Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Got that old feeling again...

Ok, so I'm not totally gone, I guess.

Apparently it is still possible -- despite better doses of antidepressants and fun/silly "LOST" stuff to distract me and lots of work to do -- for me to feel bad when I hear about someone else's pregnancy. It's not a new pregnancy, and she was very sensitive towards me when she told me she had gotten a positive, so it's not as though I was caught off guard or anything.

But today was her first ultrasound, and she measured a full week ahead of her calculated due date. She sent a picture.

It is adorable, of course, and much like I'd hoped to see twice, and now am fearful I may never see. Despite positive surgical outcomes and someone telling me today "I dreamed you had a baby!" it still somehow doesn't seem like it'll ever happen for me. The last thing I can imagine right now is the very thing I've been imagining my whole life, and that's hard to take.

I congratulated her on her good news, of course, and didn't tell her that I'd had thoughts of "oh, I hope she doesn't get bad news" but was then secretly disappointed that she didn't. Not because I want anything bad to happen to her -- but why can't anything good happen to me?


Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

Believe me, I know the injustice. My oldest, dearest friend, who thought forever she was infertile, got pregnant in between my two. She's having the baby this month. And the other night on the phone she said, 'You'd been through so much...' and I said, 'No, you've been through worse.' And I hated myself for saying it, because IT'S NOT TRUE.

So we grit our teeth and smile for the nice pregnant ladies, because we do care.

1/10/2006 8:01 PM  
Blogger Kathy McC said...

((((hugs)))) I know exactly how you're feeling right now. Just today I found out that one of my neigbors is pregnant and I thought to myself, "Yep, this will be her third, uneventful and successful pregnancy. She has never had a loss, and she'll never get it". Isn't that awful?? But it's hard to not think that way when it's happened to you. Something good is going to happen for you very soon.

1/10/2006 9:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lis, You're not alone. My good friend at work is pregnant. First baby--on the first month of trying. Second baby--on the second month of trying. It's hard.
It sucks. You feel petty...then you realize you're human.


1/10/2006 10:46 PM  
Anonymous pixi said...

Ugh, it sounds like she went from sensitive to insensitive. Not sure why she'd think that you'd need to see the ultrasound of her thriving fetus? Sorry that you had to endure that.

I hope, though, that someday soon the good thing will happen to you & you'll be sending out your own happy pics.

1/10/2006 11:19 PM  
Anonymous Jill said...

I understand how hard it can be to hear about other people's thriving pregnancies, and I'm sorry.

It sounds like you're feeling a bit hopeless right now. Hang in there. I hope that things get brighter for you soon, and that you will have your own thriving pregnancy this year.

1/11/2006 12:12 PM  
Anonymous Kath said...

I'm so sorry about that twist of the knife, Lisa. It hurts so much, doesn't it?

Thinking of you and wishing you your own joy, soon.

1/11/2006 1:45 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

I've been staring at the comment box trying to figure out what to post, and it's just not coming to me. Everything I have to say sounds totally superficial since all I've been through so far are two unproductive cycles.


1/12/2006 1:21 PM  
Blogger fisher queen said...

Watching friends get pregnant and have uneventful happy pregnancies is really hard. It does point out how much pain we have to go through. I'm sorry. If it were me, I'd ask ever so gently if she could lay off sending the u/s pics. I would hate to have to see those.

1/13/2006 8:22 AM  
Blogger Lola said...

Oh, yes. I have felt that, too. Many, many times. I'm writing a book about these very sorts of feelings. So sorry it's so hard.

1/24/2006 7:46 AM  

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