Monday, July 10, 2006

I want a do-over.

The simplest concept: just try again. And yet because I am 36 and have never had a child and wonder every day whether I'll actually ever become a mother, sometimes I think "well, I shouldn't HAVE to try again; I should just get a 'do-over.'

In so many areas of my life, I'd like a 'do-over;' to choose a college program that I would actually put to use, or a first job that I'd actually want to keep. To not make bad decisions or choices I'd live to regret. I watched the movie "13 going on 30" recently and imagined how wonderful it would be to go back, safe with the knowledge of how you'd screwed up the first time, and get the opportunity to make a better choice. To be a better person.

On the subject of kids, though, I'd really like to have a better first chance. A do-over on the waiting, the frustration. Go back and 'do-over' all the fights that made having a child such a big deal in the first place. Find a better way to convince G sooner that he would make a good father, like I think he eventually figured out on his own, after the losses. Start over with the BFP in December 2004 and today be the proud mommy of an almost-one-year old.

I can't have a do-over, I know. I just ache so badly for a child of my own and although some people say that I seem stronger for what we've been through, I know I'm really not. I feel this hurt in my heart nearly every day and it just won't stop.

I wonder if it ever will.


Blogger Catherine said...

I know our situations are very different. But I feel this post in my soul. I wish so many things...for you...for myself...for other people I've grown to love. But I won't fill this comment with how I know it will happen for any of us...because I obviously don't know anything as far as the grand plan goes. Just know that there are people out here who love you and support you. Hopefully that will be at least some comfort.

7/11/2006 7:03 AM  
Blogger Kate said...

I think about "do-overs" a lot too these days. How unfair that all the joy that was suppose to be exerpienced by being pregnant and becoming a mom have completely been taken away from us. How unfair it is. I think about what I could have done differently. My husband was on the fence for awhile before we ttc. Maybe if I had pushed him sooner, maybe things would be different. Instead of where I am. Too bad we don't get do-overs. Hey, I was wondering did any of your Dr.'s ever say anything about the MTHFR thing. I am homo for that too and every doctor keeps telling me that it's nothing to be considered with and not related to my 3 losses. Just wondering if you found out anything different.

7/11/2006 9:34 AM  
Blogger Bronwyn said...

What always galls me is how easy it is for most people to have the number of children they want, more or less when they'd like. It's not bloody fair, dammit! (I don't know where that reage came from -- I guess this post really hit home.) I hope our children will be delivered to us soon, safe and sound. If we can't have a do-over, we all at least deserve some happiness and fulfillment with what remains of our reproductive years.

7/11/2006 11:19 AM  
Blogger Lisa P. said...

Kate, my docs said the same thing about the MTHFR, and truth be told in my case, the septum was probably more of a factor -- plus my homocysteine levels have always been normal (of course I've only been tested when I'm not pregnant, so who knows...)

Thanks Cathy and Bronwyn. You guys (and everyone else who comments here) GET it, and I'm so glad I know you all.

7/11/2006 12:03 PM  
Anonymous annmarie said...

Hi Lisa, I wish you many magical do-overs, and if that can't happen, I wish you many opportunities to go out there and get what you want. I understand the hurt in your heart. I feel it in mine too and I wonder every day when I will be a mom and it sickens me to watch the world pass me by. Thank God for blogs...

7/11/2006 6:39 PM  
Blogger msfitzita said...

A do-over would be very, very nice indeed. It seems so unfair that some people are made to struggle so much and to suffer so much sorrow. I'll never understand why we're the chosen ones.

I agree with the poster above. Thank God for blogs and for people who really, really get it.

P.S. As for the comment you left me, deal! :)

7/12/2006 9:00 AM  

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