Wednesday, August 02, 2006

What happens after "happily ever after?"

I couldn't help but get upset when I went to drop off a library book this morning; I pulled into the lot at the same time as a woman and her young daughter and just got sad... not just because I do not have children of my own but also because at times I just don't see it ever working for me. I feel like I can barely take care of myself some days, and so thinking about having a child makes me feel panicky. Problem is, thinking about *not* having a child makes me feel worse.

I should be happier.

I have just shy of two days left at my job. G and I are gung-ho to try to make a baby this month (sperm meets egg plan, given Lola's success with it and the other positive results that have been reported). I am trying to lose weight and get back into shape and while I haven't been perfect, I'm doing much better than I thought I would be.

But at the same time that I am worried about not getting pregnant, I'm worried about what happens if I do, and actually make it through the whole 40 weeks and actually come home with a baby. I have heard from so many people that "don't worry, the maternal instinct will kick in" but I have to wonder, what if it doesn't? I daresay I've also thought "what if it never will, and it just isn't meant to, hence the reason I've never been able to have a child" -- but that is a defeatist attitude and I should not think that way. Whenever my mind goes down these paths, I am reminded of a scene from the Steven Sondheim musical Into the Woods:

Baker: Maybe I just wasn't meant to have children--

Baker's Wife: (enters as ghost) Don't say that!
Of course you were meant to have children!
The scenario in the musical doesn't relate to me at all (hmmm, lessee: man raising his child after his wife was killed by a giant... nope, doesn't fit) but a few lines later the Baker's wife says something that I hope and pray is right... "you'll know what to do."

When G was on the fence about having kids, one of his main reasons was not knowing how he'd be as a father or whether things would work out financially or whether he'd have the patience... etc. And when we would argue about it he always told me that "you just somehow know that everything will work out."

I just hope that part of me finds her way back.


Blogger Amy said...

One of my favorite scenes in ITW. Can't beat Joanna Gleason and Chip Zien. :-)

I had a discussion about the same kinds of things with a friend a few months ago. I can't imagine her (or you) not being a fabulous mother, and yet you both express doubts in your abilities. I think the concern is an indication that you'll care enough to do a great job. You'll read. You'll listen to your doctor. You'll talk to friends who are parents. And you'll figure it out. You and G are intelligent people, and though raising kids is a challenge, it isn't rocket science.

I'm not saying that it will always be perfect or that you'll never be frustrated, but I have faith that you and he will work it out!

Oh, and you aren't alone. Probably once a day I think about being a mom at some point and freak out. ;-)

8/02/2006 6:03 PM  
Blogger Thalia said...

There used to be a blog all about this - ambivalent infertility. It was really interesting reading about someone who was so ambivalent going through iVF (Not that you are this ambivalent, just that I remember being fascinated by her story). On a milder note, I think we all have those moments. I sometimes look up on Saturday mornings around 11am and think, do I really want to giv eu this leaisure and this alone time with my husband to have a child? And believe me, I am very very passionate about having a child. So it's normal.

I sing into the woods in my head the whole time. Very sadly obsessive, I am.

8/03/2006 4:21 PM  
Anonymous Kath said...

Dear Lisa, I hope you find your way back too. I'm so sad to see you so sad.

And happy belated bloggiversary! I think mine is coming up too, come to think of it...

8/05/2006 4:19 AM  

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