Friday, August 05, 2005

Forgive these morbid thoughts...

"I really don't know why it is that all of us are so committed to the sea, except I think it is because in addition to the fact that the sea changes and the light changes, and ships change, it is because we all came from the sea. And it is an interesting biological fact that all of us have, in our veins the exact same percentage of salt in our blood that exists in the ocean, and, therefore, we have salt in our blood, in our sweat, in our tears. We are tied to the ocean. And when we go back to the sea, whether it is to sail or to watch it we are going back from whence we came."

John F. Kennedy, Remarks in Newport, RI, September 14, 1962

"All drains lead to the ocean."
Gill, Finding Nemo

This is going to be really bizarre, and/or really morbid, but I thought it, and I'm hoping that someone who reads it will understand why I posted it.

While getting ready for work in our main bathroom this morning, I thought of the second quote posted here, from one of my favorite movies, "Finding Nemo." I miscarried both of my babies in that bathroom, and being that I'd been given no instructions on what, if anything, to do in that situation either time, and being that it seemed impossible for me to do what I've read others have done regarding "saving products of conception", I did the unthinkable.

I can't even type it here. It seems so wrong to say it.

G and I are both ocean lovers, and feel a certain pull to the sea that causes us to make at least two trips to some beach per year, and one trip is usually in the fall. I remember talking about a possible fall trip back in June, shortly after we'd learned we were pregnant again, and I remember this specifically because G had said "we need to go, so we can introduce the fetal [baby P] to the ocean."

Forgive me, little ones, for going about it completely the wrong way.


Blogger Julie said...

I'm sorry, and I understand.

8/05/2005 9:58 AM  
Blogger Catherine said...

I'm sure all the reassurances in the world won't help, so just know that it's ok...and you are not alone. That is an awful burden you are carrying around with you. I hope that by sharing it "out loud" you have lightened the weight.

8/05/2005 1:00 PM  
Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

I feel better about what you did than the fact that my 'products of conception' no doubt were burned in a medical incinerator after my D&C.

Forgive yourself. Please.

8/05/2005 2:53 PM  
Blogger Jill said...

Oh Lisa...with all of my pregnancies I obsessed over what to do in the event of the worst happening. HOW do you make a decision? I still can't believe I did what I did either, but I think at that moment, it is an alternative state of mind you are in anyway. It's ok, you did only what you knew to do at the time. You didn't know how you would regret it. We all have those stories:(

As Dory says: 'Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, what can you do but swim, swim, swim?'

8/05/2005 6:11 PM  
Blogger lauralu said...

i almost miscarried my eventually-stillborn son, and i had no idea at that point that i was supposed to catch anything. i, too, would have done what i always did with anything that came out of my uterus.

i find the everything-returns-to-the-sea philosophy quite comforting. your babies have rejoined the fluid of life. i don't think the method of travel matters.

8/07/2005 6:34 PM  

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