More Than My Share

Really didn't mean to keep you in suspense!

2007-07-19T17:54:00.000-05:00

I just got really tired after treatment yesterday (plus was annoyed b/c I got sick *three times* due to anxiety - UGH!)...

But there's news...

And it's good...

According to my doctor, the scans show that "it's gone"... I have some trouble believing it although I am still happy... I guess it's the doubter in me that says "wait a minute, how can that be?"

Technically, there are still some visible lymph nodes although they have all decreased in size considerably. Many are listed in the report as having "FDG uptake reduced to that of the background," and since FDG is the radioactve stuff they give me that "lights up" wherever there are cancer cells, I am assuming that means there's no more of it present than you'd see on a person without cancer cells in that area.

I think the gist of it is that I wish my doctor had been more descriptive, had possibly showed me the actual images of my scan, or something similar. As it was, it just seemed almost... surreal.

Not that I won't be celebrating once my stomach is back to normal, of course!

What's next -- three more chemos instead of five (thank goodness!) a scan in three months, and then scans every three months for a year. Beyond that, I don't know, but am not worrying that far ahead.

Thanks for all the positive and supportive thoughts throughout this experience. :)

Still here...

2007-07-17T21:21:00.000-05:00

Although as I told Catherine recently, I feel less like a blogger these days and more like someone who posts boring updates. *sigh* Maybe that will change eventually, or maybe it won't.

Tonight though, I will post another update.

Let's see... work is going ok, although I am much more tired than I thought I'd be. Sore, too; probably due to the fibromyalgia more so than anything lymphoma related. I am still not "settled in" to the new job, as most of the people in the department I'll be supporting are away on vacation (gotta love summer!) but I'm optimistic at this point that it'll be a good fit.

It's been a good distraction, too, from the fact that I should get results of my midpoint PET scans tomorrow. To say that I'm a bit nervous tonight would be a huge understatement; the results of this scan will let me know if the chemo is working, so I'm pretty focused on trying not to get my hopes up while at the same time praying that it'll be good news. G seems to think that everything will be ok but I have had that feeling one too many times in the past two years, only to be surprised by the rug being pulled out from underneath me. So needless to say, I am trying not to think about negative stuff but trying not to be too positive. How's that for confusing?

I will post tomorrow as soon as I know anything.

In short...

2007-07-03T12:57:00.001-05:00

We had a good weekend.

We had a long talk about the TTC situation, which was a very good talk, even though there is no possibility of progress right now.

I'm feeling much older than my 37 years right now.

I'm not really cranky anymore, but not all that talkative either.

Treatment is on Thursday this week due to the holiday. Hooray for an extra day!

I start back to work Monday.

That's all for now.

Still cranky.

2007-06-27T12:19:00.000-05:00

Thought it had passed but apparently not. We had a power outage Monday night through last night which I think contributed to it but I've also had some GI issues and have a raging headache today. What a good day to be seeing the counselor (about the anticipatory nausea thing) -- I told him on the phone the other day that while I'd had anxiety and depression issues in the past, now my outlook was pretty good. Nah.

(I would say it was PMS but I haven't had a period since May. Hopefully the "temporary menopause" thing isn't something that goes permanent. At least I am not having hot flashes.)

At least one semi-good thing (I think) has happened - work called and they have a position to bring me back into, with an increase in pay. (They'd better, is my attitude.) Only trouble is the start date... not sure when it will be yet. We're gov't subcontractors and as such are on their timeframe. So hopefully soon, but not immediately, I'll be going back to work.

Oh, and we're going on a little weekend trip this coming Saturday/Sunday. Hopefully my cranky will be out of the way by then.

Thanks again...

2007-06-22T12:31:00.000-05:00

First, thanks for the comments letting me know it's ok to be moody. It's a good thing; Wednesday's treatment sucked (I got sick) and so I was extra moody for a few days. But today is Friday, the day I normally feel horrible and I'm feeling ok.

Also, big thanks to Catherine, Eve and KathyMc for the scarves that arrived via mail! I will need to add them to the fashion show once I get the upload process on our new computer figured out.

Moody

2007-06-15T13:05:00.000-05:00

I've been moody the past few days. I didn't talk about it when it first happened but now I'm moody and don't care, so the story with my job is that when I told them my chemo schedule they came back a few days later and asked me to take a 30-day unpaid medical leave. Told me they would hold my job for me (or some job), and to call in a month to talk about coming back.

That was the day before my first chemo (almost six weeks ago). They are still dangling me. I'm *supposed* to hear from them again by early next week, but am not holding my breath.

(I won't get into the "is that legal, can they do that" debate that I've already gone over several times in my head, with G, and with two online lawyer friends including one who comments here, wink wink. I made a decision not to fight it even though I may have grounds, simply because it's not open and shut.)

Anyway, I am able to collect un.employment so I have been, but being at home and doing nothing most of the time really isn't as nice as it may sound. I'm going stir crazy, and feeling brain dead. It hasn't been fun and it hasn't done much for my mood, which was already starting to wear based on the fact that despite everyone's assessment of my spirit as being so up, you only hear the stuff I feel like posting. I haven't felt as positive lately, which may be from some nausea or may be from missing my hair or may be just because I haven't really reacted to all this shit since being diagnosed. I kept saying "at least we know what we're up against now, it's so much better" but truthfully, it really isn't. It sucks. (I feel better just admitting that.)

So I'll admit that I'm moody and then go back into silence for a few days. Maybe my mood will improve. We'll see.

Dreams

2007-06-13T10:00:00.000-05:00

Last night I had the second dream about little girls that I've had in the past few weeks.

The first was a week or so ago. I was aware only that I was riding in a car, and there was a child on my lap. (Yes, I know it's against the carseat regulations... don't think that was the point of it.) The child was adorable and I was making her laugh with silly songs and raspberries on her ear. I then became aware that her mother was the person driving the car. Then I woke up.

Last night's was longer. I remember traveling alone to a large hotel-type facility and being shown to a room where I was to sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor. It was very late at night and I was tired, so I fell asleep. In the morning, I had to walk down a very long staircase that wound around through all of the other rooms, which were filled with girls of varying ages. The oldest girls slept on the higher floors and as I got towards the bottom I saw the girls get younger and younger until I passed through a room with infants. I don't remember feeling anything odd about this place until it was time to go to breakfast, because when I got to the dining room everyone else there was a family (all of the little girls were with their parents) but I was still dining alone.

I'm not even safe in my sleep sometimes.

Fashion show!

2007-06-11T09:59:00.000-05:00

As promised, and delayed only while I learned to use Flickr, here is a hat fashion show for you guys!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/8814124@N03/sets/72157600339428790/

Shanna, thanks for clarifying who you were; that's who I thought but my brain lately seems to be all "chemobrained" on me. (I can blame it on that even if it's really just me being all 'duh') No worries about the head comment, I really, truly do have a large head and have made fun of it myself for a long while.
---------------------------------------------

UPDATE:
I wish I could adequately describe for you the color red my face got when I saw the package I got today from Catherine. *eep*... It's a pink ballcap that says "S.exy" on it. Twice!! *face reddens*

I'm laughing out loud at that one Catherine and trying to figure out where exactly I will wear it first. :-D

More nice stuff

2007-06-09T22:47:00.000-05:00

A butterfly scarf, two "froggie" flannels and a garden type hat arrived the other day from Shanna (who I'm not sure I know? but thank you!!) Shanna, interesting comment you make about hoping I "don't have a gigantic head" -- ironically my head is on the large side (really! I've measured it) but so far everything seems to be working for me.

I promise I will get my hubby to take some pictures tomorrow!

And a scarf!!

2007-06-07T16:22:00.000-05:00

Kristin sent the most beautiful and silky scarf!!

I am seriously going to have to make a fashion show album for all these lovely stuff. You guys really are terrific. :)

And then there were three...

2007-06-05T10:22:00.000-05:00

A lovely colorwashed cap from Broolyn arrived yesterday, courtesy of Cat and Mini Miao!

I am so tickled you guys. Pics as soon as I can get hubby to take some!

De tels beaux chapeaux!

2007-05-29T14:48:00.000-05:00

That's French (according to Babelfish!) for "Such beautiful hats!" :)

Imagine my surprise when I opened my mailbox today to find a package from Paris containing deus *very* beaux chapeaux, "one in black with bling bling trimmings for those evenings out, and one in casual denim for everyday." (Artblog, I liked your words so much I borrowed them.) ;-)

Apparently this was an organized hatting. :) Thanks so much!!

Back on the upswing

2007-05-28T22:38:00.000-05:00

I'm getting used to these "down for the count" Fridays post treatment, although I still can't say that I like them AT. ALL. They are the most annoying day in the world, and I feel kind of like the walking wounded, going from uncomfortable position to uncomfortable position. I don't get any relief from any of the drugs they give me or any of those that I take OTC such as GasX or Tums. And occasionally the bloated feeling gives way to something else (nausea and its wretched sidekick, vomiting) and I *feel* like a cancer patient.

But luckily those days are limited. I can just look like one; more of my hair is falling out now... but the physical side effects last me only that one day (well, perhaps part of the next). I don't know how I got to be so lucky; even though I don't feel lucky on Fridays I know it could be much, much worse. I hear stories of people who go through chemo and feel horrible most of the time, and so the fact that I have one bad day and two possible "eh" days out of fourteen possible days is really the best outcome I could think for all of this.

(Edited to add: I'm past my Friday for this cycle, Hallelujah! Next treatment is not until 6/6.)

I wonder if it's going to change, of course. I've read some Hodgkin's patients' stories that say that around the middle of treatment things got really bad in terms of fatigue (or pain or nausea or what have you) but I am holding out hope that things will remain status quo and I will make it through my "one day", one cycle at a time.

I'm a quarter of the way done, BTW. After the next one I'll be a third of the way done, and after that one I will need to figure out the complex fraction (haha - math not being my strong suit). We are planning a short weekend trip right before Independence Day. I am thinking ahead towards doing the "Light the Night" walk for lymphoma research, held in October. Once treatment is over. Over. Wow. Can I really think like that??

Our next big milestone, aside from the various fractions counted down with each chemo, is my next big scan. Friday, July 13.

I'm hoping it'll be my lucky day.

Seen on the back of a minivan...

2007-05-23T19:52:00.000-05:00

"Having kids is like being pecked to death by ducks."

Oh yeah?? GIVE THEM BACK THEN and let those of us who want them give it a try!!

Grrrrrr.

Hair today, gone tomorrow

2007-05-15T18:32:00.000-05:00

It's gone!
And I'm ok! I didn't cry once!

My wig, which previously looked odd due to my hair being all lumpy under the wig liner, looks natural! (Picture at left is the wig!)

And my head does not look funny with next-to-no hair!

Pictures to follow when I get them uploaded.

Updated - with pictures! If you disagree about my head, don't tell me. LOL.

The one I've been waiting for...

2007-05-13T11:43:00.000-05:00

The one side effect, that is.

My hair is falling out.

In clumps in the shower.

Large amounts in my comb.

It's time to shave it off -- my stylist is getting a call as soon as the shop opens. I can't do this this way.

I probably won't go today, since we're going to Mother's Day dinner at my in-laws. But as soon as possible.

re:OPK's - for Msfizita...

2007-05-12T17:20:00.000-05:00

Can you email me at the blog address shown on my profile?

Second verse, not quite the same as the first

2007-05-10T13:55:00.000-05:00

It's only Thursday but it's been a long week.

I'd been feeling pretty good over the weekend and was thinking that this week wouldn't be too rough. I was mistaken.

Tuesday I had a portacath put into my upper chest (near my collarbone) which is where they'll give the chemo from now on. It's easier than trying to find a vein (and failing multiple times, causing lots of sticks - ouch.) That was an outpatient procedure - I had twilight sleep and felt fine afterwards. However, I found out from G. that the doctor tried to insert it on the right side (the normal side) and couldn't get it into the vein!! So he had to stop trying over there and re-attempt on the left side. Which obviously worked, but made me more tender on both sides. I used an icepack Tuesday night and took the V.icodin they gave me - no sense suffering!!

Yesterday I had chemo #2. I had some nausea after I got home which I think was because they didn't give me Ativan in my IV before starting the drugs this time, which they did the first time. I will ask about that for next time. Luckily the nausea was fairly short lived, although I didn't have much of an appetite as a result. I did make a point of eating though -- I had to get a Procrit shot since my hemoglobin and hematocrit were low, and I have to make sure I increase my protein intake to something like 50g per day. So I'm going with the small meals frequently approach.

Hopefully I will have either the same side effects or less this time around. Will update more later in the week.

OPK's anyone?

2007-05-05T15:32:00.000-05:00

A while back, K. was kind enough to make available a ginormous pack of OPKs (the internet kind, 24 to be precise) to a random commenter since she no longer needed them. I happened to be that person.

They don't expire till March 2008, but I will likely not have a need to use them before then. So I'm going to use the pay it forward concept and make them available to anyone who can use them. Comment by Wednesday and I'll pick someone at random if there's more than one interested party.
------------------------------------------
Update: since my reading audience isn't entirely in the OPK frame of mind, I will also be ok with leaving a comment if you know of someone who might need them - i.e., if you can pass them along to someone.

Holding back the years

2007-05-03T13:10:00.000-05:00

I turned 37 yesterday.

It was an ok birthday. I relaxed all day -- haven't mentioned to the blog community but I am "on holiday" of sorts for a month. It's a long story and I don't feel like blogging about it but nevertheless I am at home. Watched "Clueless". Made myself a rum drink and sat outside enjoying the blue skies. G took me to dinner at a nice seafood restaurant and then we came home and watched L.ost. Not a bad birthday day, really.

