Tuesday, September 27, 2005

the long journey back to normal

Today I saw the new counselor, M. She's more astute than a lot of counselors I've seen, and asked questions rather than just letting me talk the whole time. And apparently she did her job just right for the first session, because after my talk with her, I did a lot of thinking about the way I'm framing life right now. And I think that part of my big problem is that I no longer expect anything good to happen.

I'm not a regular church attendee, and have had serious faith issues this past six months. However, I just finished reading "When Bad Things Happen to Good People," and there are two parts that resonated with me. The first is the author's discussion of the kinds of prayer that God answers - not those that ask for a life free of problems or illness or bad things, but rather those that ask for courage, strength, and hope. He writes:
[t]he conventional explanation, that God sends us the burden because he knows that we are strong enough to handle it, has it all wrong. Fate, not God, sends us the burden. When we try to deal with it, we find out that we are not strong. We are weak, we get tired, we get angry, overwhelmed. We begin to wonder how we will ever make it through all the years. But when we reach the limits of our own strength and courage, something unexpected happens. We find reinforcement coming from a source outside of ourselves. And in the knowledge that we are not alone, that God is on our side, we manage to go on.
The second speaks directly to the problem I'm having:
...God has created a world in which many more good things than bad things happen. We find life's disasters upsetting not only because they are painful but because they are exceptional.... [w]hen you have been hurt by life, it may be hard to keep that in mind.
I'm not totally out the woods yet; but realizing this is the core of my problem right now made me feel empowered somehow. I hope to continue empowering myself.

---

My 3D ultrasound was also this morning. I got good news, if you can call it that - the test confirmed the septum that the RE saw on my HSG results. I did have a frightening moment when I got the preliminary report after reading "the left ovary is not visualized" (???) but have read that they can "hide" behind other organs and I'm not going to think anything else until I'm told otherwise.

Next steps: get through this cycle, get new cd3 bloodwork done, go back for my followup appointment with the RE 10/28. Don't think about surgery or results or anything further in the future than just that.

Wish me luck.

6 Comments:

Blogger Kristyn said...

Sounds like you are going through some tough times. Makes my problems seem petty. To quote Brandon Flowers of The Killers, "Everything will be alright."

9/27/2005 9:19 PM  
Blogger Catherine said...

I LOVE that book...I recommend setting it aside and going back and reading it once a month for a few months. Every time I re-read it, I find something new that speaks to me.

9/27/2005 9:40 PM  
Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

Nice to see you again, dear friend! I've missed your writing but am glad that you're taking time to work through this mess that we're in.

Don't worry about the ovary. When I had my second u/s (the one with my second ill-fated pregnancy) they couldn't find one of my ovaries either - it had floated behind my uterus. When I had another u/s a few weeks ago (to check the shape of the uterus) there they both were, big and round and ready to pop with ovulation. Amazing things they are.

And yes, I wish you a lot of luck.

9/28/2005 9:15 AM  
Blogger cat said...

Hoping that everything will work out for you. I know how scary all this is and you are right taking it one day/step at a time helps. Thinking of you and sending you support.

I have to disagree with the second quote in that book. Bad things seem to happen just as much as good things (at least in the dark comedy that is my life). However focusing on the good that life has given does help me deal with the bad.

9/28/2005 11:19 AM  
Blogger Kathy McC said...

Glad to hear the visit with the therapist went well. And glad you got some answers from the ultrasound. Wishing you nothing but luck and good things.

9/28/2005 5:14 PM  
Blogger lauralu said...

i really struggle with that book, but i'm glad it's helping you.

as for the technical stuff, yea for getting through another step of the process!

9/28/2005 5:19 PM  

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