Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Older, wiser... bitter.

I remember when chart obsession was a fun thing.

It seems a long time ago now, although it was less than two years ago that I was really happy to be trying to have a baby. I obsessed with online buddy groups, checked my symptoms multiple times a day, kept track of my temps and knew what cycle day I was on immediately when I woke up in the morning. I would wait for the interpretation to say "most fertile," would look for signs of triphasic temperatures, would obsess over how many times we'd done the deed before I ovulated.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that the actual act of making a baby is getting old; we (luckily?) didn't go through that many cycles before the miscarriages where sex to make a baby became a "chore" like so many couples I've heard about. Although it really sucked to get pregnant quickly enough to have two miscarriages in six months, I know that in the grand scheme of trying to conceive, I was quite lucky. But really, the rest of it is all so... trying. Excuse the pun.

Of course, now that we're past the surgery I have to wonder if my ability to get pregnant quickly has waned. Granted, there have been things that have gotten in the way (damn job, primarily) making some cycles go by with nary a chance. I was counting the other day and really, we're only on our eighth cycle since the surgery, and out of the previous seven, only four were cycles that we actually tried. It took us four cycles after the first miscarriage to get pregnant again, so I'm really not that far off, considering.

But I hate that the fun of trying to make a baby is gone. Again, not *that* fun; I mean the "OMG do you think we have a chance this month?" and "how long do you think I should wait to test?" Yeah, it may have been slightly clueless but the alternative - flat reality - is not all that appealing, and doesn't lend itself to much in the way of hope. I just want a reason for hope, however fleeting, to return.


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