It's the age thing that bothers me. Of course.

I've read a mixed bag of recommendations. One states that you should wait to try to get pregnant after chemo until you've had three normal periods in three consecutive months. Another states "most doctors will advise women that it is best to wait for 2 years after chemotherapy treatment before becoming pregnant." Because of the possibility of relapse, mainly. This same site also states that temporary infertility (lack of periods) caused by chemo can take 6 months to a year after chemotherapy is finished to resolve. A final paper I found on the fertilehope website claims thatall chemotherapy patients need to wait at least six months after treatment due to the potential for damaged eggs due to the toxicity of the chemo drugs.

I'm in calendar hell again. It's more than just me, too; there has to be some reason why G and I could get pregnant in '04 and '05 and then couldn't in '06. Is the biological clock factor causing both of us issues? Will a delay of at least a year seal our fertility fate?

We talked a very little bit about this at dinner last night. I spoke about how nice it would be if we could still do IVF, given the insurance coverage we have for that versus the cost of adoption which we probably can't afford. G said "well how much does it cost?" I admitted I didn't know, and that I was basing it on the cost that multiple IVF's would cost us without the insurance. Not the best scientific method but it's all I had. G then said "it would be nicer if we didn't need to do anything."

We changed the subject after that.

I'm not trying to make adoption out to be something bad or something we don't want to do. It may turn out that we could afford it after all. Or maybe the IVF would work. Or some medical miracle could happen and we could get pregnant all on our own again (throws back head and laughs manically)... yeah, I know. Wishful thinking.

I just hate these reminders that come via dates on a calendar.

Ok, so it kicked back...

2007-04-28T11:54:00.000-05:00

After all of my excitement over how well I was handling my first treatment, it turns out that I just wasn't waiting long enough.

Friday was pretty horrible. I had aches all over which could have been from the Neulasta shot I got on Thursday (said to cause bone pain) or could have been from the dacarbazine, which includes flulike symptoms among its side effects. I also felt like I had a huge bubble in my stomach all day, and no matter what I ate or how I stretched out, nothing took it away. It was pretty miserable.

Oh... and my hair hurts. My scalp is extremely tender, which I understand from Googling is part of the hair loss process. I haven't lost any yet, but the tenderness is making me very aware that it's coming. I decided not to blow-dry my hair at all today because I don't want to speed the process along.

Fatigue was my last but most present symptom. I went out briefly to get my driver's license picture taken -- with my own hair -- and found it to be an effort to lift my purse onto my shoulder and walk for more than short distances without resting.

Thankfully, I'm feeling better today. I just have to remind myself that this is serious business and that I should enjoy these good moments while I have them.

Chemo Adventures, Part 1

2007-04-26T16:30:00.000-05:00

One down, eleven to go. I'm going to call this one "kicked in the butt" since I'm really feeling pretty good overall, a little tiredness today but then again I *was* out at the mall. :) In addition to taking my anti nausea meds I am making sure to eat small regular meals all day to avoid feeling sick.

The morning we went I was pretty calm, surprisingly. I sat around a lot when we first got there, partially to get "training" (basically explaining everything and all the possible side effects). Then I got an IV -- they had to stick me twice unfortunately as one vein "rolled" -- and waited while they sent blood off for testing. That will happen every time so they make sure my blood counts are ok to do the chemo. I was able to eat lunch while waiting and bring entertainment (they have DVD players to borrow if I want!)

After some delays they finally got the chemo upstairs. I took anti nausea drugs first and something for anxiety (woohoo!) Three of my four drugs are "pushes" meaning they come in a big syringe and the nurse slowly pushes it into the IV. A couple of them stung a little but it wasn't bad. The first two were done then I got one hung on a drip. That one took 30 minutes. Then I got another small push and was done.

I am getting a port installed in my chest (under the skin) prior to the next session - it will alleviate stinging in the veins and the problems with multiple sticks. I meet with the surgeon on Monday and then they'll do the procedure the day before my next treatment (May 8)

I'm feeling very optimistic. I know there's still the potential for fatigue or other problems but I'm taking it one step at a time.

Hoping it's a trend that I kick more of them than they do of me!

Surprises I actually like!

2007-04-20T18:19:00.000-05:00

When I got the mail today, I stared at the padded envelope in my hand and thought "I didn't order anything..."

But look!
A package courtesy of Catherine with the sweetest show of support... a strength necklace.

This, for the person who cried on the way home from learning her diagnosis while listening to Christina A.guilera sing "Fighter" on the radio... "I am a fighter... I ain't gonna stop..." Ah well. I'll get there. I know there will be many many tears between now and the point in the future when I finish treatment and (hopefully) get clear scans, and this will be one more thing that will help me get through it.

It's perfect Catherine. Many many hugs and thanks.

And of course, we need one of me wearing it, with my new short do:

It worked!

2007-04-19T15:01:00.000-05:00

All the positive thoughts helped - my heart is fine and I'm cleared to do whatever treatment the oncologist wants to do.

My first chemo appointment is Wednesday at 10:30.

I am not sure I know how to handle the feeling of the other shoe not dropping, but believe me, I'll take it.

What happens while you're making other plans...

2007-04-19T06:35:00.000-05:00

Life has gone on, though not as usual.

I had my tests and scans Friday through Tuesday. I laughed when they turned on the radio during my PET scan (out of courtesy since it was a half hour) and it was playing"Walking on Sunshine."

During my bone marrow biopsy, the material kept falling off the needle before the PA could retract it. We never got any but had to stop because the pain was getting harder to deal with.

I developed a fever yesterday morning after feeling pretty good from my cold for the past few days. We went into the office on the on-call nurse's advice. My doctor's nurse was like "why did you come in?." But I'm glad I did, as they did a chest x-ray to make sure I didn't have pneumonia (I don't) and prescribed me some antibiotics for bronchitis.

Oh, and then the PA told me my PET scan results were back.

We waited with tension in our throats as she went to print them off.

The oncologist came back in with them. While they can't say for sure until the bone marrow aspirate sample is back, at this point I am stage III nodular sclerosing Hodgkin's. I have enlarged lymph nodes in my neck, chest and abdomen, though thankfully not any of my organs, or my pelvis. Praying that the bone marrow will be clear so I don't jump to stage IV. Now, even with the higher stages Hodgkin's is still thought to be very treatable, but there are some prognostic indicators that go down somewhat with the higher stages. I'm not thinking about those right now.

Also, I found out that I will be seeing a cardiologist (today) because something didn't look the way they wanted it to on my MUGA (heart) scan. If there is any question about my heart function I will not be doing the standard chemo regimen (called ABVD) but rather an older one called MOPP. Which has a greater incidence of side effects and possible infertility.

I will update later if I know anything but if you read this this morning and can send a thought or prayer my way, I would appreciate it.

Wasting no time

2007-04-12T19:40:00.000-05:00

My appointment with the oncologist was yesterday.

According to my ENT it was, anyway. According to the oncologist's secretary, they had no record of me whatsoever. *sigh*

Luckily (even though I cried and G raised his voice a little and they told us not to make a scene even though they were telling me I'd have to come back in a week) the doctor made time to see me.

The doctor seems nice, and has already told me the shell of the plan, details to arrive very soon. They scheduled me for four tests -- a MUGA scan to check to make sure my heart can handle the chemo on Friday, a PET scan on Monday evening, and bone marrow biopsy and pulmonary function tests on Tuesday. Treatments will start shortly therafter -- all chemo, no radiation unless there's something big on the PET scan. Chemo will be every other week for about six months.

When I asked about fertility, he said that there's usually no problems with it. But when I told him we were already seeing an RE (to which he answered "I know") he said that it would have to go on hold, and seemed to offer no discussion. That's a big, scary decision to have to have made for me... even though it was looking like IVF was my only shot at having a biological child anyway, it doesn't help to be thinking that I need to do something life-saving that may take that option away from me for good. I don't know what to think. The few things I've looked up on my particular chemo regimen (ABVD, which is the first letter of each of the four drugs I'll be given) says that fertility is usually preserved. But does the fact that mine was declining somewhat to begin with have any bearing? Should I even be worrying about this now?

I'm sure there's a lot more I'm going to be worrying about in the near future, so maybe I should be trying to worry less overall. (Ha, good luck.)

Vegas wouldn't take these odds.

2007-04-03T16:34:00.000-05:00

It's Hodgkin's lymphoma.

According to the National Cancer Institute, Hodgkin's disease occurs most often in people between 15 and 34 and in people over the age of 55. It is more common in men than in women. And yet this 36.5 year old female has it.

I found out in the frozen food aisle at our local supermarket. When I answered my cell phone and heard the male voice of Dr. F, I knew.

Actually, I knew all this time. It was as if my body was trying to tell me something. I can remember looking at myself months ago, before the itching really got so bad, and thinking "there's something wrong with my body." At the time, I thought it was just fertility related, but as things started to make themselves clearer, and this diagnosis became a possibility, my mind just adjusted to it and said "that's it, then."

Did I mention that I start my new job tomorrow?

I am not sure whether I will continue this blog, or start a new one. There's a lot of personal history in this blog that I've kept anonymous, which is now a lot easier to tie to me and G with this diagnosis. Although there's a lot to talk about regarding infertility and cancer and what I'll do about it, so maybe a new blog is the thing. At this point, I'm not ready to make that decision.

I thank you all for your thoughts and prayers thus far, and hope you'll keep 'em coming. I think I'm gonna need them.

Surgery's done...

2007-03-28T20:06:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to let you guys know that the surgery went well and aside from some numbness behind my ear, some stiffness in my shoulder and some mild pain in the area where they took the node, I'm doing quite well.

I won't know anything about the pathology for a while, unfortunately. They said that due to sending it out for cytology it will take longer, possibly a week. However, I'd rather they be right than fast. So I'm taking it day by day.

Many thanks to all who have been thinking about me including my new readers! I hope to have more to say, soon.

Wow, who'da thunk my tone could be *optimistic*???

Randomness and waiting

2007-03-20T13:02:00.000-05:00

Some of you asked how the shower went, and it went ok. I survived, even though I didn't stay for the whole thing. And I love that the mom-to-be had "adult only" punch, too. (Had it there for others, not her. She wasn't drinking. I realized that looked very odd. It's still not coming out right, but I'm feeling a bit under the weather and am not sure I'm making sense. Umm, yeah.) And I bought a whole ocean-themed gift and only felt overwhelmed in B.abiesR.Us once.
---
I have been having periods off and on where I am extremely fatigued. I thought it could be my fibromyalgia flaring up, or due to stress, or depression, or medication. So I stopped taking the antihistamines at night to see what happened. End result, I felt more awake during the day but felt horrible (and kept waking up itchy) at night. So I'm back on the antihistamines and am feeling today like a truck plowed into me.
---
I remember when I used to think the two-week wait was long. The three-week wait till the biopsy is 2/3s done and I still feel like I'm climbing the walls. Not to minimize the two week wait for anyone who's going through it, because I do know how agonizing it is.
---
G's second SA came back as lousy as the first one. Terrible motility pre-wash, ok post... but absolutely horrible morphology. How the heck did we get pregnant twice? I know they weren't successful pregnancies, but I'd think that should be attributed to me because isn't it next to impossible for abnormal, swim-in-a-circle sperm to find an egg, anyway?? So depending on what happens with me we may be headed for ICSI. Or adoption. Or something. I can't even think much past the biopsy anymore as it makes me feel kind of sick.
---
Oh, last random note: I am leaving my temp job at the end of March and taking a regular full-time position that's five minutes away from my house. I had to weigh the pros and cons on this one pretty heavily and despite the uncertainty of my future, I felt that the commute would outweigh anything else right now. Even the fact that it's a reception desk position and so there's not a lot of flexibility for things like, oh, say, early am fertility clinic appointments. I have a feeling I still made the right choice though.

It still hurts.

2007-03-09T12:31:00.001-05:00

Even after all this time of not being in baby-making mode, it still hurts on occasion.

I'm going to a baby shower this weekend. For all of you reading who might say "why put yourself through that?", a) she's a very dear friend, and b) she went through infertility (without treatment for reasons I won't go into here) for six years before finally getting pregnant. She's been pretty understanding of all I've been going through and I feel like I can handle it.

At least I think so.

I just logged onto her baby registry to see what I might be able to get her.

She's got fish things on her registry.

There's an ocean creatures crib set and bouncy seat sitting in my closet at home that I bought because they were on sale and I couldn't resist them since I'm such an ocean lover.

I'm sure it's what I'll buy; after all, it's what I would have bought for someone if none of the past two years and all the heartache had ever happened.

I just wish it wasn't going to be so hard to watch her open it.

Update

2007-03-05T15:33:00.001-05:00

Appointment this morning was brief; he does want to do an excisional biopsy. It's scheduled for 3/27 as he only does surgeries on Tuesdays and the next two weeks have really big case loads. But what's three more weeks at this point, right?

*sigh*

The one bit of information I did manage to glean from him is that there is in fact a cluster of swollen nodes in there, and the largest of them is one that I can't even feel since it's behind my collarbone. They will not be removing that one as it's structurally difficult to get to; they'll likely be taking out the one I found on my own. I've decided to call it my very own little sentry.

Gonna change my middle name...

2007-02-28T18:21:00.001-05:00

...to "inconclusive."

