Monday, October 16, 2006

The blog entries that weren't.

So I've been meaning to post since my last entry, but either got sidetracked or ran out of time or ran out of inspiration. So this will be a conglomerate post of sorts.
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First of all, my period is due tomorrow. I have no thoughts on whether we do or don't have a chance because if I post anything at all hopeful it will bite me in the butt.

So instead, I will post that I am itchy. Extremely itchy, all over. I don't know if I have eczema, or just severly dry skin, but I am in agony. Tonight I took a bath with that oatmeal stuff and then slathered my skin with baby oil. Baby oil smells like what I want a baby to always smell like, sweet and intoxicating. It's like a drug, one that I know is harmful to me emotionally but one that I somehow cannot avoid. Sitting here breathing in this sweet smell makes me feel melancholy.

It can't help that tonight I got a call from a real-life friend who went through six years of infertility, decided she was okay with not having kids -- and they're pregnant. They just saw the heartbeat and have made it to ten weeks. I am happy for her. I am thrilled that she's finally getting what she waited so long to achieve. But I just have this weird feeling that hearing her announcement the day before I am expecting my period will bring bad news, like it has so many times before.

Today, G and I were talking about something unrelated -- we had tried to replace his dad's point and shoot camera with one just like it we found on e.Bay. We won the auction but the guy mistakenly sent our camera to Australia (we got the Australian's flash). G was not taking this well; and kept saying "why should I ever expect anything to work out for us"... this is NOT the thing I want to hear or think about or even contemplate when I'm one day off of knowing whether it worked this month or not; I told him he shouldn't think that way or it may become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I just want to feel like it's not a foregone conclusion.

3 Comments:

Blogger Thalia said...

My H does the same thing when things go wrong, turns it into a catastrophe. When he saw the clinic's counsellor they tried to help him with that and it worked to some extent.

Try to hold on - not to hope - but at least to some sense of self while you are waiting. I will be thinking of you today.

10/17/2006 5:32 AM  
Blogger Shazz said...

Thinking of you!!

10/17/2006 6:04 AM  
Blogger MB said...

Here, here.

10/17/2006 9:54 AM  

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