Sunday, November 26, 2006

Belated thanks

It's not that I wasn't thankful on Thanksgiving -- I was, indeed. I was just extremely busy. We had nine at our table this year and that was bigger (by one) than any meal I've ever made, but it went smoothly! For that I was very thankful.

I was also thankful that the HSG did not hurt as badly as the second one did. First and third were done by radiologists, second was done by Dr. S, the surgeon who did my septum resection -- maybe he uses a different method?? All in all, although I really was dreading the test right up until the moment it started, it was easier than I was imagining it.

Also thankful for the fact that my tubes were not blocked at all, although I ddin't expect them to be. However, I've come to learn that expectations can lead to letdowns, and as such it's really good that I was not surprised by a new problem with Friday's test.

I am hopeful that the results of G's SA will also bring no surprises, but I will wait to give thanks for that until after we're sure.

It's good to have things to be thankful for even after Thanksgiving.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

On Dickens and Scrooge.

I went to the OB/GYN on Monday to ask the question that Kath aptly posed in my comments: "Why the dickens isn't this working any more, now that the septum is gone??????"

Dr. J., for his part, at least acknowledged something I've been guessing was wrong for years -- my progesterone numbers from last month (about 9 on 7dpo) were too low. He thinks that could be a factor. So he wants to repeat that this month along with some other tests. I'm to schedule a repeat HSG soon (given that tomorrow will likely be cd1, probably sometime next week). G is to do an SA. I need to get a repeat free T4, progesterone and prolactin on cd22. If the first two are a-ok (which I suspect they will be) then I will start on Clomid the following month. Just in time for Christmas! From everything I've read both on info sites and others' blogs, that should make the last gasps of 2006 an absolute JOY.

I'm praying that we get lucky after the HSG instead. "Lots of people get pregnant after those, you know!"

Bah, humbug.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Soul searching

I am not a good blogger.

I have been doing this all this time for the wrong reasons (community/support) rather than just getting my feelings out of my head. Some might say "what's the harm in that?"

Well, the reality is that nowadays I barely want to sit down and write how distressed I'm feeling about the way my cycle's going or the fact that we probably missed ovulation completely this month -- I think my chart is lying BTW. About how we got into a fight when talking about possible next steps. About how my repeat thyroid test came back normal, leading to no answers. About how hard the holidays are going to be, again. I'm sitting here in tears thinking about how much this sucks.

I read everyone else's words on these topics and think that they're so good at expressing themselves. They sum up how I'm feeling so much better than I ever could. All I ever feel is that I'm whining. It seems like that's all I can do these days, and I know that isn't pretty to read (and probably not so good for me, either.) I just don't know what else to say. How else to describe the utter despair I feel some days, watching women carrying their children after work while I stand alone waiting for the bus.

Is this my life? For good, not just temporarily... should I start getting used to the way this feels?

Why does even writing that make me sad?

On a side note... I don't want to switch to Blogger Beta. I think I may have to and that will require me to create an anonymous Google account. Which means I can't automatically use my real Google/Gmail account as a default on my PC. I'm pissed that they're making us do this, but I don't know that I have any choice... I tried emailing them and got no answer, so I'm thinking it's a done deal. Another thing that's stressing me, for no good reason.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Not as strong as you

I have been meaning to blog for a few days now but the words have just been getting stuck.

After my last entry and consulting with my internist, she told me that she could refer me to an endocrinologist to discuss my thyroid results, or I could go back to see my RE. I decided to call the RE's office.

I cannot get an appointment until January.

I asked the nurses if I could please, pretty please have my thyroid panel bloodwork ordered in advance of January, just so that I wouldn't have to wait longer if thyroid meds are what I really need. They said they'd talk with Dr. W. about it. When I called today to see if they'd done so, they told me he'd been out all of last week and they would try today.

Went to the dermatologist for my itchy skin. I was so itchy at work this afternoon that I came back from lunch in tears, so I left early. The dermatologist also thought it might be a good idea to recheck my thyroid, thankfully, so she ordered a few more tests. Not sure if it's the complete panel but I'll take what I can get. She also prescribed All.egra and gave me some topical steroid cream.

I came home miserable, ithcy beyond belief, and realized that I didn't know how I was going to even consider having sex right now -- oh yeah, did I forget to mention this is all happening at prime babymaking time??

I know I'm just whining again, but I don't know what else to do. I guess I'm not as strong as I'd like to be, not as strong as some may think, and probably not as strong as those of you who read here. I'm prone to giving up every month, only to let Hope reverse my opinions briefly but then smack them down again.

It hasn't even been that long, but it seems like an eternity. Two years ago this December we got pregnant the first time. One year and approximately a week afterwards I had my uterine surgery that was supposed to make everything better.

I want to be stronger. Dammit, why can't I be stronger?? This may take more out of me than I'm giving right now and if it does I am going to have to put up or shut up. Why is it so hard to comprehend right now??