Wednesday, December 07, 2005

On a scale of one to ten...

Recently, Catherine posted the "Rate Your Life Quiz" and I just decided to go take it. My score was average (5.8); I scored the best on finance even though I can take NO credit for that (it's G all the way, there) and worst on mind -- hmm, could anxiety, stress and depression contribute, perhaps? But I digress.

There was one question that caused me to hesitate before answering:

"Do you believe everything happens for a reason?"

I answered no, but I'm not even sure of my own answer.

If there is a reason for everything, then there is a reason why I had to have miscarriages. Ok, check; that one works, because there *is* a reason; uterine anomaly. However, that also implies that there is a reason that I had the septate uterus in the first place. Anyone who has one, in fact, was intended to have it from the time that egg met sperm. And I just can't get my mind around that. I can't get my mind around the notion that there is a reason that my friends (blogger and otherwise) had to experience stillbirth, or infertility, the loss of both parents early... you get the idea -- any devastating thing.

But sometimes, when I reflect on who I've become since the miscarriages, I can say that yes, going through this has changed me, and yes, in some ways even for the better. Not to diminish my losses in any way, but I've found strength I didn't know I had. Was that the reason this all had to happen? While I'm appreciative of opportunities to change and grow in general, I'd like to think there would have been a better lesson to learn, and in no way would I consider what we've been through an "opportunity." (That's akin to calling it a "blessing in disguise"... not going there.)

There's a part of me, though, that still tries to find meaning in "fate", including the fact that if certain things hadn't happened I wouldn't have been in X place at Y time to find out about Z. This has happened to me on more than one occasion; for a while in the 90's I started believing that there really was a grand plan for me, and that "God never closes a door without opening a window." But it's harder to put two and two together and get four with that argument these days. (Yes, the question about faith threw me a little, also.)

So today, as I remember that precisely one year ago I got my first double pink lines, I think about what a strange twist of fate would have had to occur to bring me here -- and then I think that instead, I'd like to chalk this one up to a random event. It's easier that way.


Blogger Jill said...

I guess finding meaning in your losses (discovery of an unknown inner strength) is different than it being a blessing in disguise and all that stuff. It'd still be better if it had't happened:(

12/07/2005 3:19 PM  
Blogger Catherine said...

Maybe you don't get to be privy to "the plan." Maybe you just have to take it on faith that there is a plan...just like you have to take it on faith that there is a God. I don't really know, because I find no comfort in any of that religious stuff anymore. I find no meaning in any of reasons. I do see good things that have come out of it...but I don't believe "the plan" was for me to learn those things. I think it was just a "happy" coincidence that I did learn them.

12/07/2005 4:34 PM  
Blogger lauralu said...

a few months ago i sat on a park bench in montreal and cried like a baby and gave up the last hope of there being anything but absolute chaos in the universe. it *is* easier this way. my mental health has improved considerably since that day. and i don't think anything ever *has* to happen. things just do happen.

12/07/2005 5:51 PM  
Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

I say there's a reason for everything but then I'm lying when I do. There is a reason for some things. Others, there is no reason. Or maybe there is a reason, but it's so contrived and unlikely and statistically improbable it might as well be.

Saying that phrase always makes me feel better though, like there's some higher power in control. Then I get mad again that God is screwing with me again.

12/08/2005 1:23 PM  
Anonymous Steph said...

(((HUGS)) You have been through a HELL Of a year to put it midly. You are an extremely strong woman. I pray that 2006 brings you and G much happiness.

12/08/2005 1:30 PM  

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