Yet another scan result (the neck CT of my swollen lymph nodes) has come back as inconclusive; either the doctors are truly unable to tell if they are swollen from inflammation vs. a tumor, or they're blowing smoke until my appointment when I get the real news. Hmm.

Fortunately, I don't have to wait too much longer for an appointment; they've added me on to next Monday's schedule at 8:30 am. G is coming with me, in case there is some sort of bad/negative news.

At this point, I don't think I'll care what the news is just so long as I have an answer.

Oh, BTW -- I was right in my last post about being summarily switched to the New Blogger, so hopefully this won't cause anyone any problems with posting comments. I think you all switched before I did, anyway, so hopefully it won't.

My jumbled thoughts

2007-02-20T21:38:00.000-05:00

First of all, this may be where the rubber meets the road, at least as far as my New Blogger resistance is concerned. I think I've reached the end of that rope, and if I want to continue using my personalized Google homepage and Blogger, I'm going to have to make them co-exist. Even though I'm petrified about doing it since my Google stuff is in my real name. Ugh.
----------------
I find it amusing that two of you liked my reference to "Infertility World," even though that wasn't what I typed. I find it more amusing that I *didn't* type it since that's clearly what I meant. *head smack*
----------------
On to the medical stuff. I'm done with my antibiotics. Had my neck CT this morning. Liver doctor called to discuss next steps on Thursday, but called the home phone instead of the cell and despite my leaving two messages with the cell number, I haven't heard back from him yet. I'm still trying to decide whether or not to cancel my next RE appointment.

Oh yeah, that. I need to elaborate a bit. First off, the liver doctor. First of all, my CT/MRI scans were "inconclusive" for whatever the "spots" were near my bile duct. (He did call them spots, although I think he was being rather cautious so as not to worry me. Ha, nice try.) I explained the swollen lymph node to him and the things we were doing there, and he said he wanted to be kept in that loop, since it would be much easier to biopsy the node in my neck than anything in my abdomen, should that be where we're going.

And then he said that he can't recommend that I start any type of fertility treatments until we know what we're dealing with. That even if I don't have lymphoma and all the spots end up being is benign tumors, even those could grow as a result of being on the hormones, and could cause problems if I've already got some liver damage, which we don't know yet.

I know he's right. Everyone's right. "Take care of your health first, it's more important." "You wouldn't want to be pregnant and find out you had a serious illness that you couldn't treat without hurting the baby, would you?" And my favorite: "You're still young."

Ah, the naive have it so easy.
----------------
I was thinking the other day that maybe all of these things that are happening to me are the result of not forwarding on every sickening sweet, sappy or "miraculous" forwarded spam of an email I've ever received, despite being told I had hours to do so.

Yeah, that's it. I apparently don't love Jesus enough, or want to see Jimmy get 4000 emails, or believe that a dancing leprechaun will appear on my monitor, or think about my friends enough to forward them on the same email that they've probably received 20 times this year alone.

Totally it.

Lady-in-waiting

2007-02-06T14:05:00.000-05:00

My appointment with the ENT was brief, and the outcome is that my lymph node(s) (we're still not sure if it's one or more at this point) are not big enough to do a needle biopsy, and have not been around long enough to justify a complete removal, yet. The ENT wants to try 10 days of antibiotics, followed by a CT scan to see what's going on, and then make a decision on a biopsy if needed.

So I'm waiting. Again.

I was thinking a lot about how much we in the fertility world wait. There's the two week wait, obviously, followed by a wait for a first appointment if you get a positive, or a wait for the next cycle/treatment/test if you're not so lucky. There's the wait some women go through if they are unsure they're miscarrying, and the wait after a miscarriage to begin trying. I've added on the wait after surgery; the wait post-surgery until it's been "long enough" to warrant a trip back to the doctor since we're not getting pregnant, and now, the wait for a diagnosis on my itching/lymph node/liver issues.

To quote from one of my favorite movies, The Princess Bride, I hate waiting.

In a break from my endless search for answers to my health issues online, I decided to Google the phrase "waiting for diagnosis". As expected, much of what came back deals with waiting for a serious diagnosis and the effects such waiting has on the person waiting. One of the most interesting articles I found was written by a person who'd gone through some form of cancer. It's of particular interest to me since this person also had a lump on their neck, granted, but it also describes the way that waiting for a diagnosis differs from other types of waiting. S/he writes "What is it like to wait when the expected outcome is uncertain?" And this is what ties my current health issues in with my infertility - all I have at this point in both instances is a bunch of uncertainty:

I don't know whether my liver issues will prevent continuing with fertility treatment;
I don't know whether the lump on my neck could be a sign of lymphoma, the treatment for which could speed up ovarian failure;
I don't know whether I'll ever find a cause for my itching; and
I don't know whether all of this is really nothing, a wild goose chase that's serving to make me worried and depressed for no reason.

In short, all of my uncertainty keeps me in a constant state of worry. I know I need to remain calm about it, to allow things to come at their own pace, to deal with the news, good or bad, as it arrives. Ultimately, I may have to deal with things that I don't like. I may have to put off trying to get pregnant indefinitely. I may have to endure other health treatments that may be invasive or difficult. I may have to change my focus. But I have this need to try to prepare myself in advance. This is why I research and Google and arm myself with info; G doesn't understand it, and I think I've p.o'd more than one of my doctors in the past. But it's who I am and it's how I deal with waiting.

I sometimes think that knowing anything, good or bad, would be better than this.

Briefly...

2007-02-02T10:23:00.000-05:00

I had a longer post written but Blogger was being difficult yesterday and I couldn't post it. It's probably better that I don't as it's filled with sarcasm, bitterness, and negative speculation.

The basic jist: I have "at least" two swollen lymph nodes (I now feel at least three, personally) and am being sent for an ultrasound and an ENT consult. ENT is Monday at 8 am, u/s is Wednesday at 7 am. It's likely that I will have one or more of the nodes removed for biopsy, but will have to find out definitively from the ENT.

PCP essentially said "no way" when I asked to be cleared for injectibles, due to the liver issues -- it'll be up to my liver doc (appt Wednesday at 9 am) to say yea or nay on that one.

Whether it will matter is yet to be determined.

Being a squeaky wheel sometimes actually helps...

2007-01-31T12:59:00.000-05:00

I called my PCP's office today to ask if they could please, pretty please with sugar on top, prescribe me something to allow me to sleep without itching. (I may not have been that sweet; actually I was probably a cross between honey and vinegar, honestly. I'm that miserable.)

When the nurse called me back, she started asking a bunch of questions that led me to believe that NOTHING was documented in my chart. I stayed calm, believe it or not, and ran through the whole saga with her. Itching since July. Bloodwork and consult with dermatologist in the fall. Trials of three different antihistamines and steroid cream with no relief. Liver consult, ultrasound, fatty liver, CT scan, MRI. Two small lumps on right side of my neck.

Two things I'd have thought would have been asked previously but weren't were finally asked today:

"On a scale of one to ten, with ten being the worst, how bad is the itching?" Umm, a five most of the time, ten when it's really bad.
"Where exactly are the lumps located?" Back side of my neck, about two finger widths above my shoulder.

I have an appointment at 2:20 this afternoon.

Hurrah for someone who finally listened.

What's better, any answers or specific ones?

2007-01-30T07:13:00.000-05:00

At least one part of my worry of yesterday may not be a big deal. Liver doctor's nurse was calling to tell me they wanted to schedule an MRI of my abdomen, because my CT scan showed something near my bile duct/portal vein that was either cysts or hamartomas (benign tumors), neither of which are apparently any big deal from my consultation with Dr. Google.

The good news about this is that it is not likely the cause of my itching.

The bad news about this is that it is not likely the cause of my itching. (!!!)

Gah! I want some results on that, and pronto. I've been sleeping horribly, kicking G out of bed on occasion (he's a light sleeper) and am generally miserable a good portion of the time.

The neck lumps, of course, are my next big worry, but I'll save that for another day. Get through one crisis (or non-crisis, as the case with my liver appears to be) at a time, right?

Will I make it to question two?

2007-01-28T22:35:00.000-05:00

Liver doctor's office called. The nurse left a message Friday saying they want me to call them. No other details.

I hope it's just something stupid. I had a minor reaction to the IV contrast during the CT scan, so perhaps they're calling to check up on that.

Fingers crossed.

Another thing I haven't shared here or with some of my other friends is that within the past two weeks, I noticed a lump on the back right side of my neck. Well, I should say two lumps, as it now kind of feels like two distinct nodules of some sort rather than just one. I can't get an appointment with my PCP's office until February 27 because - surprise, surprise - the doctor that I see is leaving the practice. Apparently lumps on your neck combined with itching qualifies me for one of the "emergency" appointments; thank goodness, as the regular appointments aren't until June.

(Thank goodness? What am I saying???)

I'm trying not to think the worst. It's tough though. I remember saying in an entry recently that I hoped that whatever I was dealing with wasn't going to get in the way of trying to have a baby.

I'm now just hoping that I'm being paranoid about everything.

Question one

2007-01-21T22:40:00.000-05:00

So, I got the report from the baseline ultrasound in the mail today. My 6-8 follicles were actually 2-3 on my left ovary, and 4-5 on my right. The left ovary is the one that's hiding behind my uterus, and it's slightly smaller than the right one. I assume the ovary size and the hiding bit corresponds with the smaller amount of follicles, as well? I've seen articles that say that as women go into menopause their ovaries shrink and fall behind the uterus, so I'm hoping that's not an indicator of anything.

Ok, so onto my real first question (the one in the paragraph above doesn't count): Will the FSH (theoretically) help me to produce more follicles, or better follicles? If I'm not a poor responder that is.

A man, a plan, a canal - Panama.

2007-01-17T21:09:00.000-05:00

(Don't ask, I just love palindromes.)

So today was the RE visit. As G and I were sitting in the waiting room, my cell phone rang -- it was the nurse from the RE's office, calling about my bloodwork. "I'm in the waiting room," I said, "and will be seeing Dr. W in ten minutes."

"Oh, never mind then, he can talk to you about this." Talk to me about what??

Ends up it was (probably) nothing - my prolactin was slightly elevated, probably because I forgot and drank coffee that morning. Turns out though that I have a shy ovary -- my left one apparently likes to hide behind my uterus. The consequence of that being that while I know now that I had 6-8 antral follicles on my cd3 scan, I don't know if that's for one ovary, or both. At first, Dr. W said that the u/s might not matter since my FSH was 6.1. But then he read back through my notes and saw that it had been as high as 11.9 in the past, and got a semi-worrisome look on his face.

He only looked slightly worried while reading G's SA results, but didn't seem as bothered about that -- his plan is to have G do a repeat SA -- at the office this time, no rushing through traffic to make it to the lab in under an hour since there is a chance that could have contributed to the motility issue.

Then I told him about the liver/skin issues. He told me that, given my u/s and FSH, his next step is to try injectibles (Follistim or Menopur, possibly) -- but I will need to get that cleared with my PCP and my liver doctor. I don't know if there could be any danger to me from those, but I'll admit I am slightly worried about my liver/skin issues pushing back our ability to move forward with treatment. I guess I should be more worried about having a serious illness than about whether we'll be able to keep trying to get pregnant, but I never said my priorities were completely worked out.

Oh yeah, one more thing -- I get one try with the injectibles. If it doesn't work, we move on to IVF I assume -- with motility issues there's no need to consider IUI, and with poor response to FSH there's no point in continuing with the injectibles.

I just said on someone else's blog that I wish I had bookmarked all those blogs that deal with these things I never knew I'd need to know...

I have so many questions.

2007: year of the caduceus?

2007-01-10T13:20:00.000-05:00

Is it too soon to be tired of doctors for 2007?

Probably, considering that I have five medical-related appointments/checks in the next six weeks -- luckily, they're spaced out fairly well. (I'm betting that by the end of the year, I will wish that we'd had the foresight to create a flexible spending account for medical expenses, though.)

I had my liver consult on Monday, and I like the approach the doctor suggested: he drew some more labs to re-check the antimitochondrial antibody test with a slightly more sensitive assay; he ordered a CT scan of my liver, scheduled for 1/22, which apparently gives a clearer picture than an ultrasound; and we're meeting again in a month to see how the results look. I'm also supposed to try to lose some weight, since that could be contributing to my fatty liver and elevating my alkaline phosphatase. If that doesn't lower the levels by April, he will schedule a liver biopsy. He can't do anything about the itching just yet, as he can't treat me as though I have PBC until he confirms it or rules it out. I have another appointment with my dermatologist mid-February, though, so perhaps they can figure out something else that will help.

Back to fertility or lack thereof -- in preparation for my RE visit on 1/17, tomorrow I get to go for cd3 bloodwork and my very first baseline ultrasound. I am trying not to think about it too much because my past borderline FSH level a year ago makes me slightly nervous.

Stopping myself from thinking more about it right. now.

Whatever I had to say...

2007-01-08T13:41:00.000-05:00

...seems inconsequential when compared to what Jill has on her plate right now. Please give her some support or at least a prayer.

A new year, finally

2007-01-01T18:41:00.000-05:00

Happy 2007 to anyone reading out there. I said a little prayer at midnight that things would improve for us, but am not as hopeful as I'd like to be. Time will tell.

Kathy McC tagged me for "Six Weird Things About Me"... part of me thinks that anyone who's read here at all for the past year or so knows far more than six weird things about me. :) But here goes:

1) I do not like the feeling of things between my toes. (I've never worn a pair of traditional flip-flops for more than a few seconds in a store.)

