Thursday, November 03, 2005

you couldn't POSSIBLY have ideas that good

From a recent promotional e-mail I received:
We have ideas to make you look forward to Christmas.

Umm, I don't think so.


Last night at my therapist's appointment we spent a good portion of time talking about anxiety.  She seems to think that my anxiety might be a bigger part of my problem right now than depression, and may actually be feeding into my depression.  I'm starting to think she's right. 
The main source of my trouble right now is that I'm worried, even though I know I shouldn't be.  Every time someone tells me "well at least now you have some answers" I can't seem to convince myself that there still isn't reason to worry.  I have trouble thinking positively even in the face of all these positive steps that are lined up in the coming months - the surgery, the treatment for the clotting factors, trying again -- essentially, I somehow cannot believe that we will come out of this unscathed and with a baby.  Everything I've been obsessing over for the past four months boils down to this worry, and it is constant.  It is the source of what's making my life a near-living-hell.
Shaking this fear, this worry will not be easy, I know.  I've gone down this road before with other fears, other worries and somehow something else in the equation has changed to take me out of the worry-state, rather than some sort of change in me.  In order to get my hope back, I must persist with the necessary work that I've managed to dodge in the past -- that of conquering my anxiety and fears and shutting down the negative self-talk that has wrecked my self-esteem over the past decade.
This work will not be easy, but then, I suppose it was never intended to be.


Blogger Catherine said...

I don't think anybody said you'd come out of this or anything else "unscathed." But you will come out of it. Because you're strong...and you have no other choice. Even if you can't or won't do it for yourself...there are too many people who love you and care about you to disappoint us. :o)

11/03/2005 1:06 PM  
Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

Did the email mention your surgery as a way to make you look forward to Christmas?

Stupid advertisers.

11/03/2005 2:37 PM  
Blogger cat said...

Even with answers we were still full of worry too. You are a strong woman and we will be out here rooting for you every step of the way.

11/03/2005 5:09 PM  
Blogger Anne said...

Yeah, more than you share, no doubt. I do not know who deals these cards or who decides who gets the joker. But it does help, I think, just to tell yourself "you can't beat the house" and then let the chips fall where they may.

11/03/2005 7:36 PM  
Anonymous pixi said...

That's such a huge mission for someone who's been through so much. I like your awareness of what you've done in the past and your plan to look for a different approach this time. I'll be eager to learn about your process/progress in this endeavor. I'm sure the stupid advertisement doesn't hold the key, but I sure hope you find a way to regain your ability to look forward with anticipation not anxiety. I'm rooting for you.

11/03/2005 11:09 PM  
Blogger Jill said...

If you find the answer to nixing the illogical anxiety - let me know!

Answers or no answers - your body has proven itself adept at stuffing up and THAT is what hurt you, not the reasons for the stuff ups, but the losses themselves.

So I guess maybe there is some trick to making your brain think in a healthier way. I wish I knew it cos my stupid anxiety ridden brain could well be the end of me!

11/04/2005 2:08 AM  
Anonymous Kath said...

Of course you're worried and anxious, Lisa. That is what your prior experience in this regard has taught you to be. It's nothing to blame yourself for, and it's the most natural thing in the world. I, too, am worried worried worried these days, with no relief in sight. But if it helps, here's what I'm telling myself:

I don't think you need to fight/conquer/push yourself to get your hope back. Give yourself a break now by trying not to expect anything of yourself. You've got concrete steps to handle now (in your case, surgery, blood-clotting treatment, coping with grief and worry), and you've got enough on your plate if you focus on handling those. Expecting to be able to muster hope now, by force if necessary, is perhaps a bit much to ask of yourself. Hope has a strange tendency of appearing, unbidden, when you least expect it.

I'm so hoping you feel better soon, my dear. XOXO

11/04/2005 4:57 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home