Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Timing is everything.

Was just checking my Statcounter on a whim yesterday (haven't done that in a while) and noticed that I had several visits coming from ... drumroll please... Julie's great big list of blogs. Yes, now that I have stopped blogging regularly, I am now linked to one of the most frequently read blogs across the Vast Expanse of The Internets.

(Holy canoli... better think of something to say!)

Today's conundrum has to do with the panic attacks I mentioned in my last post, back again today for not one, but two rounds. I spoke with the therapist this morning, who in turn emailed the psychiatrist to talk about the possibility of prescribing me some sort of anti-anxiety med.

(Oh yeah, and you can't take those when pregnant.)

Thanks for reminding me.

G said tonight that I have to consider whether working at a place that causes me that much stress is worth it, and that it's a decision that only I can make. There are a lot of reasons to stay -- I'll be vested next February, for one, and in that time we can also probably pay off my student loan, which will make it all the more likely that when I do get pregnant, I can quit work and stay home with the baby. (I can actually think of the one following the other now, which is at least one small positive step.)

But the feelings I had this morning (and again later in the afternoon)-- heart racing, lump in my throat, terror in my mind and queasiness in the pit of my stomach -- bring out such fear in me... fear that somehow paints itself onto the canvas of my future hopes, making me wonder if I'll ever be able to hold down even the motherhood gig.

In about five weeks, I will turn 36. I'll also be one month closer to the hellish go-live at work and one month past the possibility of conceiving a baby that could be born in 2006. Unless by some miracle we get lucky this month.

With the way the past few days have gone, I think my timing is probably off.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Kath said...

Dear Lisa, same here with the hits from Julie's blog. Oh the irony!

I'm sorry to hear about the panic attacks. That must be truly frightening. And I hear you on the fears coloring your hopes for the future. I do hope you feel better soon.

And about your work -- it sounds to me like a classic situation of "wait and see". There are good reasons for hanging on, but if and when the stress gets too much, it's time to reconsider. Don't put your health on the line for this.

3/29/2006 3:39 AM  
Blogger lauralu said...

no job is worth this kind of stress, but then you already know that. and we don't work in vaccuums - it's never as simple as just quitting - everything is inter-connected. i wish you wisdom in figuring out what the right thing is to do for you.

anxiety is hell, no doubt about it, but are you sure there are no meds you can take? while you were, ahem, on sabbatical, i was taking buspar, which is cat. b for pregnancy, because my anxiety was so great i was ill and couldn't function. i started taking it at about 7 weeks and stepped off of it last week, which means i was on it through organogenesis (sp?) and it had no effect. it made it possible for me to continue in this pregnancy. i'm just saying - there may be something available to you if you're willing to go cat. b, which some people aren't, but i was, because i couldn't go on like i was.

good luck to you.

3/29/2006 7:10 AM  
Anonymous thalia said...

Is there any way you can just say no to some stuff at work? I know I've always felt that I couldn't, but was amazed what happened when I did - I did less, I did it better because I was more focused, and no one seemed to think I was contributing any less.

3/30/2006 9:55 AM  
Blogger Angie said...

Hi Lisa,

I too was recently add to "the big list". I've only been blogging for a couple weeks. I am heterozygous MTHFR C677T and have had 3 miscarriages. We will try again soon. So sorry to hear about the panic attacks. Here's how I dealt with a very symbolic "fear of the future dream" yesterday: I WET THE BED! (Really, oops!) One way or another the fear and anxiety will get to us all. But it helps to write about it and get it out. Good luck!

3/30/2006 6:52 PM  
Blogger . said...

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7/05/2006 4:14 PM  

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