Tuesday, August 02, 2005

On the edge

Note to self: always check your medicine cabinet to see if you have any leftover antidepressants rather than assuming you threw them all away. I discovered a COMPLETELY FULL bottle of Celexa in one of our medicine cabinets, and although it's a *teensy* bit old, I'm taking them to get me started on something until my meds appointment on August 19. (Yes, that's EDD #1, for those who are keeping track.)

Why, you ask, did I check now?? Well, last night I came very close to an uncomfortable breaking point.

I had talked to G during the day, and told him that I was going to the loss support group that evening (more on that later) and could he start dinner so we could eat by 6pm since he gets home at 5:15? No problems there.

So when I got home at 5:50, and his car wasn't in the garage... my mind started racing.

Now mind you, I'd had a pretty stressful day yesterday; I felt like I was bordering on an anxiety attack as it was, so my immediate first thoughts were that a) something had happened to his grandma, or b) he was in an accident.

G is "technology resistant", so he does not have a cell phone. (We had planned to purchase him one eventually so he'd have one for when I was close to being in labor, of course. Not thinking about that...anyway.) I began to get extremely worried.

So, when he finally got home at 6:15, I was close to tears, and asked him if he was alright. He said "yeah, my doctor's appointment ran late." (I had forgotten the appointment.) When I said something about needing to get him that cell phone, he kind of smiled, rolled his eyes, and said "I *knew* you were going to bring that up."

I lost it; started crying, saying all I was doing was being worried about him and what's so wrong with being able to call and say "I'm running late" as a courtesy?? He just sighed and said "Don't cry. We can get me one. Why don't you look into it." - the latter part since it's *my* cell phone plan, blah blah blah. I don't remember exactly what else we said, but by the time I left for the support group, I was fighting back tears. (A good time to be on my way to a support group, I suppose!)

Long story... well, not short, but to sum up: I think my prior depression and mild anxiety are returning, and I really hope that I can get it under control. Blech.

So... the support group. It was started in February by a woman who had four live children, two miscarriages, one stillborn son, and an ectopic pregnancy (in a pear tree? oh my, bad humor,sorry.) She explained that it hadn't gotten a large number of people thus far, but that I was welcome to stay and talk even if it was just her. Eventually another couple did come in; they had one living child, one early miscarriage and were just two weeks past an ectopic that ruptured. We talked back and forth, and I was surprised at how much ANGER I had, for the first time since either loss. I sounded really bitter at some points. But overall, it helped to be able to say these things out loud. While I've always been a much better written communicator than a speaker for personal topics, for some reason I felt good talking (not that that's not what I'm doing here, but it's different, in a way).

At the end of the session (which ran 2 hours instead of the scheduled 1.5) the leader offered me a hug, and I gladly accepted it.

I wish it weren't only Tuesday.


Blogger Catherine said...

One day at a time.

8/02/2005 2:22 PM  
Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

I'm so glad you got something good out of the meeting. I think I'll go to mine in a week. Maybe. We'll see.

8/02/2005 4:20 PM  
Blogger Jill said...

I suspected that something about saying stuff out loud would make all the difference. I'm glad it helped, will you go again and is it every week?

As for everything else, the reason we are all here is to help each other hold on just long enough to get to the next point in the journey. August 19th will be a big day, full of sorrow but also waiting with a helping hand. But until then, keep on typing ((hugs)).

8/02/2005 5:24 PM  

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