2) I have a weird gag reflex that is triggered by pasta without enough sauce (or sometimes just reheated mac and cheese, pasta alfredo, etc.) and egg whites. Sometimes scrambled eggs, but that's usually only if I don't put enough salt on them. When it happens I cannot finish what I'm eating even if it's the first bite that caused it.

3) I sleep with a very well-worn G.und bear that I've had since I was twelve.

4) Kathy said she was afraid of driving... I used to be afraid to call people on the phone. Even when I started this temp job and I had to call references, a small amount of terror spread through my chest. I got over it, obviously, but even with time I've still found it to be difficult.

5) I am a compulsive skin picker. Hangnails, fingernails, scabs, blemishes etc., I just can't seem to resist. It's embarrassing and I'm trying harder not to do so, but the itchiness isn't making it easier.

6) I am slightly freaked out about admitting my weird things to the blogisphere because I am an "approval seeker" and want to be liked. :) Therefore, and because just about everyone who knows me well enough to be tagged has already done this, I will just say farewell to 2006 (thank goodness).

More delays

2006-12-27T14:53:00.000-05:00

Got a call this morning from the PA in my PCP's office. I am being sent to a liver specialist although the things found in my ultrasound -- a hemangioma and fatty liver -- are "probably nothing to worry about." Hmm, right. My luck's not so great, so I will wait to see what the specialist says; fortunately, I won't have to wait long, as my appointment is January 8th.

Also glad I never canceled the RE appointment... that's scheduled for 1/17. Am I even going to know whether it's problematic to consider getting pregnant at that point? Likely no; but perhaps he can refer us to a urologist to check on G.

Oh, yeah... and am thinking that I may need to go back on antidepressants. I am having trouble wanting to do anything at work and this isn't even a remotely stressful job. I'm also pretty down about the chances we'll ever have a baby at this rate. Holiday cards chock full of pictures of "families of five" certainly didn't help -- and there were LOTS of those this year. I'm sad, I'm lethargic, I want to do nothing but lie on the couch... probably not a good sign in terms of my ability to handle all the emotional stuff that's likely to come in the months ahead.

Recognizing it is good... fighting it is harder.

Random holiday thoughts

2006-12-23T14:15:00.000-05:00

First, not a holiday thought, but just a quick gripe about my primary care physician: I called Wednesday to see if the results of my liver bloodwork/ultrasound were in, and was told Dr. S. was out of the office until Friday. On Thursday, her P.A. called me TWICE (once at home, once on my cell) to make sure that when I saw my dermatologist on Friday that I got the bloodwork they ordered faxed over to Dr. S's office so she could review it all before calling me.

She never called. I called once just to make sure they got the fax, then called again to see when the office was closing. Got a final call at 5:30 saying that "the doctor was still seeing patients in the hospital and had not reviewed the labs yet" -- and they couldn't interpret them, of course. The office won't be open again till Dec. 27. I have SO much faith in the healthcare system, I swear!
----
Speaking of faith... I was having a conversation with someone and told them that I was having kind of a faith crisis lately, what with everything going on with me/us. But then the next day I heard a spiritual Christmas song on the radio and tears welled up in my eyes. My immediate first thought was "please God, don't let anything really bad be wrong with me." Then I got mad at myself; "self, it doesn't work that way -- you can't ask for favors when you're on the outs." I know that may not be true in the eyes of faithful believers, but I don't think I've done much to show that I am all that thankful for what we DO have. My own issues to work out, I guess, but it really sets up an internal argument within my head.
----
Yet another reason to add to Catherine's and msfizita's reasons to dislike Christmas cards: I have become the person that finds out through a picture in a Christmas card that one of my former best friends from college has a third child. I knew some people were avoiding talk of pregnancy around me, but I didn't think "oh hey, BTW, we have another kid" was skippable. Who knew!
----
Speaking of Catherine, I've been going back and forth on her "fake-it-until-you-make-it" notion of Christmas. For some reason today, I've had the energy to put out holiday things I'd left packed in boxes thus far; prior to this I figured I was happy just having our trees up and decorated. Must be the pine smell getting to me.

My Christmas wish...

2006-12-21T13:26:00.000-05:00

...is so not going how I imagined it.

I really, REALLY wanted to get no more bad news this year. I figured I'd had enough for one year and really, couldn't it be spread a little more evenly, say among a few decades or so??

In my first bit of confusing news, my progesterone from this month was apparently perfectly fine, because now we're NOT doing Clomid. Nope, proceed directly to the RE's office, do not pass go, do not collect $200.

Why?

Apparently, G's SA results were worse than the nurse implied with her "low motility, good count" message. 3% motility, and only 15% normal morphology. Doesn't much matter if we had 76 million swimmers in there if almost none of them are moving and hardly any of them are in good enough shape to do the job.

It still is possible, I suppose, that there was some fluke in the test and another months' test would be better. I know there's probably some things we can do (supplements, etc.) that could improve things. And there still may be underlying causes in my workup that could be problematic as well, including whatever it is that's going on with my GI system. But for now, I just wish I could wave something magical and make it all go away.

I wish.

Quick update

2006-12-18T09:29:00.000-05:00

I have a RUQ abdominal ultrasound scheduled tomorrow at 7 am. I got a long list of bloodwork done this morning -- the diagnostic marker for PBC as well as a bunch of other liver-related tests. It feels kind of weird to be doing all this testing for something other than trying to conceive -- I've become a creature of habit, I suppose.

In addition to the itching, now I have developed some minor pain in the right upper abdomen, mostly when I take a deep breath. Even though it may sound weird to say this, the pain could be better news in that it *could* just be a gallstone or something easily correctable, but at this point I'm just going to wait and see.

Taking things one step at a time isn't my strong suit, but I'm doing my best.

About my last post...

2006-12-15T14:54:00.000-05:00

Thanks to those who asked about whether I needed to get a second opinion; fact is, I am getting a litany of bloodwork and other tests done, as this is looking to be something other than just the typical dry skin/eczema issue.

I mentioned a few posts ago that my liver function tests were slightly abnormal; well on repeat they are still elevated and I now get to have a liver ultrasound done, along with some other diagnostic tests. There is a chance that I have something called primary biliary cirrhosis (PBC for short), which despite the last word in its name does not actually mean you have cirrhosis, but that you could develop it at some point. It is an autoimmune disorder, meaning that your own cells "turn against you." There is a very real possibility that if I have this, it is affecting my ability to get pregnant in addition to whatever else it may be doing to my body. It could mean that eventually I will need to have a liver transplant.

There is a fairly reliable marker test for this disorder, which is to test for the presence of anti-mitochondrial antibodies. 95% of people with PBC have positive AMA's, so I requested that test be added onto the others my PCP and the dermatologist have already ordered. I'm waiting for prescriptions to arrive for these blood tests and the liver ultrasound, so there's nothing further I know at this point.

I'm scared about this possible diagnosis; it's kind of overtaken fertility issues in my mind and G's at this point. We still have our appointment with the OB/GYN on 12/20 but at this point I am not sure whether I'll know anything about this diagnosis or whether we should proceed with the Clomid, at all.

So there you have it. G and I were talking and he said "why did we need another thing to worry about, really?" We both wondered about the people in life who never have anything go wrong, or so it seems, and how some people just seem to have bad luck follow them around.

I wish I were one of the former, not the latter.

Someone please, just shoot me...

2006-12-12T12:52:00.000-05:00

Auugh!! This itchiness is unbearable. Put me out of my misery, please. I will gladly hop up and down on one foot or something else normally most irritating or bothersome if only this itchiness would JUST. GO. AWAY. I've cut my nails short to avoid accidentally wounding myself in my sleep (which I had been doing, much to my chagrin) so I can't even get "no satisfaction" by lightly scratching my ever-present itch. I am in agony. *wimper*

In other news, I am likely approaching another cd1 tomorrow or the next day. Personally, I had expected it since G's results weren't promising and my hormones appear to be out of whack, so it's not a big surprise. I only wish that Dr. J. had clearly said "yes, we'll start you on Clomid next cycle regardless, call on cd1" rather than just "let's discuss your results 12/20" -- it means that another month will go by before we start the Clomid now. I guess given my general glum mood, that's probably not a bad thing, but delays are delays and they can be irritating.

But in trying to find *something* positive to end with, I can say that at least my holiday cookie baking is done -- my mom and grandma and I accomplished that this past Sunday. So I can go home tonight and sooth my itchiness and PMS-y-ness with baked goods. Hah!

On trying

2006-12-07T13:23:00.000-05:00

It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
I wish I had a river I could skate away on
-Joni Mitchell, River

I'm normally a pretty festive person, with Christmas being my favorite time of year (Halloween being a close second). However, this year's going to be tougher to get through. The Joni Mitchell song I quote above is often played around this time of year even though it's hardly a Christmas song (but then again, so is Old Lang Syne by Dan Fogelberg - hmmmm). It's really about things other than Christmas -- though I'm not sure exactly what, it seems that a breakup with a lover may be at the heart of the lyrics -- but it kind of sums up the way I'm looking at the holiday right now.

Two years ago today we found out we were pregnant for the first time and Christmas was wonderful that year. A year ago next week we had the surgery that was supposed to fix everything and give us hope. This year, we have more questions. More discouragement. More fighting to keep a smile on my face in public when I really just want to find a river to skate away on.

G does not really want to talk about what we learned the other day; that's his nature and while it upsets me, I have to allow him to handle this the way he needs to. Vice versa is true of course, so I have been Googling madly to try to come up with ideas -- zinc supplements, repeating the test to see if mitigating factors were a part of the motility issue, etc... things I will suggest to our doctor when we see him in two weeks. I hate having to be the proactive one in this relationship (the relationship between me and Dr. J, not me and G) but I've learned with doctors that's just the way it is.

Speaking of doctors: I'm also trying to get to the root of my itchy skin problems. The dermatologist today did a punch biopsy of one of my itchy bumps and has given me yet another antihistamine to try. I'm also supposed to get some repeat bloodwork to check some slightly abnormal liver function tests. I am praying that those results are normal, because the possible diagnosis she brought up if those are the problem is not one that I want to add to my plate. I won't go into specifics just yet but if any of you who are reading could just think good thoughts about those results, I'd appreciate it.

And if you should see me somewhere smiling about snow or Christmas lights or happy music, just smile right back. Maybe it will help.

So...

2006-12-05T10:46:00.000-05:00

When the cell phone rang I jumped up and closed the door to my office figuring it would be the doctor. Female voice answered instead. Huh??

It was the doctor's OFFICE, saying "Dr. J. would like to make an appointment with you to discuss your results." Uh-uh people. Not after what you've put me through since Friday. I told all of this to the girl, who was the unfortunate messenger getting figuratively shot. She apologized for the nurse and said she shouldn't have promised a call. She apologized for the doctor. She scheduled my appointment (12/20, 4:30 pm, bring hubby). And then she told me what the notes said.

Good count, low motility. Dr. Google seems to indicate that this *could* be from the length of time it took to transport the sample to the lab (he cut it just under the wire) or *could* be due to not having... ummm... cleaned the pipes prior to the normal abstaining. (God, he would kill me if he knew I were writing this....)

At least that's what I'm hanging on to - hope that it's not necessarily a done deal. I now plan to go over to Mel's place and do some further reading in Operation Heads Up...

Good thing I wasn't waiting for CPR or anything...

2006-12-05T08:35:00.000-05:00

...because the doctor never called. I have thankfully calmed down, and am not quite so down about the whole thing; whatever they tell me, we'll just deal with. At least that's the attitude I'm taking today. For now. At this moment. Mood subject to change without notice, I am in my two week wait after all.

About last night's event sans alcohol, though: it was a "family friendly" event at our local science center, complete with Santa's lap for pictures and lots of friendly families. I did ok, surprisingly, given my state of mind earlier that day.

Note to self, though; bring flask next time to spike my punch.

Justifiable paranoia, in this case.

2006-12-04T04:03:00.000-05:00

A nonchalant call to the doctor's office just now confirmed my fears - the nurse just didn't forget to call, "she can't read those kind of results." In other words, there's something wrong.

I have to wait forty-five minutes until the doctor gets in to find out the bad news. Will update later.

----------------------------

Later, it is. No news is just that, no news. I'm guessing the doctor has been seeing patients since his arrival and plans his "calling time" after the days appointments are through.

G and I are supposed to be going to an event tonight, one sans alcohol. (Who plans events without alcohol??) He called me earlier and asked if I still felt like going. I said I didn't know. At this rate, I may as well go, I suppose. I'm already expecting the worst.

Oh how paranoid am I...

2006-12-01T15:06:00.000-05:00

Called the doctor today to see if G's SA results were in yet. That was a few hours ago. Now, my mind's a blur; did she say she'd call if they were normal? Call either way? Dr. J. will call Monday if they're abnormal? Take two chill pills and they'll call me in the morning??

Staring at my cell phone willing it to ring is not working. And it's only serving to convince me that there's something wrong with G, too. Which will be the last thing he'll want to hear (he of the pretty pessimistic view of our chances, as it is) and so I am more than just a little bit anxious.

Damn my addled brain!
-----------------------
Update: 4:28 pm. Still no call.

Crap.

I am now fairly certain that she said she'd call if the results were normal.

crapcrapcrapcrapcrap.

RESOLVE's website states that one of the things that can affect male infertility is hernia repairs. G's had two since birth.

Oh, crap.

Belated thanks

2006-11-26T11:49:00.000-05:00

It's not that I wasn't thankful on Thanksgiving -- I was, indeed. I was just extremely busy. We had nine at our table this year and that was bigger (by one) than any meal I've ever made, but it went smoothly! For that I was very thankful.

