A kinder, gentler month.

I'm taking the stance that this month is going to be about staying calm. Keeping my emotions in check. Not letting the vicious cycle get to me (no pun intended). Last month I got far too down at the end of my cycle, most likely because I'd pumped myself up far too much about my chances. The build up and then subsequent letdown of each month combined with all the stress I've been under through the past year just got to me, I think. But as one commenter suggested a few posts ago, I am "hanging in there" -- I'm not ready to give up yet.

I have an appointment for an annual coming up at the beginning of October, and got on the calendar with my OB/GYN for a November appointment to discuss our next steps, if still we're not pregnant. G and I talked while we were away this weekend, and he seems fairly calm about the whole thing. "We hadn't really been trying in earnest a few of the past six months" he said, "and so perhaps this month will work." Meaning that we only started the intensive "this will *surely* get you pregnant" s.ex two months ago, and perhaps one lucky shot in some of the past months wasn't enough.

Part of me wants to be monitored, checked, etc... have someone actually confirm that yes, my ovaries are working the way they're supposed to, an egg is actually released at mid-cycle and my lining is strong enough to support it. Is that something doctors do when you're not doing injectibles or Clomid or anything else other than trying naturally? I don't know. And yet another part of me wants to continue somewhat naively for just a while longer. I suppose that's human nature; I'm not trying to blind myself from all the possibilities, just trying to focus my whole energies (mental, mostly) on the strategy that is in effect now. Maybe that's a bad way to be, but it's the tactic I'm taking right now.

At least...

At least I only wasted one cheap HPT this month instead of the "lucky FRER" that a friend gave me...

At least it hasn't really been two whole years, since we weren't trying the whole time...

At least thirty-six is still relatively young for treatments if I need them...

At least I'm off the antidepressants and anxiety meds...

At least I have my new temp assignment to distract me...

At least... at least...

At least I'm good at convincing myself it'll be ok.

Apparently *not* our month.

Perhaps not our year, at the rate we're going, but I don't want to get ahead of myself.

My temp plunged this morning.  I knew that probably meant disaster but I still held out a tiny bit of hope -- the opera's not over till the fat lady sings after all, and there was still no signs of a diva warming up in the wings this morning.  I did manage to find one chart in FF's chart gallery that was a pregnancy chart, even with a temp that went way below coverline.  It wasn't *probable*, but it was possible.

That all changed this afternoon, when I began spotting.

I know that I will get the strength to do what I need to do (whether it be just try again naturally, go see the doctor or whatever) but right now, I'm weary; I don't know how people do this month after month after month.  I hate to sound like I'm complaining as I know there are people who have been at this for far longer than I have, and I appreciate that we haven't had to worry yet about financial issues, having not moved into that realm.

But to say I'm not petrified of our next steps would be a terrible understatement.

I was going to call G at work and let him know the news, but decided against it.  Why spoil the rest of his day, right??  As it stands, we will be able to go to a wine festival we were thinking about attending this weekend, so when I get home I will focus on that.

It's ironic that this month, I'm beyond crying.  I just feel... numb.

Tomorrow is test day... perhaps...

After all my initial excitement about my temps a few days ago, I'm now to the point where I'm completely and totally unsure of whether I have a chance this month.

I ovulated early, so I don't know whether my luteal phase should be normal length or whether it's my cycle length that would end up being normal, supposing I'm not pregnant. So I either am expecting my period to come tomorrow, or I'm expecting it to come Thursday... or wait, should I also figure in my longest cycle into the mix?? -- 32 days -- in which case, I'd be expecting my period to come Monday the 25th. At which point I'd be 19 days past ovulation, which would normally be a sure sign that I was pregnant, but in typical "don't blog about something that would be a cruel joke were the opposite to occur" fashion, I'm not expecting anything other than to get my period on cd33.

Of course, all bets are off if my temps are up tomorrow.

Sidetracked

This past Wednesday and Thursday, I worked half-days for the temp agency, doing training (Wednesday) and registration (Thursday) for a large convention at the downtown convention center. The convention was a large women's conference sponsored by our state's governor, and featured several well-known speakers, breakout sessions on things such as "bridging the gender gap," "women creating change," and "what makes a leader." All geared towards women in business, or nonprofits, or whatever field most of the attendees happened to be part of.

This was the type of event that five yers ago, I'd probably have been interested in attending. Ironically, I saw the name of one of my former bosses on the attendee list, the one that I was working for when I had my first panic attacks. It's truly a small world in nonprofit management, and had I stayed in that field, I'd be running into the same people, including said former boss, again and again. (I managed to avoid coming into contact with her the actual day of the conference, but just barely -- out of a conference of 5000+ women, who'd have thought I'd run into the one person I didn't want to see -- luckily she didn't see me, though.)

But I'm not in that world anymore; I jumped off that career track. To be frank, I don't know that I was ever really on it, as my job history back then was rather "jumpy" (it seems like I was starting a new position every July, according to my resume); but part of that I think stems from my inability to find a position I liked in the part of nonprofit management I really enjoyed, which was grant writing. Who knows where I'd be now if that had worked differently.

