Monday, August 22, 2005

Same as it ever was, same as it ever was...

In the words of David Byrne... "well, how did I get here??"

I've been doing some thinking for the last couple of days, wondering what became of my formerly confident and generally self-assured self. Granted, I know that my recent pain has contributed to the person that I am today, but honestly, I haven't been myself - or at least, the shell of myself - for several years now.

In thinking back to the days when we're at our most vulnerable -- middle school, puberty, high school, dating, etc. -- I believe that I'm in worse shape, self-esteem-wise, than I ever was in my youth. And I wanna know -- what did this???

I don't know what it is that has caused me to second-guess every decision I've made as an adult, to wonder if there really is something I did that caused my losses, to think that one day I will be discovered at work for the incompetent fraud that I am... you get the picture. I am an anxiety-ridden, semi-depressive mess, and that's on top of the fact that 2005 has been the worst year of my life and it's barely half over.

Antidepressants may solve what's ailing me now, but I have to wonder what got me here in the first place?

This is not my beautiful house...


Blogger lauralu said...

oh, lisa, i feel for you, because i was at the place you describe about 4 1/2 years ago. it took four therapists to find the right one to guide me out of the swamp. and all of this was long before i lost my son. but i do know that persisting until i found the help i needed made it possible to survive the loss, horrible as it was and is. please don't give up. if whatever you're trying now isn't working, find another psychiatrist, another therapist, another minister or social worker or whatever. bad things will always happen, but your skills at handling them can change. there is hope.

8/22/2005 9:29 PM  
Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

I think I can enumerate each event that smashed a figurative window in my beautiful house, but even thinking of that is too painful. All I know that I have this idea that if only I could have a healthy, living baby, none of that would matter anymore...

My God! What have I done?!

8/22/2005 9:38 PM  
Blogger Julie said...

"Under the rocks and stones/There is water underground"
Hang in there Lisa. We may never know how we got here, or why, but we'll be right there with you as we all muddle through. I agree with Laura, even though I haven't found my best coping mechanism just yet.

8/22/2005 11:38 PM  
Blogger Kathy McC said...

I blame it all on my parents. Really, I am feeling you on this one...I am in therapy once a week to try and figure it all out. I just hope the revalation comes for us all very soon.

8/23/2005 7:17 AM  
Blogger Jill said...

(((Lisa))) I know what you mean, I was far more confident in my youth than I have been as an adult - but I still fake it like a pro...take that as you will;)

But certainly, get the help you feel you need. You don't owe your current 'helper' any loyalty. Just find someone who fits you and hopefully you will together find that part of you that can get you through everything life throws at you.

Meanwhile, you always have we(us?) hens lined up in the virtual henhouse to twitter away to for as long as you want to, about whatever you need to talk about:)

8/23/2005 8:22 AM  
Blogger cat said...

You are not alone in these feelings. While this may not solve any of the issues it may help a little to know that so many of us feel the same way and are mucking through along with you.

We are out here cheering you on and reminding you that you are courageous and wonderful.

8/23/2005 2:47 PM  
Blogger Catherine said...

If you were hit by a bus, would you wonder why you felt bad? Would we dust you off and send you along on your merry way? Or would we treat your injuries and counsel you in order to ease your mind?

A doctor recently told me I'd been hit by the emotional equivalent of a bus. So have you, my dear. You need to take time to heal. Don't expect you're just going to dust yourself off and be on your merry way.

8/23/2005 2:53 PM  

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