I was also thankful that the HSG did not hurt as badly as the second one did. First and third were done by radiologists, second was done by Dr. S, the surgeon who did my septum resection -- maybe he uses a different method?? All in all, although I really was dreading the test right up until the moment it started, it was easier than I was imagining it.

Also thankful for the fact that my tubes were not blocked at all, although I ddin't expect them to be. However, I've come to learn that expectations can lead to letdowns, and as such it's really good that I was not surprised by a new problem with Friday's test.

I am hopeful that the results of G's SA will also bring no surprises, but I will wait to give thanks for that until after we're sure.

It's good to have things to be thankful for even after Thanksgiving.

On Dickens and Scrooge.

2006-11-15T11:01:00.000-05:00

I went to the OB/GYN on Monday to ask the question that Kath aptly posed in my comments: "Why the dickens isn't this working any more, now that the septum is gone??????"

Dr. J., for his part, at least acknowledged something I've been guessing was wrong for years -- my progesterone numbers from last month (about 9 on 7dpo) were too low. He thinks that could be a factor. So he wants to repeat that this month along with some other tests. I'm to schedule a repeat HSG soon (given that tomorrow will likely be cd1, probably sometime next week). G is to do an SA. I need to get a repeat free T4, progesterone and prolactin on cd22. If the first two are a-ok (which I suspect they will be) then I will start on Clomid the following month. Just in time for Christmas! From everything I've read both on info sites and others' blogs, that should make the last gasps of 2006 an absolute JOY.

I'm praying that we get lucky after the HSG instead. "Lots of people get pregnant after those, you know!"

Bah, humbug.

Soul searching

2006-11-11T11:23:00.000-05:00

I am not a good blogger.

I have been doing this all this time for the wrong reasons (community/support) rather than just getting my feelings out of my head. Some might say "what's the harm in that?"

Well, the reality is that nowadays I barely want to sit down and write how distressed I'm feeling about the way my cycle's going or the fact that we probably missed ovulation completely this month -- I think my chart is lying BTW. About how we got into a fight when talking about possible next steps. About how my repeat thyroid test came back normal, leading to no answers. About how hard the holidays are going to be, again. I'm sitting here in tears thinking about how much this sucks.

I read everyone else's words on these topics and think that they're so good at expressing themselves. They sum up how I'm feeling so much better than I ever could. All I ever feel is that I'm whining. It seems like that's all I can do these days, and I know that isn't pretty to read (and probably not so good for me, either.) I just don't know what else to say. How else to describe the utter despair I feel some days, watching women carrying their children after work while I stand alone waiting for the bus.

Is this my life? For good, not just temporarily... should I start getting used to the way this feels?

Why does even writing that make me sad?

-------------------------------------------------
On a side note... I don't want to switch to Blogger Beta. I think I may have to and that will require me to create an anonymous Google account. Which means I can't automatically use my real Google/Gmail account as a default on my PC. I'm pissed that they're making us do this, but I don't know that I have any choice... I tried emailing them and got no answer, so I'm thinking it's a done deal. Another thing that's stressing me, for no good reason.

Not as strong as you

2006-11-01T23:35:00.000-05:00

I have been meaning to blog for a few days now but the words have just been getting stuck.

After my last entry and consulting with my internist, she told me that she could refer me to an endocrinologist to discuss my thyroid results, or I could go back to see my RE. I decided to call the RE's office.

I cannot get an appointment until January.

I asked the nurses if I could please, pretty please have my thyroid panel bloodwork ordered in advance of January, just so that I wouldn't have to wait longer if thyroid meds are what I really need. They said they'd talk with Dr. W. about it. When I called today to see if they'd done so, they told me he'd been out all of last week and they would try today.

Went to the dermatologist for my itchy skin. I was so itchy at work this afternoon that I came back from lunch in tears, so I left early. The dermatologist also thought it might be a good idea to recheck my thyroid, thankfully, so she ordered a few more tests. Not sure if it's the complete panel but I'll take what I can get. She also prescribed All.egra and gave me some topical steroid cream.

I came home miserable, ithcy beyond belief, and realized that I didn't know how I was going to even consider having sex right now -- oh yeah, did I forget to mention this is all happening at prime babymaking time??

I know I'm just whining again, but I don't know what else to do. I guess I'm not as strong as I'd like to be, not as strong as some may think, and probably not as strong as those of you who read here. I'm prone to giving up every month, only to let Hope reverse my opinions briefly but then smack them down again.

It hasn't even been that long, but it seems like an eternity. Two years ago this December we got pregnant the first time. One year and approximately a week afterwards I had my uterine surgery that was supposed to make everything better.

I want to be stronger. Dammit, why can't I be stronger?? This may take more out of me than I'm giving right now and if it does I am going to have to put up or shut up. Why is it so hard to comprehend right now??

What's another wrinkle among friends?

2006-10-25T14:17:00.000-05:00

So yesterday I got the results of some routine bloodwork back -- it had been ordered by my regular doc, basic stuff after I'd gone to see her when my blood pressure was up, back in January. I didn't get it drawn until just the other day (when my progesterone was done). Yeah, bad Lisa.

Anyway, while most everything looked fine, I noticed that my TSH was 3.51. "Within the normal range of 0.4 - 5.5" according to the lab and the doctor's notes. I checked my previous TSH level, which was 2.9. Hmm. Then I went in search of Dr. Google, who told me that I wasn't imagining things, and there WAS a recent release of new reference ranges for TSH, that state that anything above a 3.0 should be investigated further for possible hypothyroidism. Hypothyroidism, which can cause dry, itchy skin like I've had for a few months now; basal temperatures on the low side, and sensitivity to cold. Oh yeah, and *infertility*.

So, I have a call in to my doctor's office now, press release from the AACE in hand, ready to discuss whether we might indeed investigate this further.

Universe, what else? I'm afraid to ask, really.

Sorry to haiku and run...

2006-10-22T22:19:00.000-05:00

Thanks for those of you who checked in after my last post, and sorry I just took off -- I have been feeling like every time I get my period all I do is whine about how awful I feel, and I figured no one wanted to hear that again. So I took a little break.

I've been reading infertility blogs since we had our second loss, and never thought much about the courage that it takes to go on to a next cycle, to admit that you need to try the next step, whatever that step may be, and to continue to post your feelings about it day after day, month after month, year after year in some unfortunate cases. Never really thought about what it takes to be able to talk about this stuff, to get it out of your head and onto the "page" so to speak.

Now that I'm in the midst of it, I realize that it's hard. I would give anything to be one of those people who doesn't know when their period is due, and is therefore greatly surprised when they wind up pregnant. I hate feeling optimistic when my cycle's going well and I hate feeling devastated when it takes a turn for the worse. I hate letting this stuff rule my emotions. It does, though. That's just who I am.

Some days I don't think I have the strength to talk about this, let alone go through it. But I have to -- I don't feel ready to give up just yet.

At least I think so.

Haiku

2006-10-18T04:44:00.000-05:00

Yesterday's:

Temperature plunges
TTC really sucks rocks
Hate playing this game

Today's:

Temperature's back up?
Why am I not spotting yet?
Don't be such a tease

Stay tuned for tomorrow's entry, where I hope to use the phrase "holy crapola"...

The blog entries that weren't.

2006-10-16T20:20:00.000-05:00

So I've been meaning to post since my last entry, but either got sidetracked or ran out of time or ran out of inspiration. So this will be a conglomerate post of sorts.
----
First of all, my period is due tomorrow. I have no thoughts on whether we do or don't have a chance because if I post anything at all hopeful it will bite me in the butt.

So instead, I will post that I am itchy. Extremely itchy, all over. I don't know if I have eczema, or just severly dry skin, but I am in agony. Tonight I took a bath with that oatmeal stuff and then slathered my skin with baby oil. Baby oil smells like what I want a baby to always smell like, sweet and intoxicating. It's like a drug, one that I know is harmful to me emotionally but one that I somehow cannot avoid. Sitting here breathing in this sweet smell makes me feel melancholy.

It can't help that tonight I got a call from a real-life friend who went through six years of infertility, decided she was okay with not having kids -- and they're pregnant. They just saw the heartbeat and have made it to ten weeks. I am happy for her. I am thrilled that she's finally getting what she waited so long to achieve. But I just have this weird feeling that hearing her announcement the day before I am expecting my period will bring bad news, like it has so many times before.

Today, G and I were talking about something unrelated -- we had tried to replace his dad's point and shoot camera with one just like it we found on e.Bay. We won the auction but the guy mistakenly sent our camera to Australia (we got the Australian's flash). G was not taking this well; and kept saying "why should I ever expect anything to work out for us"... this is NOT the thing I want to hear or think about or even contemplate when I'm one day off of knowing whether it worked this month or not; I told him he shouldn't think that way or it may become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I just want to feel like it's not a foregone conclusion.

The things we do...

2006-10-06T07:42:00.000-05:00

The past few days I've been contemplating all the bizarre things we do when TTC. For example, just this week I've:

eaten a pomegranate on the offchance that the folklore suggesting that it's a fertility symbol may have some truth to it;
put a pillow under my hips -- yeah, standard stuff, but man I felt like I was doing yoga or something;
taken an OPK that requires a cup, dropper and cartridge in a bathroom stall here at work -- balancing the entire process on my left leg was tricky; and
*considered* asking my NP at my annual this morning whether the mucus she was swabbing off of my cervix prior to my Pap was EWCM or creamy. (Mind you, I didn't ask her this, but I did think it! I SWEAR I didn't ask. Really.)

------
Speaking of the NP, I must say that I am very impressed. The internal debate I've been having about whether to go back to the RE's office that did my surgery or stick with my new OB/GYN was plaguing me a bit, but based on what she said and did this morning I feel that the proactive reputation I've gotten about this office is definitely true. She ordered a 7dpo progesterone test for me, without me having to say much more than my concern over slightly shorter LP's. She told me that their office would automatically give me medication (though she didn't say what, I'm assuming probably prophylactic heparin) when I'm pregnant for the homozygous MTHFR. She told me to call and make an appointment to see her as soon as I get a positive HPT for monitoring. And most importantly she took seriously my concerns about not waiting around since I'm 36 -- my previous OB/GYN said she "didn't worry about age until someone was 40." (Yeah, that's why I left THAT sage.) So I'm keeping my November appointment with Dr. J (haha, never thought of him that way before!) and will see what happens from here.

Did I mention that I picked up a penny off the ground this morning, too? Not one of the normal TTC procedures, but at this stage, maybe it'll help.

who was I kidding??

2006-10-03T10:04:00.000-05:00

Did I really say "kinder" AND "gentler" in that last entry?? Sheesh, I should know myself better by now.

I haven't even ovulated yet, and already this month a) I've felt sick to my stomach when reading about celebrity pregnancies, b) I've cringed at pregnant women on public transportation (internally only, I'm not really that cruel) and c) I broke down in tears last night at the thought of psyching myself up for doing the deed. It hasn't been pretty.

The good news, though, is that G and I have talked more this month about plans and options than I think we ever have. We agreed last night that we're going to try to stay the course *just a little while longer* before I run in a panic back to the RE. And we're going to try to keep the pressure on each other to a minimum. For all the little gripes I may have registered about G in the past, he really has come quite a long way with regards to this journey we're on. He actually has learned a lot about my cycles, conception, and pregnancy than I ever expected.

So although my hormonal roller-coaster will likely continue to roll on, despite my better efforts to keep it stable, at least I've got someone rolling right alongside me. Nice to have in case it's a bumpy ride.

A kinder, gentler month.

2006-09-26T07:15:00.000-05:00

I'm taking the stance that this month is going to be about staying calm. Keeping my emotions in check. Not letting the vicious cycle get to me (no pun intended). Last month I got far too down at the end of my cycle, most likely because I'd pumped myself up far too much about my chances. The build up and then subsequent letdown of each month combined with all the stress I've been under through the past year just got to me, I think. But as one commenter suggested a few posts ago, I am "hanging in there" -- I'm not ready to give up yet.

I have an appointment for an annual coming up at the beginning of October, and got on the calendar with my OB/GYN for a November appointment to discuss our next steps, if still we're not pregnant. G and I talked while we were away this weekend, and he seems fairly calm about the whole thing. "We hadn't really been trying in earnest a few of the past six months" he said, "and so perhaps this month will work." Meaning that we only started the intensive "this will *surely* get you pregnant" s.ex two months ago, and perhaps one lucky shot in some of the past months wasn't enough.

Part of me wants to be monitored, checked, etc... have someone actually confirm that yes, my ovaries are working the way they're supposed to, an egg is actually released at mid-cycle and my lining is strong enough to support it. Is that something doctors do when you're not doing injectibles or Clomid or anything else other than trying naturally? I don't know. And yet another part of me wants to continue somewhat naively for just a while longer. I suppose that's human nature; I'm not trying to blind myself from all the possibilities, just trying to focus my whole energies (mental, mostly) on the strategy that is in effect now. Maybe that's a bad way to be, but it's the tactic I'm taking right now.

At least...

2006-09-21T22:38:00.000-05:00

At least I only wasted one cheap HPT this month instead of the "lucky FRER" that a friend gave me...

At least it hasn't really been two whole years, since we weren't trying the whole time...

At least thirty-six is still relatively young for treatments if I need them...

At least I'm off the antidepressants and anxiety meds...

At least I have my new temp assignment to distract me...

At least... at least...