In thinking about career tracks, though, I realized that I'm *also* not really on the "mommy track" that a lot of women seem to find themselves on after having a baby. I've never had a problem with the idea of staying at home to raise a family, and while I know it's not the right choice for some women, I believe that either choice is right as long as you're on the track that makes you the most comfortable. (Catherine had a good post about this a few months back, actually.) And I want to be on the "mommy" track, certainly, but right now it's as though I'm in limbo, waiting at a junction to see whether or not the right switch will be thrown.

The people who hired me for my most recent temp assignment seem rather amazed that I'm doing temp work; someone with my education and skill set could be off "creating change" or being a leader; instead I'm covering phones on lunch break and doing clerical stuff. And overall I'm happy. It's just odd to see those two tracks cross one another, since they don't normally intersect.

*yawn*

I have a blog entry in my mind, "in reserve", that I've been meaning to write since coming home from my temp assignment yesterday.

However, I'm EXHAUSTED. I want nothing more than to go crawl into bed right now and go right to sleep. Given that it's cd9, my temp kind of skyrocketed (for me, I'm usually notably COLD) and I was tired yesterday and today, I'm being cautiously optimistic that we may have a chance at being pregnant this month. There, I've gone and tempted fate by posting it -- but I figure it will either be positive or negative on its own; no amount of my blogging about it will change that.

No testing for another five days (at least)... the temps will tell a lot in the meantime of course.

But for now... must...sleep....

Not that you're interested...

(are you??)

...but my temps recovered. At least temporarily; anything could happen tomorrow I suppose. It's sad, really, that I have nothing much else to blog about besides the daily ups and downs of my cycle, but I suppose it's not like I'm driving people away in droves by doing so. (There would have to be droves here in the first place!! Haha.)

I've decided to start taking low-dose aspirin. Yes, without my doctor's advice. I know that isn't the best decision I could make but my feeling about the aspirin is that it's not known to hurt, it's occasionally known to help, and it's becoming fairly standard practice at most of the RE's offices I've seen describing their programs online. I've found more articles in support of it than against it, and given the MTHFR, even though I'm taking my folic acid, I figure it's insurance. Plus I've heard rumors that it could help with implantation. I haven't tried every witch doctor trick in the book so far yet to get pregnant again, but I figure if I'm going down that path, I may as well start with the less quackery stuff first.

I was thinking an awful lot yesterday about what we do if this month isn't successful. Originally, before G's little mood swing, I might have thought it's time to go back to my doc, or the RE, and have some conversations. But now I don't know how he's feeling about the whole thing (except for frustrated) and I'm not sure now's the time to bring it up. At least not while I'm still in the two-week wait. I can only hope that we'll get pregnant this month and I won't have to bridge that conversation, but I still have a week to go and I'm not allowing myself to get hopeful at all.

A sad state to be in, really.

I remember.

On an ordinary day, five years ago, ordinary people got out of bed, began thinking ordinary thoughts and went off to live ordinary lives.

They never got the chance.

Despite the reasons I made this blog and despite the ordinary (and not-so-ordinary) feelings I write about, my life is pretty blessed. I wish I could be better at remembering that on ordinary days.

But I will try harder not to forget.

to live and die by the thermometer...

This charting thing really sucks.

Allowing my mood to be affected by a downswing in temperature is one thing. When G's is affected, then we're really in trouble.

I guess we've hit the point where even though we're "going along with the program", there is still some level of "psyching up" that needs to happen. On both our parts. And occasionally even that doesn't work. G had a bad day yesterday and suffice it to say that he's not in the best of moods right now. When my temp took a small dive, my first instinct was to worry that maybe I really didn't ovulate. Which, in the most delicate of terms, means that we're not done for the month yet.

And I think G *is* done. Mentally that is.

Whenever he gets frustrated about this stuff he resorts back to the "nothing's ever easy" line, one that drags both his and my moods down pretty quickly. I suppose it could just be male PMS, but when he's saying things like "all this probably isn't going to work anyway" it's not the most uplifting of moments. I don't know why I need for him to be encouraging so badly, but at the very least I would like it if he were not DIScouraging. And sometimes he just can't manage that.

Sometimes I just wish he could.

What not to wear, pregnancy edition

In which I play fashion police on my least favorite celebrity breeder, BS.

I'm not normally one to blog about pregnant celebrities, but this one has really made me want to be catty. Good Lord, what was she THINKING?? (Don't answer that with the answer I know you want to. Hah.)

I mean, really BS, I'd thought that MAYBE you'd learned something with the first one; hasn't anyone taken you aside and said "look sweetie, put down the ice cream, you're trying to REPAIR your image, remember? Perhaps we should get you some nice tasteful maternity wear, no?"

Apparently not, or she hasn't listened.

Clearly.

Two out of three ain't bad!

