Friday, June 15, 2007


I've been moody the past few days. I didn't talk about it when it first happened but now I'm moody and don't care, so the story with my job is that when I told them my chemo schedule they came back a few days later and asked me to take a 30-day unpaid medical leave. Told me they would hold my job for me (or some job), and to call in a month to talk about coming back.

That was the day before my first chemo (almost six weeks ago). They are still dangling me. I'm *supposed* to hear from them again by early next week, but am not holding my breath.

(I won't get into the "is that legal, can they do that" debate that I've already gone over several times in my head, with G, and with two online lawyer friends including one who comments here, wink wink. I made a decision not to fight it even though I may have grounds, simply because it's not open and shut.)

Anyway, I am able to collect un.employment so I have been, but being at home and doing nothing most of the time really isn't as nice as it may sound. I'm going stir crazy, and feeling brain dead. It hasn't been fun and it hasn't done much for my mood, which was already starting to wear based on the fact that despite everyone's assessment of my spirit as being so up, you only hear the stuff I feel like posting. I haven't felt as positive lately, which may be from some nausea or may be from missing my hair or may be just because I haven't really reacted to all this shit since being diagnosed. I kept saying "at least we know what we're up against now, it's so much better" but truthfully, it really isn't. It sucks. (I feel better just admitting that.)

So I'll admit that I'm moody and then go back into silence for a few days. Maybe my mood will improve. We'll see.


Blogger Catherine said...

No debates. No platitudes. Just love and support headed your way. This has got to be doubt about it. But I intend to keep talking at you the entire time your walking this path...just like you did when I was walking through the darkest days of my life. That's what friends do.

So...What do you want to do with your time? Let's talk options.

Do you know computers? The MOM Project has serious need of some computer/online help. Do you bead? We could put you to work making bracelets? Do you want a dog? I just got an email from a rescue friend who needs to find a foster for a rescue dog...very sweet but needs to be the only dog in the home.

I'm sure I can find something to keep you busy if we look. :o)

6/15/2007 1:22 PM  
Blogger Thalia said...

Blimey of course you feel moody, you're going through an utterly horrible experience and you've got grief to deal with in spades. And lots of women I've spoken to said that losing their hair was the one thing that really made them weep during treatment, it's a huge deal.

Hang in there sweetie, and don't apologise to us for how you are feeling.

6/15/2007 1:45 PM  
Blogger Kathy McC said...

Nothing witty to say...just wanted to offer a (((hug))) and let you know that I am thinking of you.

6/15/2007 1:53 PM  
Blogger Bronwyn said...

Helll, if you weren't at least a little moody, then we'd really get worried! Sorry work is being so shitty with you. I may not have any inkling about what it's like to face a serious illness, but I can commiserate about being at home all day when it's not exactly your choice. (I was unemployed for six months before I got pregnant, at which point I decided it was a lifestyle choice and I started to gear up for the whole "working-from-home-mom" thing -- neither the mom part nor the working from home part quite worked out...)

Anyway, as Catherine pointed out, hobbies help, as does getting out of the house regularly. And we're here whenever you need a virtual shoulder or ear (or toe, even! Why you'd want a virtual toe, I'm not quite sure, but it'd be there if you needed it)

(((Big hug)))

6/15/2007 2:47 PM  
Blogger msfitzita said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so blue :( I can't even begin to imagine everything you're dealing with, but I'm pretty sure I'd be very, very frightened, angry and frustrated - especially if work was dicking me around on top of it all.

I'm so sorry.

I don't have any words of wisdom, but I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. And I'm here.

It always bugs me when people say "let me know if there's anything I can do" because it puts the onus on me to figure out what that might be (and it's always when my mental reserves are particularly low) so I won't say that. I'll just say I'm here if you need me, okay? For anything.

(Yeah, I know that's kind of saying "let me know if there's anything I can do". Now I know why people say that...)


6/16/2007 3:43 PM  
Anonymous Kath said...

Dear Lisa, it does suck, in 20 kinds of ways. And I wouldn't call your response "moody" -- I'd call it the most logical response to what you're going through. This disease and its treatment -- and, for a nice little gratuitous extra, your company -- are yanking the floor out from under you, so you have every right to feel and express any emotions that are churned up. We're here to listen and be there, whatever you want to say.

6/17/2007 6:52 AM  

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