Thursday, October 27, 2005

"Getting it"

One of my co-workers has apparently experienced both miscarriage and unexplained infertility. I found this out because I am not altogether quiet about what I've been through, and in the course of talking about my RE appointment, she disclosed to me that she'd seen one as well, years ago, during her first marriage. She's now dating someone who already has adult children and grandchildren, and from what I can gather, these grandchildren are her surrogate children. She talks about them all the time.

One thing I cannot understand is her need to refer to one of them as THE BABY. She does this all the time, so much so that I thought that one of them actually *was* a baby, when in fact, upon asking "how is is she?," was told that she's three. As in "years old," not weeks or months.

Not only does she refer to her as THE BABY, she does so loudly. And often. And repetitively, as in she repeats the same story about what THE BABY said, or what THE BABY did, over and over, until I am ready to rip my ears off with my bare hands.

She even has a special BABY-ish voice that she uses when she's telling someone what THE BABY said, using THE BABY's own words of course, which makes it such that even if I have been successfully tuning out their conversation, my still-injured-and-bleeding ears cannot help but perk up and listen. (I have yet to put my hands over my ears and start saying "LA-LA-LA" at top volume, but some days, I really do feel like doing it.)

She's a nice woman, really. But I cannot understand how she does not "get it", having been through the trials of trying unsuccessfully herself.

Do people really forget what it's like to feel this way?

7 Comments:

Anonymous Jill said...

Yes, I think they must forget. My next door neighbor recently revealed to me that she had struggled with unexplained infertility for four years before having her daughter. When I told her that I have had four miscarriages she told me to JUST RELAX and then I would have a baby. Gah.

10/27/2005 1:54 PM  
Anonymous pixi said...

I don't know the answer to that. I just know that it seems like I'll never forget. But your story makes me think that maybe it is possible, and that maybe one day when we've gotten through all of this (let's hope), that we will sort of forget? It would be nice in a way. Still, I'd like to think that I'd always try to be sensitive to others who are experiencing reproductive problems.

Sorry you have to deal with that baby talk business. Sounds excrutiating!

10/27/2005 2:45 PM  
Blogger April said...

Unfortunately, yes. I think that they do forget.

I've had friends who struggled with infertility, and who I felt comfortable opening up about our struggles with. We also got the "go on vacation" or "just relax" spiel from them.

If anyone should know better, they should.

Sigh. Sorry you're having to deal with this.

10/27/2005 3:16 PM  
Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

Find out the name of THE BABY. Use it a lot. Correct her.

For what it's worth, I was THE BABY to my grandmother. I was the youngest of seven grandchildren, and my mother was THE WOMAN MY SON MARRIED. Neither of us had names. You can tell where I landed in the pecking order.

She's dead now...

10/27/2005 4:04 PM  
Blogger lauralu said...

i think some people just don't have the emotional resources to deal with infertility and pregnancy loss and they crack. she sounds like a cracked egg to me, or at least like an egg long in denial.

10/27/2005 5:25 PM  
Blogger Kathy McC said...

I agree with lauralu. People have weird ways of dealing with grief, and maybe this is her pendulum swing to the other side so that she doesn't have to cope with her real feelings. So sorry you're on the receiving end...

10/27/2005 6:36 PM  
Blogger Jill said...

Sounds annoying no matter where she's coming from and no matter where you're coming from.

As for forgetting - where it comes to pain associated with children, we gals have an amazing capacity to forget.

The whole 'la-la-la' thing sounds like it might be a goer though...

10/28/2005 10:41 AM  

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