Monday, April 17, 2006

so the good news is...

1) I have a brand new prescription for the anxiety - klonopin. It's a twice daily dose, and should give me some more stability. I'm a little tired on it today, so I may knock back the dose to a half pill, but overall it's better than having to wait for an attack to come and then take a xanax.

2) I've been able to work with my team lead to do some major prioritization *and* to realize that I'm not the only one feeling the crunch here. It did wonders for my ability to come to work.

3) I'm not manic depressive. Seriously, after the start to my week, when I had a nice, almost UPBEAT day on Thursday, I was thinking maybe, just maybe. The psychiatrist said that no, I may just have some more severe mood swings but that doesn't categorize me as bipolar. I did mention to her that I suspected I might have some form of ADHD, and she said that after I get through pregnancy/nursing that we can discuss a trial of strattera.

Now, the bad news. Bad is a relative term, I guess. It's more of a trade-off, a consequence of sorts, but is it really bad? (What, you're asking yourself, is she talking about??)

Simply put, we're holding off trying to conceive until at least after my work stress is done (early June is the conversion date, although it may be hectic for some time afterwards). And it was my decision.

In a short period of time I have seemingly become the poster child for psychiatric medications. With the meds and the stress and a work deadline that is just six weeks away now, I reasoned that the added stress of trying to get pregnant wasn't a good idea. That waiting two months or so would not only give the work stress a chance to die down, it would allow me to escape having a possible due date in early February, to coincide with my second pregnancy's not-to-be date. All good reasons to wait some more. Again.

G was surprised, to say the least. Also not quite sure how he felt about it. He's turning 40 this year, and to him, imagining having a high school graduate when he's 60 is rather anxiety producing to *him*. It is what it is, though, and no matter what I say to try to alleviate his fears I can't make him feel better about it. I'm hoping that after "the birthday" comes and goes this summer, that he'll be in a better frame of mind.

Truthfully, it's not my favorite answer, either. I worry about being 36 before conceiving, my egg quality, the possibility of trisomies and other birth defects increasing with every year. I worry about my body suddenly deciding that it's *not* easy to get pregnant like it was last year, and suddenly we'll be faced with waiting even longer. (I know that there's no evidence to worry about that, of course, but historically I worry about things that I shouldn't, and apparently the new meds have not reduced that just yet. I'm giving it time in the hopes that it will diminish.)

On another, unrelated note: I am experimenting with Yahoo Avatars. I like that they can be changed along with my mood (ha!) so my new one is currently my "work" persona. In a few weeks I'll have my vacation one on, and will theoretically be much, much more relaxed. At least electronically.


Blogger lauralu said...

wow - giving yourself some space to get cool, calm and collected sounds like a great - and very brave! - plan. i hope it works wonders. :)

i do understand your postponement worries; they're the reason i wasn't strong enough to give myself time to get better mentally before jumping back in the saddle. but on the bright side, my third pregnancy - at 36 - is the only one that hasn't been a disaster (knock on the plywood of my desk), so there is hope!

4/17/2006 5:09 PM  
Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

Well, it's good to see you back. And what Laura said.

4/17/2006 5:29 PM  
Blogger Thalia said...

I think you have to go with your gut. A few months doesn't make that big a difference, and you know that you need a break, so I would embrace it with open arms.

Glad that the meds are helping.

4/18/2006 3:26 AM  
Blogger fisher queen said...

Yes, a few months really don't make a difference. The chance of having a baby with downs after thirty five is ONLY .03%. I wish the doomsayers would just shut up about this after 35 crap.

Same thing goes for your husband. The difference between 39 and 40 is not big. My hub is going to be 45 this year! Just think of Mick Jagger. He has toddlers and he's in his 60s! It's a matter of how much energy you have, not how old you are.

4/26/2006 8:53 AM  
Blogger Kate said...

I'm so happy I found you. We have so much in common. I do am an MTHFR homo. As for Klonopin I haven't been taking it while ttc but I plan on taking it again when this is all over. I just take it for sleep when I have anxiety and it helps so much. Don't worry about taking a few months off if you need it. I had to quit my other job because of all of this and the stress and the anxiety. Just do what feels right. Thanks for sharing your story with us.

5/11/2006 6:27 PM  

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