Wednesday, October 25, 2006

What's another wrinkle among friends?

So yesterday I got the results of some routine bloodwork back -- it had been ordered by my regular doc, basic stuff after I'd gone to see her when my blood pressure was up, back in January. I didn't get it drawn until just the other day (when my progesterone was done). Yeah, bad Lisa.

Anyway, while most everything looked fine, I noticed that my TSH was 3.51. "Within the normal range of 0.4 - 5.5" according to the lab and the doctor's notes. I checked my previous TSH level, which was 2.9. Hmm. Then I went in search of Dr. Google, who told me that I wasn't imagining things, and there WAS a recent release of new reference ranges for TSH, that state that anything above a 3.0 should be investigated further for possible hypothyroidism. Hypothyroidism, which can cause dry, itchy skin like I've had for a few months now; basal temperatures on the low side, and sensitivity to cold. Oh yeah, and *infertility*.

So, I have a call in to my doctor's office now, press release from the AACE in hand, ready to discuss whether we might indeed investigate this further.

Universe, what else? I'm afraid to ask, really.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Sorry to haiku and run...

Thanks for those of you who checked in after my last post, and sorry I just took off -- I have been feeling like every time I get my period all I do is whine about how awful I feel, and I figured no one wanted to hear that again. So I took a little break.

I've been reading infertility blogs since we had our second loss, and never thought much about the courage that it takes to go on to a next cycle, to admit that you need to try the next step, whatever that step may be, and to continue to post your feelings about it day after day, month after month, year after year in some unfortunate cases. Never really thought about what it takes to be able to talk about this stuff, to get it out of your head and onto the "page" so to speak.

Now that I'm in the midst of it, I realize that it's hard. I would give anything to be one of those people who doesn't know when their period is due, and is therefore greatly surprised when they wind up pregnant. I hate feeling optimistic when my cycle's going well and I hate feeling devastated when it takes a turn for the worse. I hate letting this stuff rule my emotions. It does, though. That's just who I am.

Some days I don't think I have the strength to talk about this, let alone go through it. But I have to -- I don't feel ready to give up just yet.

At least I think so.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006


Temperature plunges
TTC really sucks rocks
Hate playing this game

Temperature's back up?
Why am I not spotting yet?
Don't be such a tease

Stay tuned for tomorrow's entry, where I hope to use the phrase "holy crapola"...

Monday, October 16, 2006

The blog entries that weren't.

So I've been meaning to post since my last entry, but either got sidetracked or ran out of time or ran out of inspiration. So this will be a conglomerate post of sorts.
First of all, my period is due tomorrow. I have no thoughts on whether we do or don't have a chance because if I post anything at all hopeful it will bite me in the butt.

So instead, I will post that I am itchy. Extremely itchy, all over. I don't know if I have eczema, or just severly dry skin, but I am in agony. Tonight I took a bath with that oatmeal stuff and then slathered my skin with baby oil. Baby oil smells like what I want a baby to always smell like, sweet and intoxicating. It's like a drug, one that I know is harmful to me emotionally but one that I somehow cannot avoid. Sitting here breathing in this sweet smell makes me feel melancholy.

It can't help that tonight I got a call from a real-life friend who went through six years of infertility, decided she was okay with not having kids -- and they're pregnant. They just saw the heartbeat and have made it to ten weeks. I am happy for her. I am thrilled that she's finally getting what she waited so long to achieve. But I just have this weird feeling that hearing her announcement the day before I am expecting my period will bring bad news, like it has so many times before.

Today, G and I were talking about something unrelated -- we had tried to replace his dad's point and shoot camera with one just like it we found on e.Bay. We won the auction but the guy mistakenly sent our camera to Australia (we got the Australian's flash). G was not taking this well; and kept saying "why should I ever expect anything to work out for us"... this is NOT the thing I want to hear or think about or even contemplate when I'm one day off of knowing whether it worked this month or not; I told him he shouldn't think that way or it may become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I just want to feel like it's not a foregone conclusion.

Friday, October 06, 2006

The things we do...

The past few days I've been contemplating all the bizarre things we do when TTC. For example, just this week I've:
  • eaten a pomegranate on the offchance that the folklore suggesting that it's a fertility symbol may have some truth to it;
  • put a pillow under my hips -- yeah, standard stuff, but man I felt like I was doing yoga or something;
  • taken an OPK that requires a cup, dropper and cartridge in a bathroom stall here at work -- balancing the entire process on my left leg was tricky; and
  • *considered* asking my NP at my annual this morning whether the mucus she was swabbing off of my cervix prior to my Pap was EWCM or creamy. (Mind you, I didn't ask her this, but I did think it! I SWEAR I didn't ask. Really.)
Speaking of the NP, I must say that I am very impressed. The internal debate I've been having about whether to go back to the RE's office that did my surgery or stick with my new OB/GYN was plaguing me a bit, but based on what she said and did this morning I feel that the proactive reputation I've gotten about this office is definitely true. She ordered a 7dpo progesterone test for me, without me having to say much more than my concern over slightly shorter LP's. She told me that their office would automatically give me medication (though she didn't say what, I'm assuming probably prophylactic heparin) when I'm pregnant for the homozygous MTHFR. She told me to call and make an appointment to see her as soon as I get a positive HPT for monitoring. And most importantly she took seriously my concerns about not waiting around since I'm 36 -- my previous OB/GYN said she "didn't worry about age until someone was 40." (Yeah, that's why I left THAT sage.) So I'm keeping my November appointment with Dr. J (haha, never thought of him that way before!) and will see what happens from here.

Did I mention that I picked up a penny off the ground this morning, too? Not one of the normal TTC procedures, but at this stage, maybe it'll help.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

who was I kidding??

Did I really say "kinder" AND "gentler" in that last entry?? Sheesh, I should know myself better by now.

I haven't even ovulated yet, and already this month a) I've felt sick to my stomach when reading about celebrity pregnancies, b) I've cringed at pregnant women on public transportation (internally only, I'm not really that cruel) and c) I broke down in tears last night at the thought of psyching myself up for doing the deed. It hasn't been pretty.

The good news, though, is that G and I have talked more this month about plans and options than I think we ever have. We agreed last night that we're going to try to stay the course *just a little while longer* before I run in a panic back to the RE. And we're going to try to keep the pressure on each other to a minimum. For all the little gripes I may have registered about G in the past, he really has come quite a long way with regards to this journey we're on. He actually has learned a lot about my cycles, conception, and pregnancy than I ever expected.

So although my hormonal roller-coaster will likely continue to roll on, despite my better efforts to keep it stable, at least I've got someone rolling right alongside me. Nice to have in case it's a bumpy ride.