On trying

It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
I wish I had a river I could skate away on
-Joni Mitchell, River

I'm normally a pretty festive person, with Christmas being my favorite time of year (Halloween being a close second). However, this year's going to be tougher to get through. The Joni Mitchell song I quote above is often played around this time of year even though it's hardly a Christmas song (but then again, so is Old Lang Syne by Dan Fogelberg - hmmmm). It's really about things other than Christmas -- though I'm not sure exactly what, it seems that a breakup with a lover may be at the heart of the lyrics -- but it kind of sums up the way I'm looking at the holiday right now.

Two years ago today we found out we were pregnant for the first time and Christmas was wonderful that year. A year ago next week we had the surgery that was supposed to fix everything and give us hope. This year, we have more questions. More discouragement. More fighting to keep a smile on my face in public when I really just want to find a river to skate away on.

G does not really want to talk about what we learned the other day; that's his nature and while it upsets me, I have to allow him to handle this the way he needs to. Vice versa is true of course, so I have been Googling madly to try to come up with ideas -- zinc supplements, repeating the test to see if mitigating factors were a part of the motility issue, etc... things I will suggest to our doctor when we see him in two weeks. I hate having to be the proactive one in this relationship (the relationship between me and Dr. J, not me and G) but I've learned with doctors that's just the way it is.

Speaking of doctors: I'm also trying to get to the root of my itchy skin problems. The dermatologist today did a punch biopsy of one of my itchy bumps and has given me yet another antihistamine to try. I'm also supposed to get some repeat bloodwork to check some slightly abnormal liver function tests. I am praying that those results are normal, because the possible diagnosis she brought up if those are the problem is not one that I want to add to my plate. I won't go into specifics just yet but if any of you who are reading could just think good thoughts about those results, I'd appreciate it.

And if you should see me somewhere smiling about snow or Christmas lights or happy music, just smile right back. Maybe it will help.