Really didn't mean to keep you in suspense!

I just got really tired after treatment yesterday (plus was annoyed b/c I got sick *three times* due to anxiety - UGH!)...

But there's news...

And it's good...

According to my doctor, the scans show that "it's gone"... I have some trouble believing it although I am still happy... I guess it's the doubter in me that says "wait a minute, how can that be?"

Technically, there are still some visible lymph nodes although they have all decreased in size considerably. Many are listed in the report as having "FDG uptake reduced to that of the background," and since FDG is the radioactve stuff they give me that "lights up" wherever there are cancer cells, I am assuming that means there's no more of it present than you'd see on a person without cancer cells in that area.

I think the gist of it is that I wish my doctor had been more descriptive, had possibly showed me the actual images of my scan, or something similar. As it was, it just seemed almost... surreal.

Not that I won't be celebrating once my stomach is back to normal, of course!

What's next -- three more chemos instead of five (thank goodness!) a scan in three months, and then scans every three months for a year. Beyond that, I don't know, but am not worrying that far ahead.

Thanks for all the positive and supportive thoughts throughout this experience. :)

Still here...

Although as I told Catherine recently, I feel less like a blogger these days and more like someone who posts boring updates. *sigh* Maybe that will change eventually, or maybe it won't.

Tonight though, I will post another update.

Let's see... work is going ok, although I am much more tired than I thought I'd be. Sore, too; probably due to the fibromyalgia more so than anything lymphoma related. I am still not "settled in" to the new job, as most of the people in the department I'll be supporting are away on vacation (gotta love summer!) but I'm optimistic at this point that it'll be a good fit.

It's been a good distraction, too, from the fact that I should get results of my midpoint PET scans tomorrow. To say that I'm a bit nervous tonight would be a huge understatement; the results of this scan will let me know if the chemo is working, so I'm pretty focused on trying not to get my hopes up while at the same time praying that it'll be good news. G seems to think that everything will be ok but I have had that feeling one too many times in the past two years, only to be surprised by the rug being pulled out from underneath me. So needless to say, I am trying not to think about negative stuff but trying not to be too positive. How's that for confusing?

I will post tomorrow as soon as I know anything.

In short...

We had a good weekend.

We had a long talk about the TTC situation, which was a very good talk, even though there is no possibility of progress right now.

I'm feeling much older than my 37 years right now.

I'm not really cranky anymore, but not all that talkative either.

Treatment is on Thursday this week due to the holiday. Hooray for an extra day!

I start back to work Monday.

That's all for now.

Still cranky.

Thought it had passed but apparently not. We had a power outage Monday night through last night which I think contributed to it but I've also had some GI issues and have a raging headache today. What a good day to be seeing the counselor (about the anticipatory nausea thing) -- I told him on the phone the other day that while I'd had anxiety and depression issues in the past, now my outlook was pretty good. Nah.

(I would say it was PMS but I haven't had a period since May. Hopefully the "temporary menopause" thing isn't something that goes permanent. At least I am not having hot flashes.)

At least one semi-good thing (I think) has happened - work called and they have a position to bring me back into, with an increase in pay. (They'd better, is my attitude.) Only trouble is the start date... not sure when it will be yet. We're gov't subcontractors and as such are on their timeframe. So hopefully soon, but not immediately, I'll be going back to work.

Oh, and we're going on a little weekend trip this coming Saturday/Sunday. Hopefully my cranky will be out of the way by then.

Thanks again...

First, thanks for the comments letting me know it's ok to be moody. It's a good thing; Wednesday's treatment sucked (I got sick) and so I was extra moody for a few days. But today is Friday, the day I normally feel horrible and I'm feeling ok.

Also, big thanks to Catherine, Eve and KathyMc for the scarves that arrived via mail! I will need to add them to the fashion show once I get the upload process on our new computer figured out.

Moody

I've been moody the past few days. I didn't talk about it when it first happened but now I'm moody and don't care, so the story with my job is that when I told them my chemo schedule they came back a few days later and asked me to take a 30-day unpaid medical leave. Told me they would hold my job for me (or some job), and to call in a month to talk about coming back.

That was the day before my first chemo (almost six weeks ago). They are still dangling me. I'm *supposed* to hear from them again by early next week, but am not holding my breath.

(I won't get into the "is that legal, can they do that" debate that I've already gone over several times in my head, with G, and with two online lawyer friends including one who comments here, wink wink. I made a decision not to fight it even though I may have grounds, simply because it's not open and shut.)

Anyway, I am able to collect un.employment so I have been, but being at home and doing nothing most of the time really isn't as nice as it may sound. I'm going stir crazy, and feeling brain dead. It hasn't been fun and it hasn't done much for my mood, which was already starting to wear based on the fact that despite everyone's assessment of my spirit as being so up, you only hear the stuff I feel like posting. I haven't felt as positive lately, which may be from some nausea or may be from missing my hair or may be just because I haven't really reacted to all this shit since being diagnosed. I kept saying "at least we know what we're up against now, it's so much better" but truthfully, it really isn't. It sucks. (I feel better just admitting that.)

So I'll admit that I'm moody and then go back into silence for a few days. Maybe my mood will improve. We'll see.

Dreams

Last night I had the second dream about little girls that I've had in the past few weeks.

The first was a week or so ago. I was aware only that I was riding in a car, and there was a child on my lap. (Yes, I know it's against the carseat regulations... don't think that was the point of it.) The child was adorable and I was making her laugh with silly songs and raspberries on her ear. I then became aware that her mother was the person driving the car. Then I woke up.

Last night's was longer. I remember traveling alone to a large hotel-type facility and being shown to a room where I was to sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor. It was very late at night and I was tired, so I fell asleep. In the morning, I had to walk down a very long staircase that wound around through all of the other rooms, which were filled with girls of varying ages. The oldest girls slept on the higher floors and as I got towards the bottom I saw the girls get younger and younger until I passed through a room with infants. I don't remember feeling anything odd about this place until it was time to go to breakfast, because when I got to the dining room everyone else there was a family (all of the little girls were with their parents) but I was still dining alone.

I'm not even safe in my sleep sometimes.