Saturday, November 11, 2006

Soul searching

I am not a good blogger.

I have been doing this all this time for the wrong reasons (community/support) rather than just getting my feelings out of my head. Some might say "what's the harm in that?"

Well, the reality is that nowadays I barely want to sit down and write how distressed I'm feeling about the way my cycle's going or the fact that we probably missed ovulation completely this month -- I think my chart is lying BTW. About how we got into a fight when talking about possible next steps. About how my repeat thyroid test came back normal, leading to no answers. About how hard the holidays are going to be, again. I'm sitting here in tears thinking about how much this sucks.

I read everyone else's words on these topics and think that they're so good at expressing themselves. They sum up how I'm feeling so much better than I ever could. All I ever feel is that I'm whining. It seems like that's all I can do these days, and I know that isn't pretty to read (and probably not so good for me, either.) I just don't know what else to say. How else to describe the utter despair I feel some days, watching women carrying their children after work while I stand alone waiting for the bus.

Is this my life? For good, not just temporarily... should I start getting used to the way this feels?

Why does even writing that make me sad?

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On a side note... I don't want to switch to Blogger Beta. I think I may have to and that will require me to create an anonymous Google account. Which means I can't automatically use my real Google/Gmail account as a default on my PC. I'm pissed that they're making us do this, but I don't know that I have any choice... I tried emailing them and got no answer, so I'm thinking it's a done deal. Another thing that's stressing me, for no good reason.

3 Comments:

Blogger Thalia said...

Sorry to hear you are feeling crappy. And stressed. My suggestion on the writing is just to start typing and see what comes out - don't edit, don't second guess yourself, just write.

By the way, there is no such thing as a wrong reason for blogging. Blog for whatever reason works for you.

11/11/2006 11:58 AM  
Blogger SaraS-P said...

I have the same issue with Blogger and Google, too (already having a Google account with my actual last name in it). I didn't even think of that until you brought it up. Grrr!

The holidays can be really depressing with so much emphasis on family. And I hate how charts can tell you things that upset you. Sorry you are feeling so down.

And don't second-guess your blogging! Whatever you need to blog about will come out, and that's all you need to write about.

11/12/2006 12:11 PM  
Anonymous Kath said...

Dear Lisa, I understand so well what you mean -- I feel I am whining, or lame, or unable to express myself intelligently, and then I start second-guessing everything I feel... which doesn't make me feel one iota better, lemme tell you. I'm so sorry you feel so down, and I hope thinks start looking up for you soon.

As for your thyroid: what did the results come back as? Ideal TSH levels for conception tend to be surprisingy low, something like 0.5 to 1.5. So even "normal" TSH levels can be a bit high for pregnancy. It's still worth bringing up with your RE, I think. (In *ยง$%! January.)

As for your frustration with your situation, I understand that all too well too. Why the dickens isn't this working any more, now that the septum is gone??????

11/13/2006 7:25 AM  

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