Thursday, August 04, 2005

Better day, sort of..

Today was much better than yesterday, thankfully.

Of course, that was partially because I was in meetings from 9am to 2pm today. (I hate meetings, particularly on the project I work on. We sometimes call them "poke-your-eye-out" meetings.) But as a means of distracting me from thinking about my baby woes all day, well, it worked pretty darn well.

I've been thinking today about something I read on another blog (belonging to Kathy, another woman I've seen on FF, don't really know, but have begun to read her blog on occasion) -- which, paraphrased, basically said that if I give in to my depression, I'll only feel more depressed.

But what I'm wondering about myself is this: is it possible that I prefer being depressed?

Given the choice of trying to do something productive last night and sitting on the couch and falling asleep, I chose the latter. When it comes to choosing between a healthy meal, and eating something TOTALLY bad for me that I know is going to pack on more pounds to my already-full-figured frame, I pick the calorie-laden option. Essentially, I'm not a model at making the best choices right now. (I seem to identify with a statement I've seen somewhere before, possibly attributed to Bart Simpson, horror of all horrors: "I don't wanna, I don't hafta, you can't make me.") So I suppose it's possible that trying to "change for the better" might not be within my grasp right now.

I have no answers about this... I think it's going to require further pondering.


Blogger Catherine said...

Or maybe it's a third option. Grief has sapped all your energy and resources. You can only do so much with what you have left and you need to take small steps to get back the pieces of the life you left behind. It took you years to build up to the dream, and only moments for it to turn into a nightmare. But something tells me it can't turn back into a dream's gonna take time.

8/04/2005 4:45 PM  
Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

What she said. You can't skip ahead back to 'normalcy' if you're not ready to.

But try to put the brakes on. Try one thing - like eating not necessarily 'healthy,' but not as UNhealthy. It's not a 'change,' it's damage control. Trust me, weight is so easy to put on and takes an eternity to take off. It's a constant reminder of those bad times.

So chow down on popcorn, but skip the butter. And enjoy what little joys come your way.

8/04/2005 6:13 PM  
Blogger Jill said...

I'm with them. It is a frustratingly slow process.

My plan in recent times was to 'behave my way to normal' meaning that whatever was happening in my head, I would at least try to DO the best thing.

The whole thing turned to shit anyway, but it still seems like a reasonable plan.

And I love the Bart Simpson quote!

8/04/2005 9:50 PM  

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