At least I'm good at convincing myself it'll be ok.

Apparently not our month.

2006-09-19T13:21:00.000-05:00

Perhaps not our year, at the rate we're going, but I don't want to get ahead of myself.

My temp plunged this morning. I knew that probably meant disaster but I still held out a tiny bit of hope -- the opera's not over till the fat lady sings after all, and there was still no signs of a diva warming up in the wings this morning. I did manage to find one chart in FF's chart gallery that was a pregnancy chart, even with a temp that went way below coverline. It wasn't *probable*, but it was possible.

That all changed this afternoon, when I began spotting.

I know that I will get the strength to do what I need to do (whether it be just try again naturally, go see the doctor or whatever) but right now, I'm weary; I don't know how people do this month after month after month. I hate to sound like I'm complaining as I know there are people who have been at this for far longer than I have, and I appreciate that we haven't had to worry yet about financial issues, having not moved into that realm.

But to say I'm not petrified of our next steps would be a terrible understatement.

I was going to call G at work and let him know the news, but decided against it. Why spoil the rest of his day, right?? As it stands, we will be able to go to a wine festival we were thinking about attending this weekend, so when I get home I will focus on that.

It's ironic that this month, I'm beyond crying. I just feel... numb.

Tomorrow is test day... perhaps...

2006-09-18T18:27:00.000-05:00

After all my initial excitement about my temps a few days ago, I'm now to the point where I'm completely and totally unsure of whether I have a chance this month.

I ovulated early, so I don't know whether my luteal phase should be normal length or whether it's my cycle length that would end up being normal, supposing I'm not pregnant. So I either am expecting my period to come tomorrow, or I'm expecting it to come Thursday... or wait, should I also figure in my longest cycle into the mix?? -- 32 days -- in which case, I'd be expecting my period to come Monday the 25th. At which point I'd be 19 days past ovulation, which would normally be a sure sign that I was pregnant, but in typical "don't blog about something that would be a cruel joke were the opposite to occur" fashion, I'm not expecting anything other than to get my period on cd33.

Of course, all bets are off if my temps are up tomorrow.

Sidetracked

2006-09-16T17:15:00.000-05:00

This past Wednesday and Thursday, I worked half-days for the temp agency, doing training (Wednesday) and registration (Thursday) for a large convention at the downtown convention center. The convention was a large women's conference sponsored by our state's governor, and featured several well-known speakers, breakout sessions on things such as "bridging the gender gap," "women creating change," and "what makes a leader." All geared towards women in business, or nonprofits, or whatever field most of the attendees happened to be part of.

This was the type of event that five yers ago, I'd probably have been interested in attending. Ironically, I saw the name of one of my former bosses on the attendee list, the one that I was working for when I had my first panic attacks. It's truly a small world in nonprofit management, and had I stayed in that field, I'd be running into the same people, including said former boss, again and again. (I managed to avoid coming into contact with her the actual day of the conference, but just barely -- out of a conference of 5000+ women, who'd have thought I'd run into the one person I didn't want to see -- luckily she didn't see me, though.)

But I'm not in that world anymore; I jumped off that career track. To be frank, I don't know that I was ever really on it, as my job history back then was rather "jumpy" (it seems like I was starting a new position every July, according to my resume); but part of that I think stems from my inability to find a position I liked in the part of nonprofit management I really enjoyed, which was grant writing. Who knows where I'd be now if that had worked differently.

In thinking about career tracks, though, I realized that I'm *also* not really on the "mommy track" that a lot of women seem to find themselves on after having a baby. I've never had a problem with the idea of staying at home to raise a family, and while I know it's not the right choice for some women, I believe that either choice is right as long as you're on the track that makes you the most comfortable. (Catherine had a good post about this a few months back, actually.) And I want to be on the "mommy" track, certainly, but right now it's as though I'm in limbo, waiting at a junction to see whether or not the right switch will be thrown.

The people who hired me for my most recent temp assignment seem rather amazed that I'm doing temp work; someone with my education and skill set could be off "creating change" or being a leader; instead I'm covering phones on lunch break and doing clerical stuff. And overall I'm happy. It's just odd to see those two tracks cross one another, since they don't normally intersect.

yawn

2006-09-15T20:13:00.000-05:00

I have a blog entry in my mind, "in reserve", that I've been meaning to write since coming home from my temp assignment yesterday.

However, I'm EXHAUSTED. I want nothing more than to go crawl into bed right now and go right to sleep. Given that it's cd9, my temp kind of skyrocketed (for me, I'm usually notably COLD) and I was tired yesterday and today, I'm being cautiously optimistic that we may have a chance at being pregnant this month. There, I've gone and tempted fate by posting it -- but I figure it will either be positive or negative on its own; no amount of my blogging about it will change that.

No testing for another five days (at least)... the temps will tell a lot in the meantime of course.

But for now... must...sleep....

Not that you're interested...

2006-09-12T22:28:00.000-05:00

(are you??)

...but my temps recovered. At least temporarily; anything could happen tomorrow I suppose. It's sad, really, that I have nothing much else to blog about besides the daily ups and downs of my cycle, but I suppose it's not like I'm driving people away in droves by doing so. (There would have to be droves here in the first place!! Haha.)

I've decided to start taking low-dose aspirin. Yes, without my doctor's advice. I know that isn't the best decision I could make but my feeling about the aspirin is that it's not known to hurt, it's occasionally known to help, and it's becoming fairly standard practice at most of the RE's offices I've seen describing their programs online. I've found more articles in support of it than against it, and given the MTHFR, even though I'm taking my folic acid, I figure it's insurance. Plus I've heard rumors that it could help with implantation. I haven't tried every witch doctor trick in the book so far yet to get pregnant again, but I figure if I'm going down that path, I may as well start with the less quackery stuff first.

I was thinking an awful lot yesterday about what we do if this month isn't successful. Originally, before G's little mood swing, I might have thought it's time to go back to my doc, or the RE, and have some conversations. But now I don't know how he's feeling about the whole thing (except for frustrated) and I'm not sure now's the time to bring it up. At least not while I'm still in the two-week wait. I can only hope that we'll get pregnant this month and I won't have to bridge that conversation, but I still have a week to go and I'm not allowing myself to get hopeful at all.

A sad state to be in, really.

I remember.

2006-09-11T12:40:00.000-05:00

On an ordinary day, five years ago, ordinary people got out of bed, began thinking ordinary thoughts and went off to live ordinary lives.

They never got the chance.

Despite the reasons I made this blog and despite the ordinary (and not-so-ordinary) feelings I write about, my life is pretty blessed. I wish I could be better at remembering that on ordinary days.

But I will try harder not to forget.

to live and die by the thermometer...

2006-09-10T12:26:00.000-05:00

This charting thing really sucks.

Allowing my mood to be affected by a downswing in temperature is one thing. When G's is affected, then we're really in trouble.

I guess we've hit the point where even though we're "going along with the program", there is still some level of "psyching up" that needs to happen. On both our parts. And occasionally even that doesn't work. G had a bad day yesterday and suffice it to say that he's not in the best of moods right now. When my temp took a small dive, my first instinct was to worry that maybe I really didn't ovulate. Which, in the most delicate of terms, means that we're not done for the month yet.

And I think G *is* done. Mentally that is.

Whenever he gets frustrated about this stuff he resorts back to the "nothing's ever easy" line, one that drags both his and my moods down pretty quickly. I suppose it could just be male PMS, but when he's saying things like "all this probably isn't going to work anyway" it's not the most uplifting of moments. I don't know why I need for him to be encouraging so badly, but at the very least I would like it if he were not DIScouraging. And sometimes he just can't manage that.

Sometimes I just wish he could.

What not to wear, pregnancy edition

2006-09-08T09:52:00.000-05:00

In which I play fashion police on my least favorite celebrity breeder, BS.

I'm not normally one to blog about pregnant celebrities, but this one has really made me want to be catty. Good Lord, what was she THINKING?? (Don't answer that with the answer I know you want to. Hah.)

I mean, really BS, I'd thought that MAYBE you'd learned something with the first one; hasn't anyone taken you aside and said "look sweetie, put down the ice cream, you're trying to REPAIR your image, remember? Perhaps we should get you some nice tasteful maternity wear, no?"

Apparently not, or she hasn't listened.

Clearly.

Two out of three ain't bad!

2006-09-07T13:46:00.000-05:00

(Sorry if I've made any of you think of meatloaf with this update to yesterday's post...)

One, my temp this morning seems to have confirmed yesterday's OPK. Since we're still following the SMEP, we are not stopping the babymaking sex (or "compulsories" as G has taken to calling it, much to the amusement of one of his friends who did IVF) but I'm pretty sure I ovulated two days earlier than usual. I am hoping that if it's correct, it's also a good sign for implantation, as I've heard in the past that late ovulators and those with shorter-than-usual LP's are often those with progesterone problems. Should we get an implant this month, maybe this is a good indicator that it'll be a strong one.

Two, my Lost DVD's just arrived! When I called G at work just now he knew why I sounded so excited ("I take it they're here?")... I need to check the new digital cable box downstairs anyway, which just HAPPENS to be connected to the home theater. Heh.

As for the temp job, I did at least get a call from the agency, with a possible two-day assignment next week at a convention, and the word that perhaps the company just hasn't started their screening yet. So no reason to be paranoid.

Off to watch bonus materials!

Playing the waiting game...

2006-09-06T13:21:00.000-05:00

"I hate waiting." - Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride

"The waaaaaaiting is the hardest part." - Tom Petty, perhaps with or without Heartbreakers, I'm not sure

"So tired of waiting for yoooooooou." - The Kinks, definitely without Heartbreakers, Ray Davies notwithstanding.

---

So yeah, I'm waiting, on a few things actually.

Number one, waiting to ovulate. This may or may not be occurring in the next 24-36 hours if you believe the possibly positive OPK I got today. I say possibly because I am horrible at reading these things; really, I only do it because I'm following SMEP and because I'm notorious for being addicted to peeing on sticks. (I've been trying to come up with a clever acronym but all that is coming to mind is the code word for the president, and I can't get past that.) The joy of using OPK's is to be able to see nice, dark double lines. But then you have to *interpret* them. Is today's darker than the control line? Should I be concerned that yesterday's was a complete dud? Should I consider today a positive?? God, I don't know. It's more frustrating than I thought it would be, although the exhilaration of peeing on something that comes back with a result kind of makes up for it.

Number two: waiting for my Lost Season 2 DVD's to arrive. UPS tracking is a wonderful thing, but WHY if the package left Lexington at 10:46 haven't I gotten any updates by now? Has someone hijacked my truck?? (Yeah, I'm a bit obsessed, but it helps to keep my mind off the baby-making stuff. Heh, I said "baby-making;" reminds me of that radio commercial for the Clear.blue Easy OPK, the one that has smiley faces instead of lines to tell you if you're ovulating. Why didn't I buy those again?? Oh wait, I was saying that something took my mind off of that... yeah, right. Hrmph.)

And, number three, waiting for the company that may or may not hire me for a 2-4 week temp assignment to call me. The temp agency phoned me this morning to ask me if I was interested in the job (uhh, yeah) and to say that they would send over my resume, so that the company could do phone screenings. That was almost five and a half hours ago. I would hope that they don't see me as being *too* qualified for temp work... isn't paranoia a wonderful thing??

Now excuse me, I need to go squint at these double lines again for a while.

Just don't call me Parker Posey...

2006-09-01T13:05:00.000-05:00

So I signed up with a temp agency today. It's actually the same agency that I worked for five years ago, and they seemed pleased to have me back. Mustn't get many people who leave their permanent jobs to go back into temping -- I'm reminded of the movie "Clockwatchers," where Toni Collette's character decides she'd rather temp than apply for the sales job her father wants her to take.

For me, temping is a perfect solution right now to the whole "would sure be nice to bring in some money but I don't want to take a full time job in case I get pregnant" optimism that I'm famous for. Ha. Seriously though, a temp job allows me to have some freedom, the ability to for example, *go* to the doctor's office for a beta on the off chance that I'll need one, without having to go at 6 in the morning. Plus, it allows me to avoid the whole "what will my coworkers think?" -- my coworkers won't know me from Adam, so there's little chance that there'd be any suspicions should I actually get a positive.

That being said, also, being semi-anonymous is also nice should I *not* get a big fat positive, because then I can slink off to the ladies' room and weep without anyone noticing. Or if I get PMS-y at my desk, it's not like there will be a dozen ladies going "what's gotten into HER??"

All kidding aside (as I would never get PMS-y at a job just because I thought I could... really) I'm hoping that this stint will allow me some stress-free work time... I've come back to temping more than once in the past, and it has served me fairly well. I'm a "people person", I make a decent impression and I like the variety that I get doing temporary assignments.

But I think this quote from the movie sums up my reasons for temping now:

Everything is temporary. Everything begins and ends and begins again. When I look ahead, I imagine infinite possible futures repeated like countless photocopies, a thousand blank pages, and in each one I see myself, never hiding, never sitting silently, and never just waiting and waiting and watching the world go by.

Even though it may not be the perfect job, I'm glad for the opportunity to begin and end and begin again. Life's like that anyway, I may as well climb aboard at the next stop.

And maybe it's the perfect job for me.

Oh, I'm awful...

2006-08-30T08:00:00.000-05:00

On another forum I belong to, there was a post entitled "what are your kids going to be for Halloween?" and I couldn't help but think mine are going to be ghosts...

Apparently I'm not above black humor...

The anti-me?

