Tuesday, March 07, 2006

would I lie to you?

Would I lie to you honey,
Why would I say somethin' that wasn't true
I'm askin' you sugar would I lie-i-i-i-i-ie to you?

So yeah, I wasn't going to post anymore. The plain and simple truth was that taking a break seemed like the right thing to do.

Then it wasn't.

Then, I couldn't find the words to say what I wanted to say.

But today, after reading some of your comments on my last post, I decided that instead of trying to make it pretty, I would just write, and see what comes out.

First... the melanoma has been removed, and talking to G that night calmed me down immensely. It touched him that it upset me so much, and we talked a lot about it. Basically, he will just need to get checked every six months and wear SPF 30 or higher. This we can handle.

I've had two meetings with the woman I mentioned in my post back in January. She pretty much ignored me the whole time, although I stressed over my presentations in advance both times.

Work generally is starting to suck more and more life out of me. I haven't heard yet about the job interview that I had, although since it would be an internal transfer there's a good chance that they wouldn't let me go until after a huge deployment that we're planning, in June. So I am pretty much stuck here until then, unless I get so fed up that I up and quit.

The hematologist that I have seen twice now sent me to a "clotting expert" at another facility for a consult. Well, that was a disaster. She told me in no uncertain terms that MTHFR poses NO RISK TO ME WHATSOEVER because my homocysteine is
normal. She said that I didn't need to be on a higher dose of folic acid; I didn't need to take B6 and B12 even though several things I've seen mention that it's needed to process the folic acid, and the worst part: that "you have the clearest case of what caused your miscarriages of anyone I've ever seen" (by this she means the septum). In other words, "why are you here wasting my valuable time??"

Now, I'm not an unreasonable person, and can see the point that perhaps the inconclusive data on this subject is worth some skepticism (I certainly don't WANT to shoot myself with heparin every day if I don't have to), but frankly, what bothered me the most was her bedside manner -- she was critical, arrogant and demeaning, and I ended up getting a) very mad during the appointment but also b) very upset. (I ended up crying... damn emotions...) I should have walked out and now I wish I had.

So the truth is that there is plenty of reason to keep writing; I was probably being a little lazy. When conflict and difficult emotions start to weigh on my mind, my favorite answer is to run. Panic attacks over dealing with a bad boss? Get a new job. Not getting anywhere with therapy? Quit and decide that "the meds are helping, anyway."

I just never expected that I'd feel that way about blogging.

So bear with me, please, as I try to figure out which way is up. And realize that the plain and simple truth is rarely plain and never simple.


Blogger Catherine said...

Don't beat yourself up over the "should-haves." If you want another opinion, I hope you will seek one. The label "specialist" doesn't mean she's God (or even God-like).

It's funny...when conflict and difficult emotions start to weigh on my mind, I talk it to death (can you tell?)...but I actually DO very little. Whatever you need to do to get through, you do it. I'll be here reading when you want to talk.

3/07/2006 6:03 PM  
Anonymous Lynnette said...

I'd get another opinion, too. I am compound heterozygous MTHFR, with a homocysteine level of 8.5. "Normal." and my RE has me on Folplex 2 BID, and baby aspirin, in addition to my Rx pre-natals. My current RE is adding Lovenox, 40 mg 2 BID, "as a prophylactic measure," pre-IVF. It's expensive, but what the hey. I was told to take the Folplex and baby aspirin for life, because the mutation affects how your body processes the folic acid and in turn increases the homocysteine, which, by the way can fluctuate from test to test. For every doctor who says it doesn't matter, you can find several more, that say it does. Sorry you had to put up with that kind of treatment. Email me if you want to talk about it more. Good luck.

3/08/2006 9:48 AM  
Anonymous Lynnette said...

Oh, and I'm sure you've already considered it, but it is possible, dumb-ass "clotting expert," to have more than one reason for a miscarriage. Do they want you to keep losing babies even if you were to surgically fix the defect? How many losses do they want you to have? It's called dotting i's and crossing t's! Sorry to vent, but this sort of situation really steams me, and brings all my old emotions to the suface again.

3/08/2006 9:55 AM  
Blogger Bronwyn said...

It can be scary sharing your feelings, fears and frustration, even in blogland. Whenever you do feel like sharing, you know you'll always have support from the rest of us who are in similar boats.

Good luck with the new job and the specialist. Could you just take the vitamin suppliments on your own? They can't do any harm, can they?

3/08/2006 12:02 PM  
Blogger Lorem ipsum said...


Nothing to add, just 'Kilroy was here' and still loves you.

3/08/2006 7:40 PM  
Blogger cat said...

Damn bad medical people who have bad bedside manners. Sorry you had to deal with that.

Glad to hear the melanoma is removed may he heal quickly and have no other issues.

Welcome back :)

3/09/2006 11:35 AM  
Anonymous Jill said...

I'm glad that you're posting again, but am sorry about the upsetting appointment with the doctor. You have had a lot on your plate recently, especially with G's melanoma. I hope that things ease up for you soon, including with your job. You deserve some brighter days ahead.

3/10/2006 10:51 AM  
Blogger Amy said...

I'm sorry you had such a bad experience with the doctor. There is really no excuse for treating a patient like that. Especially one who has been through 2 miscarriages.

I'm here to read whenever you feel like writing. :-) Glad to hear that G is well. R is prone to moles, so the 6 month dermotologist appointment is part of his regular routine now.


3/11/2006 2:31 PM  
Anonymous thalia said...

Bitch. I'm so sorry that she made you cry. She sounds horrible. Fraid I can't help with the research but sounds like you have some good advice already.

3/11/2006 2:35 PM  
Anonymous Kath said...

Yes, dismissive bitchy morons at work AND at the doctor's office certainly can wreak havoc with one's emotions... I'm glad you're back, although not so glad that you're going through such a difficult time.

Some doctors (she said through clenched teeth) say things especially forcefully because they think it'll reassure us -- along the lines of "dithering and equivocation will only make the patient think something's wrong." This is sadly misguided, of course -- as is the opposite case, which I've just experienced. Why can't doctors just take our worries seriously and then gently reassure us with the weight of their arguments?

3/14/2006 2:42 PM  

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