(Sorry if I've made any of you think of meatloaf with this update to yesterday's post...)

One, my temp this morning seems to have confirmed yesterday's OPK. Since we're still following the SMEP, we are not stopping the babymaking sex (or "compulsories" as G has taken to calling it, much to the amusement of one of his friends who did IVF) but I'm pretty sure I ovulated two days earlier than usual. I am hoping that if it's correct, it's also a good sign for implantation, as I've heard in the past that late ovulators and those with shorter-than-usual LP's are often those with progesterone problems. Should we get an implant this month, maybe this is a good indicator that it'll be a strong one.

Two, my Lost DVD's just arrived! When I called G at work just now he knew why I sounded so excited ("I take it they're here?")... I need to check the new digital cable box downstairs anyway, which just HAPPENS to be connected to the home theater. Heh.

As for the temp job, I did at least get a call from the agency, with a possible two-day assignment next week at a convention, and the word that perhaps the company just hasn't started their screening yet. So no reason to be paranoid.

Off to watch bonus materials!

Playing the waiting game...

"I hate waiting." - Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride

"The waaaaaaiting is the hardest part." - Tom Petty, perhaps with or without Heartbreakers, I'm not sure

"So tired of waiting for yoooooooou." - The Kinks, definitely without Heartbreakers, Ray Davies notwithstanding.

---

So yeah, I'm waiting, on a few things actually.

Number one, waiting to ovulate. This may or may not be occurring in the next 24-36 hours if you believe the possibly positive OPK I got today. I say possibly because I am horrible at reading these things; really, I only do it because I'm following SMEP and because I'm notorious for being addicted to peeing on sticks. (I've been trying to come up with a clever acronym but all that is coming to mind is the code word for the president, and I can't get past that.) The joy of using OPK's is to be able to see nice, dark double lines. But then you have to *interpret* them. Is today's darker than the control line? Should I be concerned that yesterday's was a complete dud? Should I consider today a positive?? God, I don't know. It's more frustrating than I thought it would be, although the exhilaration of peeing on something that comes back with a result kind of makes up for it.

Number two: waiting for my Lost Season 2 DVD's to arrive. UPS tracking is a wonderful thing, but WHY if the package left Lexington at 10:46 haven't I gotten any updates by now? Has someone hijacked my truck?? (Yeah, I'm a bit obsessed, but it helps to keep my mind off the baby-making stuff. Heh, I said "baby-making;" reminds me of that radio commercial for the Clear.blue Easy OPK, the one that has smiley faces instead of lines to tell you if you're ovulating. Why didn't I buy those again?? Oh wait, I was saying that something took my mind off of that... yeah, right. Hrmph.)

And, number three, waiting for the company that may or may not hire me for a 2-4 week temp assignment to call me. The temp agency phoned me this morning to ask me if I was interested in the job (uhh, yeah) and to say that they would send over my resume, so that the company could do phone screenings. That was almost five and a half hours ago. I would hope that they don't see me as being *too* qualified for temp work... isn't paranoia a wonderful thing??

Now excuse me, I need to go squint at these double lines again for a while.

Just don't call me Parker Posey...

So I signed up with a temp agency today. It's actually the same agency that I worked for five years ago, and they seemed pleased to have me back. Mustn't get many people who leave their permanent jobs to go back into temping -- I'm reminded of the movie "Clockwatchers," where Toni Collette's character decides she'd rather temp than apply for the sales job her father wants her to take.

For me, temping is a perfect solution right now to the whole "would sure be nice to bring in some money but I don't want to take a full time job in case I get pregnant" optimism that I'm famous for. Ha. Seriously though, a temp job allows me to have some freedom, the ability to for example, *go* to the doctor's office for a beta on the off chance that I'll need one, without having to go at 6 in the morning. Plus, it allows me to avoid the whole "what will my coworkers think?" -- my coworkers won't know me from Adam, so there's little chance that there'd be any suspicions should I actually get a positive.

That being said, also, being semi-anonymous is also nice should I *not* get a big fat positive, because then I can slink off to the ladies' room and weep without anyone noticing. Or if I get PMS-y at my desk, it's not like there will be a dozen ladies going "what's gotten into HER??"

All kidding aside (as I would never get PMS-y at a job just because I thought I could... really) I'm hoping that this stint will allow me some stress-free work time... I've come back to temping more than once in the past, and it has served me fairly well. I'm a "people person", I make a decent impression and I like the variety that I get doing temporary assignments.

But I think this quote from the movie sums up my reasons for temping now:

Everything is temporary. Everything begins and ends and begins again. When I look ahead, I imagine infinite possible futures repeated like countless photocopies, a thousand blank pages, and in each one I see myself, never hiding, never sitting silently, and never just waiting and waiting and watching the world go by.

Even though it may not be the perfect job, I'm glad for the opportunity to begin and end and begin again. Life's like that anyway, I may as well climb aboard at the next stop.

And maybe it's the perfect job for me.