Thursday, February 23, 2006

maybe this year will be better than the last*

Or maybe not.

I'm sure my readership has dwindled to next to nothing, but I can't say I blame anyone. I am not good at updates these days: work has been keeping me busy. I had an interview for an internal transfer on Wednesday, which I'm waiting to hear about. And it's baby making time again.

All prime topics for an update, yet I didn't do one.

And then we got the news about the biopsy of one of G's moles.

Tiny thing, really. Didn't seem larger than the head of a pin; small and innoculous. Yet it's melanoma.

There are a few other moles that are in the process of changing, some "severely". These will be removed along with offending dot. G will see the dermatologist every six months and use heavy sunscreen. It's not life-threatening at all.

I should be relieved.

Instead, I feel like the breath was sucked out of me, like I was hit by a Mack truck. I'm emotionally drained.

So, I'm officially calling a hiatus. I need some time, real time this time, to sort through why this rocked my core so much, even though it's nowhere near as serious as my dad's chest pain/failed angioplasty/perforated artery or my mom's kidney cancer/total left nephrectomy in 1999, and they're both still around. I think I finally realized what it would feel like to know I was losing G, and it scared the crap out of me.

I know I'm overreacting, but at the same time I hope that I'm reacting ok.

And I'm really hoping this year doesn't keep going in this direction.

*Credit to Adam Duritz for lyrical inspiration.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Movin' right along...

*doog-a-doon, doog-a-doon*

Getting there (in a two-week-wait with a shot at success) was half the fun, after all. So I'm moving right into next cycle, keeping my chin up, all that good stuff.

Doctor's appointment yesterday was great. This doctor came highly recommended by two people who formerly worked on my team; I was told that he was very friendly and agreeable about first-trimester monitoring.

They were right. He told me that he wanted to see me for bloodwork *the very day* I get a positive home test; he offered to test me for HCG right then if I wanted to see if I'd had a chemical pregnancy, but accepted my wish to move forward instead; and he asked whether or not I had been told to take baby aspirin, and said he'd work with the new hematologist I'm seeing next month to determine a plan for pregnancy.

I'm very glad I switched; he seems miles ahead of my old OB/GYN and even more forward-thinking than my RE.

"Ready for the big time, is it ready for me?"

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Confusion returns

Well, I still tested negative this morning, cycle day 31, and had some pink spotting this afternoon. I think that if I do end up getting my period, it will have been after missing an implant, or being "almost pregnant", because I definitely had the signs this past week.

I have an appointment with a new OB/GYN on Monday, which was originally to be a "getting-to-know-you" appointment, then over the past few days it was going to be a "holy shit, I'm pregnant" appointment, now it may be a "am I having a failing pregnancy" appointment.

At least if it's the latter, I won't have had to look at a positive test...

Friday, February 10, 2006

All the news that's fit to print...

No news is normally good news, but in this case, I'd really like to have SOME news. Yes, I'm still BFN at 14dpo (I promise this is the last time I'll use these abbreviations!!) but I haven't gotten my period yet, either.

To be honest, I have no idea when I ovulated, just a vague sense of it based on cervical fluid. When I was temping, that tended to correlate pretty well, so I've relied on it the past few months. I know it can be wrong, though.

But the other factor at play here is that since I've been charting, I have gone damn near every month with a 28-day cycle at the most. (When I haven't miscarried the month before, of course.) So the fact that I'm on cycle day 30 with no spotting or other signs that my period is due, is.... interesting. To say the least.

So, the two-week wait is extended by at least another day, which gives me one more day not to worry that "oh my God, I'm pregnant again."

Tune in tomorrow...

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Here we go, Lisa, here we go!

I've had a post in mind for a few weeks now, but every time I sat down at the PC to type it, my mind was a complete blank. Luckily, I have updates, and I remembered them all!

First, some thoughts on Chinese New Year, a week late for the start but still on time for the mid-celebration festivities. It's the year of the Dog, and being born in the right month of the year (May) in 1970 qualifies me. So while I'm not planning on making red packets or anything, I have been trying to think that possibly, just maybe, this could be "my year".

Thinking about it being "my year" has a lot to do with the general excitement that's taken over my town this week. Much like our beloved Black and Gold, I had a decent shot at "the big game" last year (two even!) but managed to be eliminated before I even had a shot. This year somehow feels different; just like the players, the coaches and the local media have been saying about this year's team, I feel more "in the zone."

All that being a long drawn out way of saying that I am officially in the 24-hour wait. Period's due tomorrow, and I just have a feeling that, to paraphase a little, we may have pulled a gadget play (i.e., nice timing after an HSG mid-January) and very possibly just scored the game-winning touchdown.

I'm scared to death of penalties, of course. Please, let this one stand up under review.