Friday, September 02, 2005

The one-two punch.

When I think it's over, it's not.

I learned last night that I can still cry about not being a mom. It was just a scene in a stupid movie with a man leaning over a pregnant woman's belly, listening to the baby, but it reminded me of everything and it all came out.

(Well, it's also that I got an information packet from my RE... that included *price lists and financing option brochures* -- holy CRAP, what am I getting myself into here??)

I also know that I am obsessing over this too much. I know that. I am finding out all this information, storing it away in my brain and then when my mind gets going, the inevitable conclusions I come to are not what I need to be thinking right now.

There's part of this situation with me that I haven't talked about here; for years, G was not sure he wanted kids. I always knew I did. I've know this about him since we met in 1996 and after we got married in 2000 we've discussed it, ignored it, fought about it... all the things you probably shouldn't do in a relationship, but we did because it's our nature. I kept trying to find a way that he would be comfortable with the situation because I just knew that he would be a good father, and that he was just scared.

When he finally said that he was ready to try, I realized what a big step that was for him.

We got pregnant fairly quickly, both times. Yeah, I know I'm lucky; I've read what a lot of the infertile bloggers have been through and know that I could have it much, much worse -- years of infertility, followed by expensive procedures ending with multiple losses. I don't know how some of those women persisted through what they did, but I admire their tenacity.

But the problem is that when I look at what we've gone through as a couple just to get to the point of starting to try, and imagine going through even tougher things -- Clomid, IUI, IVF, adoption -- I don't know that I have it in me. I don't know that WE have it in us. And I KNOW it's been too short of a journey for me to be thinking about that, already. But it's in my nature to worry and obsess, even though I know it doesn't serve any good purpose.

Why does something that comes so EASILY for some people have to be so complicated for others?

And why can't I stop that train of thought in my mind from running off its track?

6 Comments:

Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

Lisa, I'm angry about that every day. How much can we take? Or minds? Or bodies? Our wallets? Our husbands? And how come everyone else gets knocked up and then complains?

I'm selfish. I was complaining this morning about my menstrual cramps because they should be labor pains. I want a baby. I hate knowing how to spell 'antiphospholipids' and what an HSG stands for and actually looking forward to having one next week.

And the shame is, I wasn't sure I even wanted kids. But once I set my mind to it, I couldn't stop. Only my body did it, and I don't like my body for overriding my mind. All except for the conclusions that it keeps giving me now, like you cite.

Yes. When you think it's over, it's not.

(((((embraces)))))

9/03/2005 2:10 PM  
Blogger Jill said...

Yeah, being as I have kids already, I am certainly hesitant to go to great (invasive) lengths to get the final member of our family here.

But it's an obsession and I feel like it will be a massive defeat if I just give up because it gets a little tricky.

But indeed, how far am I iwlling to go? I haven't reached my limits yet so I can't say.

Why does it have to be so complicated? I am so hoping this will be over quickly for you. (((hugs)))

9/03/2005 8:31 PM  
Blogger Em said...

My mind runs off the track all the time. My husband is continually pulling me back into the day. Today, I am a woman who is either going to have to do ovulation induction or IVF. I just have to keep it in the day but it is so hard not to fast-forward the tape.

9/04/2005 7:52 AM  
Blogger cat said...

((hug)) This kind of loss I don't think it's ever over really and maybe that's part of it... the things you have already done, you and your partner, have been remarkable. You are already survivors.

I know that it's the same for me... and I felt like you do, hell I still do feel like it a lot. Each step I try not to think about the next step just the step we are on... sometimes it works and when I look back there are a lot of steps behind me that I didn't think we would be able to take.

You will know as each step comes up what is right for you and your family and we will be out here rooting for you every step of the way whatever you choose.

9/04/2005 5:50 PM  
Blogger lauralu said...

it took us a long time to both be ready to have kids, and of course it goes through my mind sometimes that if we hadn't waited so long, and my eggs weren't so old, things would be different. but i also know that we were not ready to be parents together before last year. if we had had a child earlier, i don't know that we'd be together now. and i can't change the past. what i have is a husband i do love and do want to have children with, and a beloved, dead son, and a tadpole percolating. there are a million what-ifs, but they're irrelevant, because all i can do is play my hand.

9/05/2005 8:46 PM  
Anonymous Clomid Prescription Information said...

My name is Holly Lem and i would like to show you my personal experience with Clomid.

I am 28 years old. I got preg first time on my own & miscarried. after a while of trying, my dr put me on clomid. after the first round i got pregnant & miscarried. i decided not to try or think about it at all probably for a 9 months... right around the time baby would be due & then started trying again. after a few months got back on clomid. after 5 months and no pregnancy i'm giving it a rest again. it's to much disappointment. i'm going to give it a try again soon, in the mean time we're keeping our fingers crossed for the old fashioned way to work.

I have experienced some of these side effects-
HOT FLASHES, moody, cry easily, weight gain, headaches etc!!

I hope this information will be useful to others,
Holly Lem

10/22/2008 1:15 PM  

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