2006-08-26T16:15:00.000-05:00

Some people have asked me how I've been able to handle working in my friend's maternity store this week, and truthfully, it hasn't been bad. I'm very good with people, have a creative bent that makes it fun to rearrange the displays, and the amount of customers at any one time is minimal, unlike when I run into pregnant woman after pregnant woman in Target (usually when shopping for "feminine products," ironically).

Today was different, though: I experienced my first "lump-in-the-throat" moment today when a barely-pregnant woman came in with her mother. They walked around looking at everything, talking about how "this will work for the whole pregnancy" and "this is good for right now."

Right now. Barely pregnant. Only 10 weeks.

I remember coming to see my friend after I found out about pregnancy number one, when I was approximately six weeks. I was clearly not planning on buying anything at that point but I tried things on, using the belly pillow to visualize what they might look like. Ms. Ten-Weeks did the same. I heard her mother exclaim multiple times about how cute everything looked "with a full-term belly." I never made it that far.

She ended up purchasing four items and her mom bought her a special occasion top as a gift. I couldn't help but hope that Ms. Ten-Weeks was not jinxing herself.

Maybe I'm the only one who does that, though.

Ten years ago today...

2006-08-24T12:13:00.000-05:00

G and I met, through one of those "voice mail" personals services, believe it or not. Neither he nor I are the type to do such things but had both signed up on a whim. He was one of only three guys total that I met through the service, and I was the only girl he ever met. I like to think it was fate.

We didn't start dating right away after our first meeting, but it was clear that we had a lot in common. He plays guitar and I sing, so we mentioned possibly getting together sometime to "jam" (sounds so rock-star, doesn't it??). He called me a few weeks later to talk and we made plans to get together. We had a blast. From that first music-making attempt, we planned more regular jams, which eventually evolved into a) playing an open stage together, and b) spending a lot of time talking about ourselves. By November, I was seriously smitten. I worked up the nerve to invite him to a concert. In December we went to another concert, this time with dinner first. My friends kept asking me "are you dating??" I seriously didn't know, but didn't think so. "Does he pay for dinner?" Yes, I said. "Does he kiss you goodnight?" On the cheek, I said. Hmm. No clear answers there. We started dating in March of the following year, and I teased him often about the "just friends" attitude he took early on. But truthfully, I'm so grateful that we formed a deeper connection first. It has made all the difference through the past decade that I've known him.

So, as we move onto a new month of trying to make a baby (yes, it's soon to be cd1) I have to keep in mind that I'm glad that he and I are, first and foremost, wonderful friends. Through ups and downs, it's good to have friends like that.

Not so down today...

2006-08-23T11:45:00.000-05:00

Both my temp and my mood have gone back up. Thankfully, as I was kind of cranky yesterday. I didn't even like me much. To be honest, it got progressively worse all day long, to the point where I was almost crying in rush hour traffic. I just felt so alone. That's a terrible feeling.

As for my temp going up, it's probably a fluke. I am hoping that the crimson witch isn't playing with me, getting me psyched up about the possiblility that I'm pregnant, when really she just wants to slam me from around the next corner. And yet I still allow a tiny bit of hope in... it's just that whenever I post such hope *here*, that's the time when I'm surprised by sudden spotting, or wicked cramps, etc. So I'm not posting any hope. Just say no to hope! No, nothing but doom and gloom from me, my period will be here any second.

If it doesn't come, I will feign ignorance for a week. Maybe.

pass the salt...

2006-08-22T06:47:00.000-05:00

Did I really just say "It really hasn't been that bad" in one of my comments?? Inviting something to come along and show me just how bad it could be? Yep, I did. Story of my bloglife, as it were.

And then my temp drops yet lower than the day before, signaling that my period will arrive right. on. schedule. -- so now I can eat my words. Cover 'em with salt and they're almost edible, plus the salt comes in handy for dousing those wounds.

I brought this -- working for my friend when I knew there was a good chance my period would come during my days there -- on willingly, so I have no room to complain. But the period thing in general, I wanna complain. G said "if this month didn't work, what will?" to which I told him "25% chance, hon..." and sighed.

Probably less than 25% now, though, given my age and his. Didn't tell him that.

It's probably time for "the talk", phase one, where we figure out how long since the surgery we've been trying (since we had to take some months off) and how much longer we want to try on our own before going to see my doctor. I know that's something G will be dreading, as he just wants things not to be complicated. I know we all do, but for him this is a real issue: he is not big on change.

I'm not so sure how I'll handle it, either.

Random thoughts

2006-08-21T08:14:00.000-05:00

So far, working in my friend's maternity store hasn't been that bad, really. (Although admittedly, it has only been two days, and I'm still waiting to see if I get my period or not, but we'll go with the feeling, for now.) The worst part of it is when a size 2 woman comes out of the dressing room to ask me if something makes her belly look huge. Yeah, *you* look like a tubbo, lady. (glancing over at my friend's lone plus size maternity rack as I think this...) Better quit eating for two.
---
I don't have the exact path in my Statcounter page anymore, but I *swear* that the other day, I noticed that someone had found me by searching "why am I still not pregnant?" Hmmm. The tattoo was a big search engine hit, as I've gotten at least a half a dozen off that. And today I have one that says "success opk first time" - god I hope so.
---
Forgot to comment on the prgesterone cream issue -- it turns out that the stuff I had on hand from the compounding pharmacy had a limited shelf life - much more limited than the length of time I kept it. It was not pretty when I opened it. (Yuck.) I had some G.NC brand which I did start using, but period's due Thursday -- time will tell as to whether I even needed to bother.

To PC or not to PC?

2006-08-18T09:42:00.000-05:00

Not talking political correctness or personal computer here. I'm talking about progesterone cream.

Now, normally, I have the same reservations about OTC progesterone cream that I assume most of us do. Doesn't work, isn't strong enough to make a difference, etc. However, instead of buying whatever Ec.kerd or G.NC have on their shelves, in the past I've purchased a jar that is compounded by a local pharmacy and sold (primarily, I assume, since they run seminars about it) to women who are using HRT. While it's technically "OTC," you need to specifically request it at the counter and the pharmacist keeps a database of those who are using it.

Notice however I said "in the past I've purchased." Yes, I've used it at the beginning of my two pregnancies, both of which failed. Granted, I don't *think* they failed because of low progesterone; I'm 99% sure on the second, although slightly less so on the first. But even still, that's not the best reason to consider using it again.

However, I'm seven days past ovulation, prime time for implantation and back in January, I suspect that my body may have *tried* to implant a fertilized egg but failed. The only time I've had my progesterone checked was after I got my second positive, when I was already using progesterone cream, and it was 120 or thereabouts. Higher than most progesterone readings I ever heard, except those using progesterone-in-oil.

So, my thought was this: start using it now (I have some on hand) and if we succeed this month, go to the doctor armed with the study that Vivien posted (which includes progesterone as part of a strategy to reduce miscarriage) and ask that I be put on prescription progesterone (in whatever form that may be, suppositories, injections, I'll do whatever if we're successful).

If you're reading and have any thoughts, opinions, etc... I hope you'll share them.

I passed

2006-08-15T08:44:00.000-05:00

No, I'm not talking about a test of any kind. Well maybe not. Apparently yesterday while I was out, I passed for someone's mother.

I went with my friend J and her two daughters (five and six-and-three-quarters -- "not seven yet!" as I was reminded by the eldest! Geez!) to our local amusement park. This is another one of those "what were you thinking" type of activities but I was fooled somewhat with J's discussion of the last time she went with them, when she took them on adult rides. What she failed to mention (or mention loudly enough that I paid attention) was that they DID NOT LIKE said adult rides. Thus, a large percentage of my day was spent in Kiddieland.

However, while there, J and I split up, her with the younger child (M) on the swing ride, me with the eldest (S) on the airplanes. You remember them, they're the ones that can go up and down while going around and around. S was on the ride with another little girl, probably a few years younger, but who was clearly a precocious thing. When they got off the ride the first time both lined up to ride again and when the gate opened, the younger girl was off like a shot to get to her airplane. Her mother stood beside me and shouted encouragement as they went around for a second time. I did the same for S.

On their third ride, the mother turned to me and said something about how glad she was it was slightly overcast. I said, yes, it sure does keep it cooler. She then added "AND *they* won't get sunburned." Oh yes, right. Of course. Our children... they won't get sunburned. That was the implied meaning and it means that I passed! I looked like a mom! The mother chattered on about how glad she was that it wasn't crowded but I just basked in the glow... for another two seconds, because just at that moment, as the ride was slowing down, J walked up with M, and S yelled out "MOMMY! I rode this three times!" Obviously in J's direction, and not in mine.

I did not turn to look at the other mother, to see if her face changed. I know that mine did.

The hormonal roller coaster is not as fun as it looks.

2006-08-13T23:22:00.000-05:00

We ended the "baby-making-sex" phase of the sperm-meets-egg plan. I suspect I ovulated two days ago, now I just need to see what my temps do to see whether the dates are right. Whether the plan was more than just a waste of money on OPK's and a lot of sex, remains to be seen. Time to wait for two weeks or thereabouts to see whether it worked.

G and I talked tonight at dinner about planning a fall trip. I complained about the cost of airline tickets, he said "well, you have to think about whether you'll want to fly if you're pregnant." (Where did that come from?) We talked a little later about my work status and whether I was going to temp right away. He mentioned not changing his withholding, and I said "if we get a refund, and we're pregnant, we can use the money for a crib."

And yet, I still have doubts that things will work out. I don't know why, but I feel like a phony talking about being pregnant and having a child and all the things that go along with it. Don't you know that your chances for success go downhill with each passing month? my brain mocks. G's not getting any younger, and they just pinpointed paternal age as possible cause for miscarriages, as well. Yes, the positive vibes are literally SURROUNDING me.

I'll have to try harder if this actually *works*, I guess.

On not possessing a green thumb.

2006-08-10T10:59:00.000-05:00

I'm afraid to plant bulbs.

Truth be told, aside from some container gardening I've done over the years I'm fairly afraid of gardening, period. The container gardening hasn't been without peril, either: I remember tomato plants with large white *things* bulging from their stalks - a result of overfeeding or plant disease or who knows what, but I was hesitant to eat the tomatoes. Pepper plants covered in whiteflies. Basil infested with Japanese beetles. The hosta we (and by we I mean G) split and replanted on our eyesore of a hill in the backyard, only to have them chewed to the ground by the deer.

I have two boxes full of bulbs that I got from Sam's Club. Stella d'oro and "red pirate" daylilies, waiting to be planted, since, oh, early May. Prior to now I haven't had the time.

Now it's just that I'm petrified to go out there. I don't know what I'm doing. Do I dig a hole and plop it in? Do I need to water first (since the soil up there is pathetic, full of shale and dry as a bone)? Will I accidentally plant them upside down? (Not hardly, since they seem to be sprouting.) Have I doomed them already by neglecting them for this long?

I could try to draw parallels to my attempts at having a child; gardening, like baby-making, doesn't seem to be my strong suit. However, there is a difference. I have educated myself on trying to conceive. It was my singular focus prior to convincing G to go for it, and after the losses I was a research hound, reading up on every study and treatment and option and medical opinion out there. I've not put that kind of effort into gardening. I read the back of the box the bulbs came in this morning, and that's about it. I dug part of a hole and thought "is this dirt too dry?" but have not, as of yet, commenced to Googling everything there is to know about planting bulbs and making them grow.

The thing is, I don't know that I really *want* to be a gardener. Sure, the idea is nice, planting pretty things; perhaps having a vegetable or herb garden and being able to use homegrown things in cooking; having great success -- but like many other things I've pursued and quit over the years, I don't think I have the courage or the focus to spend the time on it that is necessary to be successful. Not so with motherhood. I want it desperately, despite my fears that I will not be the best at it, and have done all I can to make sure I'm educated. As prepared as I can be. Fertile soil and all that. I may not receive anything but weeds for my trouble, but I am determined to keep trying until something blooms.

Now, if only I could calm down about planting those damn lilies.

First days

2006-08-07T10:29:00.000-05:00

It's my first day post-old-job, so I'm reminiscing a bit.

First day of kindergarten: my dad was the photographer of the family, but my mom was the only one home. (The pictures are dark.) I need to get one of those from my folks though for my memory box.

First day at a new school, fifth grade: I remember feeling so out of place; I had lots of friends at my old school but knew no one at my new school. It took a while to adjust.

First day of junior high, two years later: friends from old school acted like they didn't remember me; friends from new school acted like everyone at the old school was weird. How I don't miss middle school!

First day of junior high chorus: Wow, so this is what it's like to fit in!!

First day of high school: Yes, I'm related to that teacher. No, he's not my dad. Yes, I'd *love* to hear what you think of him. (If only I'd known then what I know now about SARCASM. Hah.)

First day of college: My very first class was speech, at 8:00 in the morning. I missed a lot of speech classes that first semester.

What's your favorite first-day memory?

What happens after "happily ever after?"

2006-08-02T15:42:00.000-05:00

I couldn't help but get upset when I went to drop off a library book this morning; I pulled into the lot at the same time as a woman and her young daughter and just got sad... not just because I do not have children of my own but also because at times I just don't see it ever working for me. I feel like I can barely take care of myself some days, and so thinking about having a child makes me feel panicky. Problem is, thinking about *not* having a child makes me feel worse.

I should be happier.

I have just shy of two days left at my job. G and I are gung-ho to try to make a baby this month (sperm meets egg plan, given Lola's success with it and the other positive results that have been reported). I am trying to lose weight and get back into shape and while I haven't been perfect, I'm doing much better than I thought I would be.

