Tuesday, March 21, 2006

better living through chemistry

"the future's so bright, I gotta wear shades"

Yeah, I think I know why the blogging's been so difficult lately. It's not that I don't have things on my mind. It's more that my emotions aren't getting the best of me, the way they used to.

Before the Zoloft.

Overall, I am basically an emotionally semi-well-balanced person right now, something I'm really not used to at all. And when writing my innermost thoughts, "semi-well-balanced" doesn't exactly cause the same type of outflow that "unstable and depressed" did.

That's not to say I'm not still emotional at times. I cried when I didn't get that job I interviewed for a few weeks ago. I mutter to myself "I hate where my life is right now" when I go from home to hellish job and back, day in and day out.

But I'm not emotional about the thing that had normally kept me in tears all last year. I think to myself "maybe a positive test for Easter," since we didn't get one for Valentine's or St. Patrick's days -- no crying upon the first sign of spotting, no anger at the possible implantation cramps that weren't a month or so ago. I do try not to think about the next holidays on the calendar, as they correspond with the dates that I learned about (Memorial Day) and lost (Independence Day) my last pregnancy. (Ironic choice of holidays, those.)

I am more distracted now than I've been in a while, too; that could definitely be a factor. I'm finding it harder to stay focused on one thing because there are literally eighteen things going on at work during the day, and I'm supposed to be keeping track of about sixteen of those. Given my problems with organization, my tendency towards anxiety disorders and my generally poor self-esteem, I'm suprised that I'm doing as well as I am.

I've re-written the end of this post twice now. I think I'm tired; my words aren't coming out right. So I'll close now, and hopefully will be more awake (and/or less distracted) another day.

(Time to call a refill in, perhaps.)

2 Comments:

Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

Antidepressants are wonderful if you don't want to feel pain. Unfortunately, you can't feel anything else either.

3/21/2006 7:23 PM  
Blogger lauralu said...

yeah, that's the bummer about the meds...they do impede creativity, which is, i suppose, why all the great artists are crazy, although you gotta give'em credit for making lemons out of lemonade.

3/21/2006 7:33 PM  

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