Tuesday, February 20, 2007

My jumbled thoughts

First of all, this may be where the rubber meets the road, at least as far as my New Blogger resistance is concerned. I think I've reached the end of that rope, and if I want to continue using my personalized Google homepage and Blogger, I'm going to have to make them co-exist. Even though I'm petrified about doing it since my Google stuff is in my real name. Ugh.
I find it amusing that two of you liked my reference to "Infertility World," even though that wasn't what I typed. I find it more amusing that I *didn't* type it since that's clearly what I meant. *head smack*
On to the medical stuff. I'm done with my antibiotics. Had my neck CT this morning. Liver doctor called to discuss next steps on Thursday, but called the home phone instead of the cell and despite my leaving two messages with the cell number, I haven't heard back from him yet. I'm still trying to decide whether or not to cancel my next RE appointment.

Oh yeah, that. I need to elaborate a bit. First off, the liver doctor. First of all, my CT/MRI scans were "inconclusive" for whatever the "spots" were near my bile duct. (He did call them spots, although I think he was being rather cautious so as not to worry me. Ha, nice try.) I explained the swollen lymph node to him and the things we were doing there, and he said he wanted to be kept in that loop, since it would be much easier to biopsy the node in my neck than anything in my abdomen, should that be where we're going.

And then he said that he can't recommend that I start any type of fertility treatments until we know what we're dealing with. That even if I don't have lymphoma and all the spots end up being is benign tumors, even those could grow as a result of being on the hormones, and could cause problems if I've already got some liver damage, which we don't know yet.

I know he's right. Everyone's right. "Take care of your health first, it's more important." "You wouldn't want to be pregnant and find out you had a serious illness that you couldn't treat without hurting the baby, would you?" And my favorite: "You're still young."

Ah, the naive have it so easy.
I was thinking the other day that maybe all of these things that are happening to me are the result of not forwarding on every sickening sweet, sappy or "miraculous" forwarded spam of an email I've ever received, despite being told I had hours to do so.

Yeah, that's it. I apparently don't love Jesus enough, or want to see Jimmy get 4000 emails, or believe that a dancing leprechaun will appear on my monitor, or think about my friends enough to forward them on the same email that they've probably received 20 times this year alone.

Totally it.


Anonymous Kath said...

Dear Lisa, how I wish you could finally have some answers! This must be the worst kind of torture for you, in every way. I'm so sorry. Hoping this ends -- with positive news -- soon.

2/21/2007 4:50 AM  
Blogger Catherine said...

Well, at least you have a sense of humor about it all. As sick and twisted as it sounds...I admire that. :o)


2/21/2007 8:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm thinking/praying/vibing about you. I really hope you get answers, relief, and a green light to resume TTC soon. This is so hard. I wish there was more we could do.

2/21/2007 1:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm thinking/praying/vibing about you. I really hope you get answers, relief, and a green light to resume TTC soon. This is so hard. I wish there was more we could do.

2/21/2007 1:03 PM  
Blogger Thalia said...

I have to say that I would have thought the universe would reward you the other way round for not forwarding all those dreadful emails - good karma rather than bad.

let's hope the docs get to an answer some time soon. HOw tough it is, being in limbo with potentially worrying scenarios hanging over you.

2/21/2007 4:09 PM  
Blogger SaraS-P said...

Sorry you have to halt fertility treatments. Hopefully, all will turn out ok and you can start again without too much of a delay.

I hope the "spots" are nothing to worry about.

2/21/2007 6:25 PM  
Blogger Treggles said...

Yuk. What a horrid limbo you've found yourself in, Lisa. My thoughts are with you.

As for Blogger, yes, it's a pain. I had to create a new Google account to keep things separate, and you have to be very strict with yourself our else you end up using the wrong identity for the wrong thing. I have posted comments on blogs under my real name once or twice...

2/22/2007 6:40 PM  
Blogger msfitzita said...

Good grief!!!! The gods need to cut you some slack - this is far too much for one poor girl to deal with. I'm so, so sorry Lisa. I hope you get some answers soon and find yourself back in the TTC saddle before you know it.

Thinking of you...


2/22/2007 10:30 PM  

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