Monday, September 12, 2005

tough love

G and I got into another argument yesterday. (He and I are good at it, unfortunately). Again, it stems from me forecasting my/our fertility future so far out that I'm depressing myself, and from him a) not wanting to see me go there, emotionally, before we know we really need to, and b) not being sure he wants to go there, period. Meaning he's not 100% positive that he wants to "have a child at any cost."

I can't say I'm surprised. We struggled to get to the point where he was okay with having kids anyway, so to say "yes, I will do whatever it takes to make this happen" is a hard step for him to contemplate, let alone agree to. I can't say for sure that I would do so, either, but I'm obviously more emotionally attached to the idea, having been the one who's wanted a child for most of my adult life.

G also doesn't know exactly what it is I'm doing when I'm on the computer, but doesn't think "it particularly serves me." I can't explain blogging to him well; he thinks it's stressing me out more to read stories of other people in similar (or more extreme, in some cases) situations, and while he may be right, I can't stop myself. From thinking these thoughts or from wanting to get all this information.

I'm wondering if my current Zoloft dose is enough. It may be time to increase it. *sigh*


Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

My husband, too, banned all miscarriage-related books because of my insatiable thirst for knowledge and understanding.

However, when it comes to the internet, I think he gave up. He makes his living online and since our computers are in the same room he can kind of keep an eye on me and make sure I'm not spending all our money on Ebay. Plus he reads my blog. I don't know how he found it in the first place, but he reads it and that's fine.

Even I don't know whether I want a child 'at any cost.' We've just agreed that when we decide it's time to give up, we'll know. Maybe the two of you can come to a consensus like that too. Rather than having no ceiling, a lofty one of indeterminate height is less intimidating.

9/12/2005 1:54 PM  
Blogger Jill said...

Well K has never commented on my thirst for knowledge particularly since he has seen the benefits of it in the doctor's office and also I was complemeted on my medical knowledge in the ER the other week;)

As for a child at any cost? For 1 and 2 that limit would have been LOW. Now he has the kids and knows what we are doing and he is prepared to go much further. I wonder now though if we are getting close to the limit.

As Eve said, we'll just 'know' I think.

9/12/2005 4:40 PM  
Blogger Kathy McC said...

I upped my Zoloft from 50 to 75 and I feel tons better. Couldn't hurt to look into it. But it won't help with the dh...sigh.

9/12/2005 4:54 PM  
Blogger cat said...

Mr. Miao was concerned at first then I started reading him a blog... chez miscarriage actually and he understood finally that you women are my inspiration, my net, my solace.

I don't necessarily recommend my tactics but encourage you to find whatever works for both of you to be comfortable with your own individual coping strategies.

Trust your heart you will know when to push and when to pull.

9/12/2005 5:07 PM  
Blogger lauralu said...

that my husband and i are blogging together (well, his posts to mine are like 1:10, but still, even when he doesn't post, he reads and he comments like crazy) has helped him understand the blogging thing.

but there are limits. i signed up for SPALS and less than a week later unsubscribed because it was making me a nervous wreck. because of the nature of the list, women who have a loss then go on to have a healthy child tend to drift away and overall spend shorter times on the list, while women with multiple losses are naturally going to be on there a long, long time. which means that there are a disproportionate number of women with 5, 6, 7 losses making posts, if you compare them with the general population or even the group of women who've had any losses. i understood all that statistically, intellectually, but emotionally it seemed like dramatic, overwhelming proof that i would never have a live birth. i got physically ill. so i got off the list, and it helped.

i think we all have to acknowledge the line between helpful and harmful. there are some popular blogs that i just don't follow because they bring me down - without any compensation, like wit or great writing or support to me in return. then there are some blogs that i check in with periodically but i had to decide not to get too involved in, for my mental health. the blogs i read daily are the blogs of people i support and who offer me support in return; that's what works for me.

i hope you figure out where that line is for you. good luck.

9/12/2005 5:34 PM  
Blogger Chan said...

A dear friend of mine had/has a serious case of PPD and is/was on Zoloft. She went to see a naturapath (sp?) who suggested trying vitamin B to help. She's since gone from 200mg a day (is it mg they measure it in?) down to nothing except for the B12 in a matter of 6 months and she feels like her old self again. I too have started taking it and I must admit, my mood has increased dramatically, though don't let Tom Cruise get wind of this.

I understand completely where you're coming from concerning G. I struggled for 5 years with my ex trying to get him to at least go for a SA but he wouldn't be in it. It hurts to realize that what is important to us isn't as important to them.

Please know that you're not alone on this journey. We're all right here with you....

9/12/2005 6:26 PM  

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