But at the same time that I am worried about not getting pregnant, I'm worried about what happens if I do, and actually make it through the whole 40 weeks and actually come home with a baby. I have heard from so many people that "don't worry, the maternal instinct will kick in" but I have to wonder, what if it doesn't? I daresay I've also thought "what if it never will, and it just isn't meant to, hence the reason I've never been able to have a child" -- but that is a defeatist attitude and I should not think that way. Whenever my mind goes down these paths, I am reminded of a scene from the Steven Sondheim musical Into the Woods:

Baker: Maybe I just wasn't meant to have children--

Baker's Wife: (enters as ghost) Don't say that!
Of course you were meant to have children!

The scenario in the musical doesn't relate to me at all (hmmm, lessee: man raising his child after his wife was killed by a giant... nope, doesn't fit) but a few lines later the Baker's wife says something that I hope and pray is right... "you'll know what to do."

When G was on the fence about having kids, one of his main reasons was not knowing how he'd be as a father or whether things would work out financially or whether he'd have the patience... etc. And when we would argue about it he always told me that "you just somehow know that everything will work out."

I just hope that part of me finds her way back.

Just missed my blogiversary...

2006-07-26T22:17:00.000-05:00

July 24th!! Wow, a year on Blogger. Still can't believe it; think it's time for the "read my whole blog" marathon, although it will have to wait till the weekend.

And to think I thought I wouldn't stick with this. Yay me!!

The order of the universe is restored...

2006-07-26T13:41:00.000-05:00

Yes, the mere mention of "well could I be pregnant?" is apparently enough to bring on the temp plunge and the spotting. Oh well; I was kind of craving sushi anyway; and now I can have an actual drink to celebrate my last day at work.

Funny though, that it kind of hurt to hear G *disappointed*. Not hurt like I'm upset that he is, he's just never reacted that way before. Which gives me a funny feeling in my stomach. As long as I'm the only one affected by this whole thing, it's really not that big a deal; having an outside party react makes it real. He even asked "well how long have we been trying since the surgery?" And he never used to inquire about charting, or at least not much.

It's harder to be nonchalant about this when I'm not the only one pretending everything's ok.

My version of "Turn, Turn, Turn": a time to be random...

2006-07-25T14:31:00.000-05:00

I'm having a major ADD-ish day today. Trouble concentrating on ANYTHING for more than five minutes, aside from the twenty I spent in the bookstore at lunchtime (oops). I found a book that I think is suited to me: it's called The Renaissance Soul: Life Design for People with Too Many Passions to Pick Just One. I'm hoping that it will point me in a direction that Do What You Are and The Career Guide for Creative and Unconventional People didn't back in the 90's. Perhaps I just didn't gain the right insights from them or strayed from the direction they were leading me but "Renaissance Soul" seems more suited to my "one hobby today, new hobby tomorrow" style. In fact, it may help me to make money at my hobbies or at the very least, learn to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Problem is, it keeps changing.
---
I hate to even say boo on this subject (because we all know what happens when I do), but my period is due today and is not here as of half an hour ago. I am sure that I will begin spotting any minute, but since I am not the type of person to keep *anything* to myself, I may as well come clean. I am hoping, but not hopeful. Hopeful got too difficult; hoping still guards my heart a bit but allows for a tiny bit of light to pass by. If things come and go as they normally do, though, I allowed myself the brief indulgence of checking when my due date would be, should I get pregnant next month -- you know, one of those things I alluded to doing in my recent "why isn't fertility fun anymore" post -- and wouldn't you know, it would end up being my birthday in '07. I share my birthday with my own mom, so should fortune not shine on me this month I am hoping that we can pull it off next month -- wouldn't that be a story! I would say stranger things have happened, but I hate to put the words 'strange' and 'pregnancy' in the same paragraph, just because.
---
On the subject of things that are really random *and* probably not the best topics for me to be focusing on but I do them anyway, I am going to fill-in for my best friend at her store while she goes on a buying trip later in August. Why, you ask, is this not the best laid plan for me?? Yep, she owns a maternity store. But I volunteered -- remind me of this when I am bitter and woefully depressed. I'm hoping I won't be, but I should know better by now, right?
---
Ok, random time is over... I need to focus. On writing something other than a random blog post. Transition documents are hard to write when you're feeling random, just so you know.

Marked woman

2006-07-23T14:45:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure why it surprises me to know this about myself, but I would love to get a tattoo. Perhaps it's that outwardly I'm rather conservative: wearing plain colored shirts and pants more often than printed *anything*; rarely wear jewelry even though I love it (just won a necklace at eBay and am bidding on another). So a tattoo seems to be the anti-me.

However, I've wanted one for some time. My brother is nine years younger than me and I remember that I wanted one a few years before he got his, the day he turned eighteen. He came home with his comedy/tragedy masks (beautiful work, BTW) and I admired it, and secretly wished I had nerve enough to get one.

I considered it once, when I was in Toronto on a college trip... at that time I'd have gotten something musical, like a G-clef or eighth note. Nothing big or fancy, I always thought, just something small.

Once I met G, I recall the conversation where he told me that he didn't like tattoos on women. At that point in time, tattoos were not the commonplace thing they are now, and so I could kind of see his point; when we went to rock concerts and saw what young people would now call "old-school" tats on women that were in their sixties, I thought, "yeah, I guess they don't always look that great." So we made kind of a pact, of sorts: he said he'd always thought about shaving his head, which I told him I didn't want him to do (I love his hair) but he said he'd only do it if I got a tattoo. We were joking, mostly, calling it our relationship's version of "mutually assured destruction."

Over the years, though, my desire to get a tattoo never waned. I developed a fascination with all things Irish/Celtic and decided that *if* I were ever to get one, I'd choose something inspired by the book of Kells. To keep from feeling as though I was missing out by not getting one, I kept the thought in the back of my head that I wouldn't be all that crazy about the pain/blood aspect. I'd get temporary tattoos applied when I'd go to festivals or concerts and that generally kept me satisfied. At one point I decided that I was "too old" to get one, anyway.

Then, two summers ago, I went to a Counting Crows concert with G and two of my co-workers. While there was no tattoo booth at the concert there *was* a piercer, and on a dare of sorts another coworker and I said we'd get our navels pierced if the other coworker got her nose pierced, since she really wanted to do it. (She didn't realize that she couldn't just start with a cute little rhinestone stud, though, and although she left with a nose ring she took hers out a few days later.) I remember thinking that the piercing didn't hurt as much as I'd imagined it would, until I stood up from the chair and felt as though I was going to faint. I recovered quickly enough, thankfully, but that kind of put the fear back into me that I'd never be able to stand the pain of getting a tattoo. (Incidentally, I wasn't able to keep my navel piercing, as it got infected and I had to remove it, but I think about redo-ing it, if I ever get skinny again. More on that another posting.)

So, the dream of having a tattoo was put away. Until recently. I was looking up information about "Elvish" after *finally* watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and in so doing came upon a tattoo site that not only did Elvish tattoo designs, they did Celtic designs. And there, I found this:

It's a Celtic motherhood knot. While this person hadn't done so, I found other pictures where the dots were colorized to represent birthstones of children. More than anything, I find myself wanting one of these with a dot on each side, to represent the children that could have been.

I could probably do just as well by finding some way to get this converted into a pendant or other type of "wearable" piece. There's a thousand reasons why I shouldn't get one, most of all that it's silly, really; I am still not the type to get a tattoo.

I'll keep telling myself that until I believe it.

holy crapola, I'm vested!

2006-07-22T08:14:00.000-05:00

Opened my retirement statement this a.m. and got the best surprise of all -- sticking it out for as long as I did (i.e., over 1000 hours into my fifth year there) means that my employer match is mine, all mine.

Does that mean there was a subconscious method to my madness?

pay no attention to the insecure woman behind the curtain...

2006-07-20T08:28:00.000-05:00

Ok, yeah, so I'm still insecure. I really have to remember that I should be doing this to express my feelings, not for anyone else's approval/comment/criticism. (That being said, though, thank you for your kind comments!) In the struggle with my 8th-grade "why doesn't anyone want to sit at my table for lunch?" feelings, however, I forgot to blog about my most important news: I've turned in my resignation. My last day will be August 4.

Everyone there keeps asking where I'm going and my standard answer is "nowhere, fast!" with a big grin on my face; I guess technically this would be considered "pursuing other opportunities" or "exploring my options." These options may involve nothing more than temping or working retail, but I think it's what I need. I can't handle the stress anymore. When getting yelled at by an end user brings me to tears (or as G said, when a 36-yr old thinks she's having a heart attack), it's time -- well past it, probably -- to do something else. And so I will.

Even the crickets are silent.

2006-07-18T13:02:00.000-05:00

Well, my last entry apparently made me sound enough like a clueless fertile to drive everyone running and screaming away from my blog; for better or worse, there's a side of me that is rather naive and innocent: I like Meg Ryan romantic comedies, I want my life to have a fairy tale ending, and I enjoyed (most of) the people on my old fertility-related boards. If it weren't for the fact that I no longer feel like I fit in, I'd probably still be there.

Fact is, I'm not sure where I fit in. I recently saw a quiz* on Catherine's blog that asked "what kind of empath are you?" Several of the questions dealt with how well you felt you fit in with people and with the world as a whole. Perhaps it's just my general melancholy state over the past year that influences my feelings, but I just feel as though I stick out like a sore thumb in so many situations. I don't remember ever feeling this way, even during the awkward middle- and high-school days, because I've always been a person that enjoys making friends. Maybe it's that now, I worry too much about what other people think of me. (Yes, that's what this whole blog entry is about -- I want you to LIKE me, darnit!!)

*For what it's worth, my results on the Empath Quiz are as follows:

You scored as Universal. You are a Universal Empath, you possess all the qualities of the other seven empath groups. You are what is known as an "Implicate" or Imp, a product of evolutionary design and genetic mutation. You are a psychic hybrid. (from "The Book of Storms" by Jad Alexander at MySilentEcho.com)

What Kind of Empath Are You?
created with QuizFarm.com

The genetic mutation thing is really kind of funny. I'm laughing impishly right about now.

Older, wiser... bitter.

2006-07-12T19:43:00.000-05:00

I remember when chart obsession was a fun thing.

It seems a long time ago now, although it was less than two years ago that I was really happy to be trying to have a baby. I obsessed with online buddy groups, checked my symptoms multiple times a day, kept track of my temps and knew what cycle day I was on immediately when I woke up in the morning. I would wait for the interpretation to say "most fertile," would look for signs of triphasic temperatures, would obsess over how many times we'd done the deed before I ovulated.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that the actual act of making a baby is getting old; we (luckily?) didn't go through that many cycles before the miscarriages where sex to make a baby became a "chore" like so many couples I've heard about. Although it really sucked to get pregnant quickly enough to have two miscarriages in six months, I know that in the grand scheme of trying to conceive, I was quite lucky. But really, the rest of it is all so... trying. Excuse the pun.

Of course, now that we're past the surgery I have to wonder if my ability to get pregnant quickly has waned. Granted, there have been things that have gotten in the way (damn job, primarily) making some cycles go by with nary a chance. I was counting the other day and really, we're only on our eighth cycle since the surgery, and out of the previous seven, only four were cycles that we actually tried. It took us four cycles after the first miscarriage to get pregnant again, so I'm really not that far off, considering.

But I hate that the fun of trying to make a baby is gone. Again, not *that* fun; I mean the "OMG do you think we have a chance this month?" and "how long do you think I should wait to test?" Yeah, it may have been slightly clueless but the alternative - flat reality - is not all that appealing, and doesn't lend itself to much in the way of hope. I just want a reason for hope, however fleeting, to return.

I want a do-over.

2006-07-10T23:38:00.000-05:00

The simplest concept: just try again. And yet because I am 36 and have never had a child and wonder every day whether I'll actually ever become a mother, sometimes I think "well, I shouldn't HAVE to try again; I should just get a 'do-over.'

In so many areas of my life, I'd like a 'do-over;' to choose a college program that I would actually put to use, or a first job that I'd actually want to keep. To not make bad decisions or choices I'd live to regret. I watched the movie "13 going on 30" recently and imagined how wonderful it would be to go back, safe with the knowledge of how you'd screwed up the first time, and get the opportunity to make a better choice. To be a better person.

On the subject of kids, though, I'd really like to have a better first chance. A do-over on the waiting, the frustration. Go back and 'do-over' all the fights that made having a child such a big deal in the first place. Find a better way to convince G sooner that he would make a good father, like I think he eventually figured out on his own, after the losses. Start over with the BFP in December 2004 and today be the proud mommy of an almost-one-year old.

I can't have a do-over, I know. I just ache so badly for a child of my own and although some people say that I seem stronger for what we've been through, I know I'm really not. I feel this hurt in my heart nearly every day and it just won't stop.

I wonder if it ever will.

Ignorance lost

2006-07-01T03:38:00.000-05:00

A year ago at this time, I was under the assumption that I had made it past the danger zone. Past the date at which we'd had the first miscarriage, finally past my eight week appointment, close enough to the end of the first trimester that I started to have hope.

I was merely twelve hours away from the truth.

Ignorance is bliss. That's all I can say.

Again?

2006-06-29T19:26:00.000-05:00

Loss has struck, once again.

Please, if you know Jill, go over and give her some support. Even if you don't know her, actually. She's a strong woman to go through what she's been through, but I wish she didn't have to be this strong.