Wednesday, January 25, 2006

What a difference six months makes...

Previously, on "More Than My Share":

When last we left our heroine, she was in the midst of an emotional crisis around her belief that someday, somehow, she would indeed have a sucessful pregnancy. Will she find a sense of peace? Will she have the strength to face another EPT?? Will we ever hear from her again???

Yeah, I've been slacking in the blog department. Between being Ms. Thoroughly Obsessed with Lost and rooting on the Steelers (woohoo!) I have had very little time to blog. Part of me thinks that this is a sign that blogging will fall by the wayside for me, and I really don't want that to happen. It was cathartic. (So much so, in fact, that I can spell cathartic, as a result of blogging. Ok no, that's not true; but I did just correct my own typos. Twice.) Somehow though, I am not feeling my narrative right now, and I don't know why. I've come here a few times to post an update, and I can think about things I might like to say, but then I either erase what I've started or just don't type anything to begin with.

But, some things I can say... my follow-up HSG was good. Tubes (still) clear -- never a problem to begin with, but they always feel like congratulating me on that -- and uterus looks almost normal. A slight little dip, but nothing Dr. S. (can't even remember my clever name for Dr. S, btw) was concerned about. Oh, and while the results were good, I must say that HSG #2 HURT LIKE A SUMBITCH compared to HSG #1... I thought I was going to pass out or throw up while it was going on, and afterwards I bled much more than I did the first time. Ahh, progress.

So, if I ever stop spotting (which I should, any time now), I am cleared for takeoff... ready for launch... poised and ready... locked and loaded... how many more stupid analogies can I come up with for what we're "ready" for -- Barry Manilow said it best: "ready to take the chance, again... " Pregnancy is everywhere these days, from a co-worker who is due in June to every new celebrity announcement to my online friend I mentioned last post, and although I am very eager to get back to that state, at the same time I'm petrified. Not that any of you would be surprised, I'm sure.

Work, which had previously gotten bearable, finally realized that I was relaxing and getting comfy, because it decided I needed to be mentally abused by a woman that is not my boss, but thought it was her place to pretend to be. I was basically beat up in a meeting for something ridiculous, got kind of upset (choking up, is all); heard from my team lead that said woman wanted to "apologize for upsetting me"; said apology turned out to be "I'm sorry you took it personally, but you should have done X, Y and Z, and oh by the way, you can't just choke up in meetings, maybe you need some help??" It was all I could do to tell her I couldn't talk about this anymore and walk away; I was livid and upset and felt much the way I'd let Bitchy Bosses #1 and #2 make me feel, which I said I was never going to do again. Needless to say, it didn't surprise me to hear that she called my team lead after the second beating. I had done the same, luckily, as soon as the confrontation was over, so even if the bully won't ever get what she has coming to her, I at least got my side of the story out first.

If I had the energy, I'd look for another job; however, part of my reasoning for staying put, aside from not feeling up to selling myself in an interview, is that once again, "I may be pregnant later this year"... It's mostly the energy thing though.

So, while this lengthy missive makes it sound as though I am thoroughly miserable, I'm really not. I had a great weekend getaway this past Saturday with three friends from college; G and I are going up to Niagara-on-the-Lake the weekend of Feb. 3 (yes, we will be DRIVING HOME EARLY so we don't miss the Super Bowl), and I'm so wrapped up in the Lost stuff I do, that I've had hardly any time to think about my upcoming due date for baby #2. And I'm actually relieved.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Got that old feeling again...

Ok, so I'm not totally gone, I guess.

Apparently it is still possible -- despite better doses of antidepressants and fun/silly "LOST" stuff to distract me and lots of work to do -- for me to feel bad when I hear about someone else's pregnancy. It's not a new pregnancy, and she was very sensitive towards me when she told me she had gotten a positive, so it's not as though I was caught off guard or anything.

But today was her first ultrasound, and she measured a full week ahead of her calculated due date. She sent a picture.

It is adorable, of course, and much like I'd hoped to see twice, and now am fearful I may never see. Despite positive surgical outcomes and someone telling me today "I dreamed you had a baby!" it still somehow doesn't seem like it'll ever happen for me. The last thing I can imagine right now is the very thing I've been imagining my whole life, and that's hard to take.

I congratulated her on her good news, of course, and didn't tell her that I'd had thoughts of "oh, I hope she doesn't get bad news" but was then secretly disappointed that she didn't. Not because I want anything bad to happen to her -- but why can't anything good happen to me?

Saturday, January 07, 2006

It's official...

My ADD tendencies have gotten the better of me, and I haven't even thought about blogging in a while.

Not even yesterday, which was the anniversary of my first miscarriage.

I know, this means one of two things. A) I'm better, and the impact of last year isn't affecting me as much. Or B), I'm slightly distracted by other things, and everything's going to hit me all at once at some point.

Right now isn't that point.

It's kind of ironic that the reason I did this blogging thing is that I thought I would never feel ok to just get on with life. Yet that's exactly what I've been doing, in some ways -- my post-surgery outlook was somehow different, better than I thought I'd ever feel again.

I know that part of my problem, blog-wise, right now is that I am pretty particular about my posts not being stupid, or pointless. I like to think of myself as a fairly coherent writer, and although I'm far too fond of parenthetical phrases, I do at least try to write things that seem interesting. If only to me.

But lately my life has been pretty boring. Get up, go to work. Come home, make dinner. Do some sort of chore (sometimes), either watch TV or get on the computer to talk about my favorite obsession (Lost), then go to bed. Usually later than before, probably due in part to my higher Zoloft dose.

I am doing things that I could report, and don't know why I haven't. I had a regular doctor's appointment, something I haven't had in a few years, and learned that I may have to go on blood pressure medication if I can't get it down on my own. Stress, being overweight and more stress have apparently contributed to this, and since the MTHFR thing can tend to cause pre-eclampsia in pregnancy, it's extremely important for me to address it. (I don't really want to, but that's too bad. It's time.)

I saw my therapist again and we are now working on anxiety disorder issues. It's probably what caused my depression back in 1996-97, rather than the depression being the primary factor. I can see now that much of my issues have stemmed from anxiety, low self-esteem and worrying about all sorts of things that were out of my control.

So, long story short guys, I'm not sure how much I'll be blogging for the time being. I would love to say that I will get right back into the swing of things, but I know myself, and I think I may need a little break. It's been a tough time and rather than focus on it, I feel like allowing myself to just be, for a while. Maybe after my HSG (following my next period) I'll feel more up to posting, but I plan to just play it by ear at this point.

And that's what I'm going to do. I'll be back soon... and will try to check on you as much as I can.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

A 2006 wish list...

I have several good things to say on this first day of 2006.

First of all, I am holding every single one of my preggo bloggy friends in my heart right now. I know you are all facing a great deal of stress and I hope that it is for nothing (in that you have uneventful pregnancies, wonderful births.)

Secondly, to those of my bloggy friends who are not yet trying to have another baby, I wish you the peace that we all need to get into that frame of mind, along with the calm we'll need to have once we actually achieve what we're hoping for.

Thirdly, to those who are in a state of limbo at the moment, I hope that you will find the answers you seek. You're all good people, and don't let anyone (including yourself) tell you otherwise.

Lastly, to those friends of mine (bloggers and non-bloggers) who have been able to succeed when I've failed, I just ask for your patience with me as I try to figure out my particular place in Mommydom. I'm hoping for a special title, closer in the future than anyone might expect. (in other words, if we can conceive by Valentine's Day, I will be happy...)

Best to you and yours this New Years Day, and here's to a better year than last. We can all use one.