Thursday, November 17, 2005

Jaded, petrified and weighted

Well I don't wanna get bitter
I don't wanna get cruel
I don't wanna get old before I have to

- Jill Sobule, "Bitter"

I've fought most of my life to avoid truly being bitter about things. I get angry, sure, and have a stubborn streak (I'm a Taurus) but overall, I've always been more pragmatic; after letting myself calm down about whatever it is I'm perturbed about, I can usually keep some perspective.

Even when G finally agreed to start trying to have a baby after five years of discussion, and after two miscarriages and annoying doctors and finding out that there were these correctible things that, while good news, still meant we'd have to wait even longer to have a baby, I never really resented anything or anyone. I would get sad when I saw pregnant women or heard people talking about pregnancy or newborns, but I never begrudged them their happiness just because I didn't have what they had.

Until I saw a recent article (and picture, pregnant as all get out) of Katie Holmes (also known as half of the relationship "TomKat," in case you weren't aware of that. Oh. My. God.).

I don't wish any harm on her or the baby, for certain, but I am more than just a little bitter when I read this article in People magazine, in which an unnamed friend of Ms. Holmes is quoted as saying "She's going to be a mother at 27. She has everything she wants."

And all this makes me want to say, undeserved or not, is "bitch"...

My mom was a mother at 27, to the day -- I was born on her 27th birthday -- and this is something that has always haunted me: my own quarterlife crisis, I guess. Mom always used to refer to herself as a "late bloomer" in that she hadn't dated much in high school and didn't meet my dad until she was 25, which was old for that time. I didn't meet G until I was 26, got engaged when I was 29, and got married at 30. Even though that's the trend in life these days, I always felt like I was behind in my life goals, despite being happy enough overall with the way things turned out.

The fact that this woman graduated from high school a year before I got my masters' degree (completed in 1998) is not lost on me.

I know, there are plenty of folks out there who would say "whah, whah, why didn't you defer college and grad school and get married right away and start having kids?" Yeah, yeah, I know. We 30-something women have all waited to have kids because we purposefully had other things to accomplish in life, and it has nothing to do with the fact that some of us didn't meet Mr. Right until later, and then Mr. Right had to make up his mind about whether he wanted kids in the first place.

I can feel the bitterness creeping in, and instead of pushing it away, I am embracing it like a warm blanket, allowing it to wrap over me.

Sometimes, it feels really good. Is that wrong?


Blogger April said...

No, it's not wrong. Not at all.

You're in my thoughts.

11/17/2005 11:46 AM  
Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

It occurred to me recently that my mom had me at 24 and if I have a baby at 36, I will be 150% of her age. (There, I've done my one math problem for 2005.) But then, she got married at 21 and I at 33 (well, one month short of it).

As for Katie - yeah, BITCH. But I think Tom is worse. Part of me pities her too, because one day she's going to wake up, and... oh my.

11/17/2005 12:34 PM  
Blogger cat said...

Agreed not wrong. It's part of the process and hell are we not entitled to feeling this way sometimes? Now feeling bad for feeling that way... need not be on the agenda. You have been through a lot and are looking at more. It is not fucking fair and it's 100% normal to feel angry about it sometimes.

Someday she will wake up when his scientologist goons let her out of their sight for a moment and then hopefully she will see what a creepy mistake he is. I feel the most sorry for that kid. Rumor has it she is being paid to have this kid.

11/17/2005 12:45 PM  
Anonymous Kath said...

No, I agree -- it's not wrong. It's natural and human and dare I say unavoidable.

What is dangerous, I think, is carrying that bitterness around as a defensive shield wherever you go, because then it starts to overwhelm you and taint everything. I've seen bitter people, and I've caught myself thinking, "Did they start out like me? What happened? Do you know when the point of no return is reached?" Like you, I've been fighting the bitterness off and on for ages, but I do let it in for the occasional embrace.

Because heck, it's the only embrace that works well with potato-chip debris all over your shirt front.

11/17/2005 1:25 PM  
Anonymous Steph said...

I don't think its wrong I think its human (((HUGS)))

11/17/2005 2:18 PM  
Anonymous pixi said...

Yeah, it occurrs to me that about 3 months ago, I started moving over from sad to bitter. And it's true, you can have fun with it at times, when it gives you that playful, snarky edge. But it becomes a problem when it starts to color everything you do, and people no longer want to be around you (which has happened to me). So, if your bitterness creates new problems for you, then it's time to do a self-check. Although, hell if I know how to break out of it.

Any interesting finds on your power-of-positive-thinking investigations?

11/17/2005 4:44 PM  
Blogger Kathy McC said...

Blechhhh!!! Those two are just disgusting. You're totally human...don't feel bad for feeling bitter.

11/17/2005 5:29 PM  
Blogger lauralu said...

at the risk of having virtual rotten tomatoes thrown at me, may i suggest: why not try anger, instead of bitterness? anger is healthy, productive and justified. bitterness just hurts you more.

i'm not saying you're not entitled to bitterness. i'm just saying you deserve better.

11/17/2005 5:53 PM  
Anonymous thalia said...

No not wrong. Nothing you feel can ever be really wrong. Be kind to yourself. Just let yourself feel what you feel, and don't beat yourself up about any of it.

11/18/2005 4:43 AM  
Blogger fisher queen said...

That's what the blogosphere is here for, IMHO- so we can let it out, and try to be more positive in real life. Bitter away girl. We'll laugh with you, cause most of us feel the same way.

11/20/2005 1:47 PM  

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