Wednesday, April 12, 2006

the only thing we have to fear...

This past few days have been eye-openingly (yeah, know that's not a word) scary.

I had the panic attack to end all panic attacks (at least in terms of the ones I've had thus far). It began Monday morning as soon as I got up, and it took me two hours to get up the courage to call my boss and say I was having trouble leaving the house. (Truth is, it was far worse -- I was having trouble even getting dressed. Leaving the house wasn't even in the equation at that point.)

Now, despite my comments a few entries ago about not being able to take anti-anxiety meds when TTC, I had in fact gotten a prescription for xanax. A pill later and I was out like a light.

I heard the garage door go up some three hours later; it was G, who'd taken the afternoon off to do some yard work. He came in and asked "what's wrong?" and I broke down. Told him some of the self-destructive things I've been doing lately (drinking more than I should, binge eating, some other things I'm ashamed to mention). Told him I didn't know what was going on in my head and I was worried that I needed serious help, and had even been contemplating inpatient treatment. He was in shock, I think... didn't know what to think. But told me I had to call my therapist and see when my options were.

When she returned my call she told me that she didn't think I needed to be hospitalized. I'm not at risk for hurting myself and am not suicidal, so the mere fact that I recognize I need more help means that outpatient treatment should be able to help. It needs to do more than it currently is, though. Or rather, I need to try harder: I need to learn how to cope, need to reduce my stress, need to learn how to push myself to do healthy things when my brain says "you don't really want to do that... you're just going to fail anyway"...

G says that I need to stop seeing this as black or white: black as in staying and possibly driving myself crazy; white as in giving up (i.e., quitting) and hence feeling like I'm a failure and disappointing my co-workers. There has to be some gray area in between, and that's what I'm trying to find. It took all I could do to come to work today. But I was honest with my boss, told her I was overwhelmed and needed help, and am proceeding as though I am going to try to make this work.

If I'm not careful, fear will end up making my life vastly different, a shell of what it has the potential to be. And that makes me very afraid.

It's a vicious cycle, I guess.


Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

Oh Lisa... I don't know what to say, except I'm here for you. (((((Hugs)))))

4/12/2006 5:10 PM  
Blogger Thalia said...

Good for you for asking for help. I hope that help is quickly forthcoming. We'll be here, cheering you on from the sidelines.

4/15/2006 12:05 PM  
Blogger msfitzita said...

I hate that so much is so hard for so many wonderful, good people. Life is very, very unfair and I'm so sorry.

Having said that, I'm awed by your strength and honesty. I hope you realize just how strong you really are.


4/16/2006 10:13 PM  

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